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A $700 Ride

7/26/2017

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Recently I heard a new story from a friend of mine.  Her mother had died in Indiana and her body cremated. The family wanted to have a memorial at a place of their own choosing, which is completely within their rights.  The funeral home told them that in order for them to have the memorial other than the funeral home, the family would have to pay $700 for the funeral home to transport the urn to the other locale. What kind of vehicle were they hoping to use to take an urn down the street?  I do not know, but it would have to some special kind of vehicle to charge such and an exorbitant amount to take a small cargo such a short distance.  Maybe the interior was covered in diamonds, I do not know.
The hubris of this action astounds me.  This funeral director banked on the fact that their clients did not know funeral laws.  That said, the state of Indiana has some odd laws.  Indiana law requires the funeral home to take possession of the cremains and the whereabouts of them must be recorded.  Cremains are considered final disposition, and a person with legal control can take custody of the cremains, even in Indiana. Indiana may require recording of the placement of the cremains, people still have urns on their mantles or in their gardens. The state might have tricky laws, but the family still has rights. The FCC Funeral Rules still clearly states that we as consumers do not have to pay for any goods and services we do not wish to pay for (except the Basic Fee).   Transporting an urn for $700 is something a family can refuse. The family can transport an urn themselves to the place they have decided to have the memorial. This family and many others did not want know their rights and did not want to pay the funeral home the money to drive down the street, so the memorial took place at the funeral home. 
Things like this happen – not every time a family sits down with an industry professional- but it happens nonetheless.  I find this blatant disregard for human dignity and obvious greed driven behavior at the expense of a family in grief revolting. Many out there do not know where to turn for help when they do not feel comfortable with what an industry professional tells them.  To be perfectly honest, how can a person in a state of grief be required to sort through this?  This is not the way an industry that deals with a vulnerable population should act ever.  The industry should expect to have the government looking over their shoulders making sure they adhere to the law and not lining their pockets with easy money.
What can we do? Continue to act as a light for those around you.  People tell me stories because they know I will tell them the truth. They tell me stories because they know I will listen to them.  Be open to talking about death to your friends and family.  This might be the singular most important act any of us can do to help others. Death is still a taboo topic.  Know your rights by doing your research. If you find yourself at a meeting with an industry professional, and what they tell you does not add up, contact the Funeral Consumers Alliance. Their phone number is 800-865-8300.  When I need to know a fine point of law, I always contact them.  They are always open to help people and have done so for years.  The industry does not like them, and that means the Funeral Consumers Alliance knows what they are doing.  Do not feel shy about contacting them if you do not know the answer.  This is what they do, and they do it well.

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Our Weird Ideas

7/19/2017

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Even when we think we have become more comfortable with the idea of our own death, we might find that we harbor odd ideas about death.  I have come to realize that we often have a specific idea and sometimes interesting ideas about our final wishes. Some of us might think that cremains are light and airy and that somehow cremains can just blow away in the wind. Some people do not want their bodies to go back to the earth and are afraid of nature coming in contact their bodies. Some people really want to make sure that when they die, they are in fact dead.  Still others think that maybe embalming might hurt.  For me, I do not ever want to be put in a mausoleum because I do not know how I would get out. 
I think having a good look at what romantic or fear based ideas we might entertain about death allows us an opportunity up to take a deeper look at the reality of death.  Looking into our own misgivings about death might just open our eyes to the fact that we might not really embrace our own mortality.  Perhaps having misgivings about death does not necessarily mean we are totally afraid of death.  Maybe we just have a hard time coming to terms with the fact that at some point our bodies really will be dead.  Our bodies one day will cease to function. We spend an awful lot of time everyday living with our bodies.  We have lived through so much with them and through them.  Coming to terms with the fact that one day we will have to leave these bodies just might give us misgivings.  That might not be such a bad thing.  Maybe this tells us that we are not infatuated with death. It might just tell us that we are not really ready to have a good look at our own death.  Whatever the reason, having a look at these illogical ideas we have about death might just lend itself to a deeper exploration of our own psyche.  This process might lead us to becoming more accepting of ourselves and others who are trying to take ownership of their lives and death.

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The State of the Death Care Industry

7/12/2017

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​Today, I look at the state of the death care industry.  Today, I look at what the industry permits and what it discourages, and I am saddened by it all. Today, I look at the techniques the industry uses to put families “at ease” or rather off balance so that they do not realize the industry works hard to obfuscate what they do.  I hate the use of language the industry uses so that families do not know notice what the industry presents as “proper” and “traditional”.  The industry shuffles the body away so that it can prepare the body for cremation or embalming.  These processes do not necessarily care for the body of our loved ones. One process destroys the body and the other process poisons the body. In both cases, the byproducts of the process enter back into our ecosystem in unexpected ways – one goes up in smoke into the atmosphere while blood goes down the drain into the sewer system.   I imagine if the industry made known what really happens in cremation and embalming, many people would reject them outright.
One must admit that having two options at death cannot meet the needs of our society filled with such a variety of cultural perspectives. What about traditions that also do not fit into the death care industry’s romantic ideas of dealing with a body following death?  Either the industry wants us to imagine we are Egyptian kings and queens or we have become ash and spirit.  
First I object to so many things that the industry does to families. First I object that funeral directors have insinuated themselves as the authority into one of the most tender and difficult times in a family.  I object to the language used by the industry that obfuscates the truth.  I object to the fact that in ten states, citizens are required to hire them, even if they do not wish to.  I object to the fact that people cannot easily get a traditional funeral where no embalming or cremation takes place. I object that if they have to hire a funeral director at the time of death that it costs so much? How can simply cleaning and dressing a body following death be so difficult to obtain?  Our ancestors did it all the time.  We used to care for our own dead.  We used to have community supports for families in grief. Some traditions still easily care for their dead.  I know in some spiritual communities, people are beginning to return to care of the dead as a ministry.  That is all good.   The state of the industry can change only when we change.  For so long the death care industry worked in the dark, changing our perceptions ever so slightly until we would not ask if the services of a funeral home no longer serve the community’s interest. Change can only happen when we decide to take a good look at the truth and have the desire to change.  

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Getting Comfortable with Death

7/5/2017

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​We need to get comfortable with the idea of death.  I do not mean to glorify death, or think death is cool.  No.  What I mean is that we need to get our heads around the fact that we die.  We die.  Those we love die. Those we do not love die. We need to know that things are never the same anyway twice.  We might celebrate a particular holiday every year, but every year it looks different because we are all different from the year before.  Nothing in our life is static. We are in a constant state of flux, so when I say we must get comfortable with death, I mean we must get comfortable with life.  Few of us enjoy the fact that things change all the time.  Most of us seek stability in any way we can.  Of course we do because living in complete chaos is no fun.  We need to form a lens through which we can view the ever changing nature of life, and still feel comfortable enough to move forward through our lives.  Accepting the ever changing nature of life can lead us to a deeper understanding.  We can then see that every day gives us the opportunities to change because each day we are slightly different people.  With each new experience – difficult or delightful - we can then add more depth to our lives and become more and more a treasure for those around us.  If nothing is ever the same that means we have endless opportunities of change and beauty.  Of course the opposite is quite possible.  We can run into more and more unpleasant and difficult experiences in our lives.  Perspective makes all the difference in how we view our lives.  Let us become more comfortable with our lives.  Let us take a step back and begin to understand how life works.  We need to get comfortable with the ever changing nature of life so that we can begin to take seriously the fact that we will die. When that day comes we do indeed want things in order for our loved ones.  Make and share that plan today. 
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    Caroline Vuyadinov


    I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity.  I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people. 

    When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level.  I became the program manager and  loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community.  I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

    Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak  to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences.  I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial. 

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