I think having a good look at what romantic or fear based ideas we might entertain about death allows us an opportunity up to take a deeper look at the reality of death. Looking into our own misgivings about death might just open our eyes to the fact that we might not really embrace our own mortality. Perhaps having misgivings about death does not necessarily mean we are totally afraid of death. Maybe we just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that at some point our bodies really will be dead. Our bodies one day will cease to function. We spend an awful lot of time everyday living with our bodies. We have lived through so much with them and through them. Coming to terms with the fact that one day we will have to leave these bodies just might give us misgivings. That might not be such a bad thing. Maybe this tells us that we are not infatuated with death. It might just tell us that we are not really ready to have a good look at our own death. Whatever the reason, having a look at these illogical ideas we have about death might just lend itself to a deeper exploration of our own psyche. This process might lead us to becoming more accepting of ourselves and others who are trying to take ownership of their lives and death.
Even when we think we have become more comfortable with the idea of our own death, we might find that we harbor odd ideas about death. I have come to realize that we often have a specific idea and sometimes interesting ideas about our final wishes. Some of us might think that cremains are light and airy and that somehow cremains can just blow away in the wind. Some people do not want their bodies to go back to the earth and are afraid of nature coming in contact their bodies. Some people really want to make sure that when they die, they are in fact dead. Still others think that maybe embalming might hurt. For me, I do not ever want to be put in a mausoleum because I do not know how I would get out.
I think having a good look at what romantic or fear based ideas we might entertain about death allows us an opportunity up to take a deeper look at the reality of death. Looking into our own misgivings about death might just open our eyes to the fact that we might not really embrace our own mortality. Perhaps having misgivings about death does not necessarily mean we are totally afraid of death. Maybe we just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that at some point our bodies really will be dead. Our bodies one day will cease to function. We spend an awful lot of time everyday living with our bodies. We have lived through so much with them and through them. Coming to terms with the fact that one day we will have to leave these bodies just might give us misgivings. That might not be such a bad thing. Maybe this tells us that we are not infatuated with death. It might just tell us that we are not really ready to have a good look at our own death. Whatever the reason, having a look at these illogical ideas we have about death might just lend itself to a deeper exploration of our own psyche. This process might lead us to becoming more accepting of ourselves and others who are trying to take ownership of their lives and death.
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Today, I look at the state of the death care industry. Today, I look at what the industry permits and what it discourages, and I am saddened by it all. Today, I look at the techniques the industry uses to put families “at ease” or rather off balance so that they do not realize the industry works hard to obfuscate what they do. I hate the use of language the industry uses so that families do not know notice what the industry presents as “proper” and “traditional”. The industry shuffles the body away so that it can prepare the body for cremation or embalming. These processes do not necessarily care for the body of our loved ones. One process destroys the body and the other process poisons the body. In both cases, the byproducts of the process enter back into our ecosystem in unexpected ways – one goes up in smoke into the atmosphere while blood goes down the drain into the sewer system. I imagine if the industry made known what really happens in cremation and embalming, many people would reject them outright.
One must admit that having two options at death cannot meet the needs of our society filled with such a variety of cultural perspectives. What about traditions that also do not fit into the death care industry’s romantic ideas of dealing with a body following death? Either the industry wants us to imagine we are Egyptian kings and queens or we have become ash and spirit. First I object to so many things that the industry does to families. First I object that funeral directors have insinuated themselves as the authority into one of the most tender and difficult times in a family. I object to the language used by the industry that obfuscates the truth. I object to the fact that in ten states, citizens are required to hire them, even if they do not wish to. I object to the fact that people cannot easily get a traditional funeral where no embalming or cremation takes place. I object that if they have to hire a funeral director at the time of death that it costs so much? How can simply cleaning and dressing a body following death be so difficult to obtain? Our ancestors did it all the time. We used to care for our own dead. We used to have community supports for families in grief. Some traditions still easily care for their dead. I know in some spiritual communities, people are beginning to return to care of the dead as a ministry. That is all good. The state of the industry can change only when we change. For so long the death care industry worked in the dark, changing our perceptions ever so slightly until we would not ask if the services of a funeral home no longer serve the community’s interest. Change can only happen when we decide to take a good look at the truth and have the desire to change. We need to get comfortable with the idea of death. I do not mean to glorify death, or think death is cool. No. What I mean is that we need to get our heads around the fact that we die. We die. Those we love die. Those we do not love die. We need to know that things are never the same anyway twice. We might celebrate a particular holiday every year, but every year it looks different because we are all different from the year before. Nothing in our life is static. We are in a constant state of flux, so when I say we must get comfortable with death, I mean we must get comfortable with life. Few of us enjoy the fact that things change all the time. Most of us seek stability in any way we can. Of course we do because living in complete chaos is no fun. We need to form a lens through which we can view the ever changing nature of life, and still feel comfortable enough to move forward through our lives. Accepting the ever changing nature of life can lead us to a deeper understanding. We can then see that every day gives us the opportunities to change because each day we are slightly different people. With each new experience – difficult or delightful - we can then add more depth to our lives and become more and more a treasure for those around us. If nothing is ever the same that means we have endless opportunities of change and beauty. Of course the opposite is quite possible. We can run into more and more unpleasant and difficult experiences in our lives. Perspective makes all the difference in how we view our lives. Let us become more comfortable with our lives. Let us take a step back and begin to understand how life works. We need to get comfortable with the ever changing nature of life so that we can begin to take seriously the fact that we will die. When that day comes we do indeed want things in order for our loved ones. Make and share that plan today.
I’m fascinated with how we humans handle death. From a young age, I have thought that what makes humans human is the fact that we have a wide variety of rituals and practices surrounding death. I used to be surprised that death became my topic, but upon years of reflection, I no longer am. This coming month, I will be focusing my energies to putting my writing together to create my little book on life and death. I hope this will be something that will be cohesive, informative as well as amusing. Thank you for all your support. Let’s see what I come up with.
On perhaps one of the worst days of our lives, my husband and I sat side by side at his father’s funeral listening to the priest give the eulogy. The previous day, my mother-in-law and her sister-in-law had sat together writing the eulogy. Mama had decided that the story of Tata defecting and landing in prison only to defect successfully once released was not to be included. It was somehow disgraceful to mention he was imprisoned for his beliefs. No mention of how a boy too poor to attend school ended up learning five languages. We did not hear that his one dream of having a family living in freedom was realized through amazing feats of self-sacrifice and determination. What we heard was a tribute to my husband, who was horrified. Afterwards, he told me that under no circumstance was there to be a eulogy at his funeral since he already had one. I have no idea what my father-in-law would have wanted to have included in his tribute, but I hope he would have wanted one that highlighted his time on Earth or one that demonstrated how much we loved him and appreciated his hard work and love towards us all. He was a wonderful man and I miss him dearly.
With the advent of social media today, we are inundated all the time with media. Because of this we are more likely than not to have a multimedia tribute included at a wake or funeral. For those of us who were born and had a whole life before social media, so much of our life is left undocumented. For most of us who fall under this heading we don’t mind too much. On the other hand what this means for our family and friends is that when we die, they might be left wondering what to include in our story. When you make your plan for your funeral and burial, include biographical information. It does not have to be every little thing that you have done, but perhaps it could include things that you are most proud of, interesting information about your achievements or ideas you have held dear to your heart. Some people might write out their eulogy, but not everyone feels comfortable with that process. You need only create a document that is easy to read; it does not need to be a narrative in any way. You could also make a data base of old family photographs. Most of us have a hard time saying good things about ourselves, but don’t let that hinder this process. Think rather that you are making a document for the future, a document that might help people frame your life, and a document that might help others remember the fun things of your life. Through this documentation those who love you most will have a starting point to remember you through laughter and love. Remember to save the document in more than one place and in more than one way. Make a hard copy as well as a digital copy. Put it in a place that it will more likely be found. Tell at least two trusted persons where to locate your final wishes. Remember when we plan, we make things easier for those who are left to make the choices for us after we are gone. We cannot control what happens - we can only make it easier for them. This last week, my family said good-bye to a statue of St. Margaret of Scotland which had resided with us for decades. My father saved it from a convent years ago when I was in High School. I cannot recall the convent’s name although it was probably St. Margaret. She was not always in her full glory as the entire pedestal and canopy was over seven feet tall. Only when my parents moved to Illinois years latter was the whole pedestal and canopy assembled and she stood in the family room. We have a family saying that goes something like this, “If it’s worth doing, it’s worth over doing”. I think that describes what it was like living with this statue of St. Margaret. My children have grown up with St. Margaret, and she has become part of our stories. Knowing that this beautiful piece belonged where she would be loved in a living community, my sister, Margaret located a lovely thriving church and school which desired to have her. Last weekend, my sister and her husband brought St. Margaret to that community. To say that it was not a loss would be a lie. I have loved sharing living space with her and she was quite beautiful. In the end, she needed to be loved by more than just us, and now she will be.
Life is a series of letting go. At birth we must let go of living in our mother’s womb to begin our own lives. We must let go at each stage to embrace the other until we let go of this life all together. Letting go is the very mode of living fully. Sometimes letting go is small like when you know you need to pass something on to someone else. Sometimes we have to let go of habits which no longer serve us. Those can be very difficult to let go of. In a sense these little letting goes are like little deaths. We need to go through the process of letting go and then allowing something new to enter our lives. I am at the point in my life where I need to let go of more and more things. I am not the biggest fan of that process, but I know that my life will be fuller once I let go of unnecessary things. Letting go of things and habits allow new things into our lives and connects us even more to those around us. I realize we have entered June only when I feel this great lingering sadness. Dad died nine years ago at the end of June. In June I have to face Father’s Day, his birthday (this year on the same day) and the anniversary of his death. It feels like a rat-tat-tat of grief throughout the month. I have lived through a few of these Junes. I know what to expect now, but that has not always been so. A few years back, I tried to ignore the grief and it only came out in odd ways. My back went out and my sleep was terrible. I tried not looking at the grief, but realized I was just making myself sick with grief. One year my friend suggested I have a memorial for him at church. It helped me a lot to have something to focus on and prepare for. This year, when I began to feel that old familiar feeling, I remembered that and called the church to set up the memorial for Dad. The challenge this year is that we have changed parishes and I needed to know how they did things. I set the date for the memorial. I do not feel so uncomfortable because I have taken action to deal with my grief.
I have a tradition to follow that works for me. For me having this tradition means that I do not have to create my own way. I do not pretend that this works for everybody. I know people who enjoy making their own rituals and practices. If you know that an anniversary is coming up and that you find it uncomfortable, discover a way to make it less uncomfortable. You could visit the grave. Not everyone has a grave and even if there is a grave, you might not live nearby the grave. In this case, choose something else. You could hold a gathering with you family or friends to remember your loved one. I know one family that sets the birthday aside and they gather for a meal to share stories. You could also do something special that reminds you of the person. If they loved nature, be in nature. If they were an urban lover, go to their favourite spots. The thing is to take action on an anniversary. That action can be what you feel will work for you – even if it ends up being a peaceful moment standing in your bedroom. Be creative with your love for the person who has died. When someone dies, we do not stop loving the person, we need to figure a way to live without their physical presence. This can take time to figure out. It took years for me to acknowledge that June caused me difficulty and that ignoring my grief was just not the way to go. Be gentle with yourself. Grief is not fun. Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what works best for us. Figure what works for you and do this as an act of love for your loved one and an act of love for yourself. Your loved one would probably not want you to be in anymore pain than is necessary. Almost twenty years ago, my husband and I embarked on our honeymoon. We drove up through Connecticut through Massachusetts and into Vermont all the while playing ABBA gold on our stereo. We stopped off along the way checking out roadside attractions and such. At one place a book on epitaphs caught my eye -Epitaphs to Remember by Janet Greene and I purchased it. It was a fun book. I have always loved checking out cemeteries and reading the stones. I find it interesting how people leave a final message on their graves. There is a stone in Hamilton, Ontario that gives passers by the advice to follow their dreams. I liked that one and would see it almost every time I would visit my in-laws’ grave. I saw one in a churchyard that read, “Hoping in the Resurrection”. As a Christian, that spoke to me. I’ve walked many a cemetery and I stop to read the stones to see if I can understand who the person from the information on the marker. Some of us choose to be cremated and have our cremains returned to the earth with no marker at all. Some choose a green cemetery that does not allow markers and they become part of the landscape. Those wishing to visit these graves can do so by GPS. Either way, they have chosen to leave behind a silent word. There are those who cannot afford a burial and so cannot afford a marker. I suppose there are many more of us who fall into this category than most of us would care to think about. I do not wish to convey the idea that having a marker is wrong. They give information about who you are and the times in which you lived. Markers are important for those seeking their families’ paths on earth. They can convey ideas you hold dear. Sometimes they are there to make the visitor laugh. Some stones even come with pictures of those who occupy the grave. If you are considering a marker, think about what you would like to leave behind for your family, others who might be passing by or even scholars in the future. Take sometime to consider what you would like to have as a final tangible word.
For Americans this week signifies the beginning of summer. Many of us throw a party, fire up the grill and commence our relaxation. Too few of us gather at cemeteries to remember the fallen soldiers. Memorial Day is about our society remembering those who fought and died so that we can enjoy our freedom of speech, to assemble, to bear arms, and to worship our god as we see fit, or not as the case maybe. We in this country enjoy an amazing freedom. This is the day we should take some time to ponder the fact that so many have died in order that we may live in freedom. This weekend pause enough to reflect on those who gave their lives for the sake of us all.
I enjoy movies and television. I love stories of all kinds. What I do not like is the way much of pop culture treats death. In Star Wars Obi Wan and Yoda become all spirit in death in much the same way Master Oogway does in Kung Fu Panda. I suppose with Master Oogway, a case might be made that it’s a children’s movie and maybe full on death is not what you might want to convey to small children. On the other hand it’s strange that he becomes a puff of smoke and flower blossoms. In the episode of Bones: Lance to the Heart, the cremains of the character Dr. Sweets becomes this lilting small cloud of ash as it dances on the wind. I have issues with some of this scene. Any one who has handled cremains knows that they are heavy. We do not become ash like a tree might in fire. We are heavy. It takes time for our bodies to either decompose of become cremains. We are of consequence. We are of substance. Our death has weight in people’s lives. We do not just blow away in the wind, no matter how much we would like to not look at or deal with the body. When we die a body remains. It is the body we with which have loved, laughed, and cried. It is the same body our loved ones recognize as ours. Our bodies matter.
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Caroline Vuyadinov
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