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Memorial Idea for the Nonspiritual

6/25/2014

I recognize that not everyone has a spiritual or religious structure in his or her life. I understand that some people do not believe in the divine. I grew up with one set of atheist grandparents, while my father was a priest. This gave me a great perspective on life. When these grandparents died it took awhile to have a memorial service for them. For each, poetry played a dominant role in the memorial. Grandpa was a poet and both were lovers of the English language. I think it took time to create these services because not everyone finds rituals easy to create. We are creatures of ritual. Sleep and waking rituals are among the most common. At the time of loss, ritual might help us put into action what we cannot yet put into words, and for this reason, I am providing a simple ritual outline for a memorial. You can make it as complicated or as simple as needed or wanted. You might add a party and either begin or end with the memorial. That is up to you. The ritual is designed to make it easy to have a memorial and give a physical expression of grief.

Candle Story Telling Memorial

When someone we love dies, it leaves a hole in our lives. We remember them in stories, and if they live big enough, those stories go down through the generations. This is a simple ritual. You need only people candles, stories, table and a place for people to gather. You might also need Kleenex. The idea is to have loved ones gather, each can bring his or her own candle, or candle holder. Someone should lead the event.

Suggested Opening Remarks:

I’m glad you all could come today as we remember Joe. We all love him and miss him. Today, we gather to remember our favourite moments, stories or poems. Feel free to step forward or speak from where you stand. After you have spoken, please bring up your light place it on the table and then the next person can speak. No one should feel obligated to speak tonight if he or she does not wish to. (Leader begins the story telling or memory.)

After a long time when no one has spoken, the leader asks if there is anyone else who wishes to speak, if not then the remainder should bring up the lights they have.

Suggested Closing Remarks:

Thank you all for coming. We will all miss Joe, but let us remember the light he gave us when he was alive and let us remember our connection to each other through knowing him. In the coming days, weeks and months, let us remember the light we shared here of what his life meant to us.

Variation:

This could work for a bonfire where people add in their own sticks to the fire while they speak.

One can always add in food and music to the event, as this is also a time where sharing and storytelling takes place and gives people a sense of connection to the person who has died and to those who also loved them. The memorial can either be at the opening of the gathering or the close. You might want to up it in the middle. The point is this is a framework should make creating a memorial easier. Use it anyway that makes sense for you and those you love.

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Your Body Is Not Disgusting

6/18/2014

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I’m not sure how this whole idea began with us humans, but we tend to think our bodies are disgusting, especially after death. Sure decomposition is a dreadful thing, but the fear we have around the body is extensive. I find this fascinating that many of us go to great lengths to distance ourselves from the body at death. In the spirit of full disclosure, I am an Orthodox Christian, so I have a particular perspective on the material world. We believe that our physical nature is part of our spiritual nature. We do not, as a rule, have an innate disgust for the body or even a body in death. When my father-in-law died, my dear friend came to the funeral. I prepared her for the fact that we kiss the body of the person. I in no way wish to put off anyone who has a different perspective of the body. I know there are cultures and religions that have restrictions surrounding the body after death. I firmly believe that we should follow our own convictions. This article is about uncovering myths surrounding the body in death.

A body in death does not spread disease. Most diseases die when we die. For this reason, we are unlikely to contract a contagious disease at the death of a person for which we are caring. We are, in fact, at risk when they are alive. We surely won’t contract a disease they did not have. There will not be an outbreak of cholera from a body that in life did not have this disease. If you think about it, it is logical at death your body dies and with it all the disease you had. In times of great natural disaster, we hear how those affected by it are afraid of the spread of disease because of many unburied bodies. We hear it on the news and whispered at work. The truth is our bodies are not the disease houses we imagine them to be. It is just not so. We may wish to bury those who died out of a sense of culture or religious perspective, but should not be done out of fear of the spread of disease.

Even if we intellectually understand this, the idea that the body after death will not pollute the world does not sit well with us as a culture. Somehow we imagine that our bodies were formed from something else than from this earth. We imagine that we do not belong to this planet and that somehow we are wrong here. We imagine that our natural presence is detrimental to the earth. We are all from earth and to the earth one way, the other or we return. Humans are as much a part of nature as any tree or flower. I have never heard anyone get nervous or upset about deer or bears dying in the woods or that their bodies spread disease. No one really cares too much about their burials or disposition. The only time our society pays any attention to animals’ death is the death of our pets. Some municipalities may have by-laws against burying pets in backyards. I think this is our way of making our pets more and more human. Unless you live below sea level or close to a body of water that floods, there should be no concern to anyone about burying pets in the backyard. This however, is another topic for another day. I always tell people to follow the law. Make sure, you actually see the law and not rely on some third party who may have a conflict of interest in the matter.

We are from the earth and when we die, we need to return our bodies to the earth. In some cultures and religion, cremation is the way this is accomplished. The topic here is not what way is greener, but that the body returns back to the elements. It’s a closed system. The earth itself is a great filter and when a body returns to the earth in ground burial, the elements of the body return to the same system. The process of life and death is really a beautiful thing. We are born from parents, live our lives, touch others along the way, try to do as little harm, and our bodies return again to the same creation from which it came.

Knowing that the body at death is not a storehouse of disease, and the reality of the law are sometime two different things. In the US, only 19 states grant all its citizens the freedom to have a natural body for burial. (Final Rites Joshua Slocum and Lisa Carlson p. 57) For the rest, embalming is rarely required. No one needs to be embalmed, but sometimes the state seems to think you do. I suggest if you want to know what requirements you state has, either contact us or purchase your own individual states rights page at Funeral Consumers Alliance.

Why are we so concerned about the body? I think it stems from the fear of death, and maybe the fear of our own mortality. We can’t imagine our death and some of us might feel a sense that when our life passes away and we die, our life will have meant nothing or have had no real substance. Maybe we think that all is passing away, so why should we even care about the body. Maybe we should bury quickly or cremate so we do not have a body to deal with. Those are choices we all must make for ourselves. Whatever choice you make, know that we are all part of this thing we call the earth. We are joined through it. We are part of this earth and our bodies are part of this earth. We need to stop fearing our bodies and death and get on with living.

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A Family's Right to Choose

6/11/2014

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Nine of the United States (Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Nebraska, Connecticut, Louisiana, New Jersey and New York) requires each citizen to hire a funeral director at the time of death. To the casual observer, this might seem like a good idea. After all they are the professionals.   What people often over look is the culture of the death care industry in this nation and how isolated it functions.   As a culture, we no longer talk about death. We leave it to the last second, if at all, to talk with our family about what we want to have done for our funeral and burial. Some of us think we will never die and those around us will not either. Sometimes we walk around in almost a fog thinking that we will never have to deal with planning a funeral. The truth is most of us will have to plan a funeral of someone we love at some point in our lives. When that happens, and we have not prepared, we are likely to follow what the funeral director or family service counselor at the cemetery suggests and do what is conventional.   This is not necessarily the industry’s fault. They have a client coming in that needs service and quickly and if they do not know what they want, it is easy to follow convention. Before we go further, embalming is not a requirement by law for burial or viewing of the body. These are purely the requirement of the funeral director. The same is true for vaults in cemeteries. Vaults are not required by law for burial, but are requirements of the cemetery.

From my shopping experiences with funeral directors, I noticed that even if a greener funeral is wanted, funeral directors steer the conversation to the conventional, embalming funeral. Open coffins in most funeral homes would not be allowed without embalming. Many reasons are given for this, but the truth is the funeral industry has enshrined embalming as the safe and only funeral option for those who want to follow traditional rites that involve open coffins. Embalming does not make a body safe or sanitized -diseases die with us. Embalming will not preserve a body forever- by law embalming can only be guaranteed for five days. A properly cared for natural body can be refrigerated for as many days as ten and longer and still have an open coffin. Without refrigeration, taking into consideration a variety of ways to keep the body cool, a body can be above ground for about three day. For thousands of years, people have buried and had viewings without embalming. There is no reason why we need to do this invasive and unnecessary procedure to the bodies of our loved ones.

In many states, death doulas assist families with their funeral preparation without embalming. They use tried and true methods of maintaining the body after death. They guide the family through the process assisting the family when needed and providing a smooth and simple way of dealing with the death of a loved one. In states that force their citizenry to hire funeral directors, death doulas either do not exist, or are forced to work in with a funeral director. In the end, either a family does not have access to this service or they have to pay twice for the service because the family will have to pay the funeral director the basic service fee. The basic service fee is a protected fee and unregulated that individual clients have no right to negotiate for a lower price. I have found this fee in Illinois to be as little as 995.00 or as high as 2495.00. That seems steep to me for someone who needs someone to fill out paper or for who wants to have a simple burial with little extras.

In these states, we are forced to hire a private entity and to give money to an industry, which we might not want, or need. It forces those of low income to raise money, to bury their loved ones or go into debt to pay off the end of life bills. One funeral home website states that the reason that funerals cost so much is that they are like weddings. However, if a couple wants to be married and they do not want all the fuss of a big event, they need only take themselves down to the courthouse and get married. They fill out the papers and take the vows with a judge. If we want to care for our own dead, the option of filling out our own forms and caring for our loved ones ourselves is not open to us who live in a state where we must hire a funeral director at the time of death. If we live in one of these nine states, we are forced to pay, and pay dearly for a service we want or need without the benefit of hiring who we want and having a simple funeral. This goes against free market and free enterprise where the laws of competition and demand have no bearing. The industry can set up its own regulations that do not correspond to the law. If the law states that embalming is not required for a funeral and burial, how can someone in that state get a simple funeral if no funeral director will provide that service? We are forced into an industry which does not give us what we want - a simple farewell

The average funeral in the US is 10,000.00 this is before cemetery costs where you need to purchase the right to be buried in a plot, an open and close of a grave and in most cases a vault.   These laws which saddles its citizenry in such a way means they have lost touch with those of meager means in their state. Cook County’s morgue a few years back was backlogged with bodies left unclaimed. I do not wonder why. Our position is a human rights and social justice issue. How can we treat those of lesser means as lesser human because they cannot pay the high price of the death care industry? It’s an issue of common decency. It is in no way just to force a family into a financial crisis or leave their loved ones behind and unclaimed. That just is not right.

I know there are good and decent funeral directors who care for the families and want to provide good service to those in need. I know there are those who work freelance because they want to help families, but do not like the culture of the industry. I know there are people who work in cemeteries who want the family to have what they want for their loved ones at death. In the end, even for those who have a great heart and are working to provide the best service they can, no one should be forced to take their services. I do not wonder why cremation is on the rise. In cremation, the family is offered a wide variety of possibilities that are not costly and give the family flexibility to have memorial and burial services where the industry is kept out almost entirely. We should be able to fill in the proper forms and hire who we want to help our families at the most tender times in our lives, instead of dealing with an industry that may not have our values for a simple funeral and burial at heart.

We allow home births, but we do not allow for home funerals. We have trained midwives and doulas to assist the new mother as she enters into the new life with her child. We also allow women the option to have their babies in a hospital. We need to begin to look at home funerals in this manner. A death in the family is a life changing event where life as we knew it is over, and the new one, one we live without our loved one begin. Families who wish to choose a simple funeral, where people gather to share stories and be together, where death doulas help walk them through the process without the death care industry telling them what they do and do not need, should be able to choose what is best for themselves. We should have the right to choose how we want to gather and celebrate and remember the lives of our loved ones as we see fit. The state should keep their laws off the bodies of our loved one. This is not about clandestine graves or not registering deaths properly. It’s not about breaking the laws or thwarting important documentation laws. It’s about our right to choose. It’s about the rights of families to choose what is best for their family. It’s about being true to traditions and true to your heart. Call your state representative or senator and tell them you do not want this law in your state. Contact us if you need more information on this topic.

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Five Simple Green Burial Hacks

6/4/2014

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Many of us in the Midwest live in areas without access to certified burial grounds, conventional cemeteries that offer a green option, or in states that require the hiring of a funeral director at the point of death. Because of the situation we face, many of us have to make choices that are not perfect choices. Here are five simple hacks to make a funeral and burial greener. At the end of the day, we all can only do our best.

Don’t Be Embalmed   That is easier said than done if you live in Indiana, Illinois, Louisiana, Michigan, Nebraska, New Jersey, or New York. Many funeral homes require embalming for public viewings, or wakes, or any kind of an open coffin. If you live in one of these states there might be a Death Doula close to you that will be able to direct you to a good funeral director. If you do not live near a home funeral guide, I recommend you shop around at local funeral homes. If you live in the Chicagoland area, contact us and we can provide you with contacts.

Some of us come from traditions that necessitate an open coffin for our religious rites. Some of us come from cultural traditions where viewing the body is central to the grieving process. Most funeral homes offer direct burial, but you should not have to settle for direct burial if it goes against your heart.   Any funeral director should be able to offer refrigeration. An open coffin with a natural body will not spread disease, most diseases die with the body. You still need to take proper care of the body after death, but this is not a difficult process. The point is, plan ahead of time. Stand by what you know is right and what you know fits with what you need through the grieving process. Feel free to contact Midwest Green Burial Society if you need any assistance with this.

Invert the Vault. Many of us live in states where there are no certified green burial grounds. You might find yourself wanting a green burial, but have no place to bury in a green site. If you cannot find a cemetery that does not require a vault, or if you are pressed for time and are deep in grief, remember to ask that the vault be inverted. The coffin or shroud will be in contact with the earth, and might be the most natural way you can bury your loved ones. Many cemeteries will comply if you tell them that your loved one will not be embalmed and you want to make greener choices.

Low Impact Coffin or Shroud. Shrouds least impact the environment at the time of burial. You may need a board for extra support to help lower the body, but it is by far the simplest way to be buried. There are a few on-line to choose from, but remember you can make a shroud from a qulit or blanket. MGBS has a resource page with some low impact coffins and shrouds. While we love the wicker and wool coffins, we look to the amount of jet fuel to takes to get here from Europe, and we feel strongly about shopping locally.

On-line Memorial. Remember not everyone can come to a memorial event or they live far away, making travel difficult, costly and use too much fossil fuel. Create an online page for people to express their grief, and a way to share favourite stories. We live far away from each other physically, but we can come together online to be a support to each other.

Use Locally Source Flowers. Instead of using florists, who often use environmentally unfriendly practices get your flowers locally, even a home garden. For an even greener choice, contact your local conservation district office and ask which indigenous flowers or decorative branches you could use. In the winter, evergreens would be a beautiful choice. For a memory gift, consider making seed packets using seeds from Seed Savers Exchange or other local seed saving groups.   We use Seed Savers Exchange seeds for our seed pack/business card. Use of these kinds of seeds promotes biodiversity.

Remember, whatever choices we made in the past were made because we thought we were being responsible. I suggest we do not beat ourselves up about the past and start today educating ourselves so that we can make better choices in the future.

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Memorial Idea for the Nonspiritual

Your Body Is Not Disgusting

A Family's Right to Choose

Five Simple Green Burial Hacks

Caroline Vuyadinov

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