I remember early on in our relationship my husband telling me that he did not want to be embalmed.   I had never heard of a person not wanting either cremation or embalming.  As you can see, I am an American.  The industry has so convinced us that their funeral plans are the best and that they know what is traditionally American.  Mortuary students learn about the “memory picture”.  Embalmers are taught that families need a beautiful “memory picture” to help ease the grieving process.  I shudder to think what we humans have been doing for thousands of years without commercial embalming.  I can’t imagine that we were all running around stuck in complicated grief all because we did not have a “memory picture” of our loved ones embalmed after death.  Grieving and memorialization takes place our societies, culture and religious or spiritual communities.  How we are taught to view death shapes how we grieve. The memory picture of our loved one embalmed is the lynchpin to our grieving process.  If you are one of the growing numbers of people who do not wish to be embalmed or cremated, there are options you can use to achieve a simple funeral and burial.  The law does not require embalming unless you die from some very rare disease. 
 
Washing and Essential Oils
 
While it is true that our bodies are not disgusting, we all do need a bath from time to time.  This is true when we die.  The body needs to be cleaned and patted dry.  When we die our body starts to break down and skin is not as elastic.  We need to be gentle with the body when we prepare a body in death. The body should also be anointed with essential oils. This not only has a pleasing scent, but helps remove the bacteria from the body.  For fuller details check out the Midwest Green Burial Society’s Home Funeral and Simple Burial Information Sheet.  Our grandparents and great-grandparents knew how to care for the dead.  We have lost so much common wisdom in this area.
 
Keep the Body Cool

Keeping the body cool slows the natural process of the body breaking down after death.  If you are having a home funeral, you can use dry ice and make sure the room is cool.  If you are using a funeral director, he or she can use refrigeration to achieve the same goal.  One funeral director told me that you can keep a body refrigerated for ten days or more with out problems.  Sometimes our families live far away and we might need to delay the funeral for that purpose. 
 
 
Direct Burial
 
Direct Burial is usually done quickly with a small service at the grave.  Usually the body is washed and prepared, but not embalmed. Some people might wish to have the burial over and done with and then a small memorial later.  This works for some families.  Some funeral homes like to use direct burial as their green burial option.  While it is green and does suit some people, it is not the only option for people seeking an environmentally friendly or simple burial. 

Not many of us grow up talking about death practices at the dinner table. My husband and I did not begin taking about our funerals until his father’s funeral. Maybe we took it for granted that as Orthodox Christians so much is already planned for us, but his father’s death opened our eyes.  I remember my husband and I whispering to each other what we did and did not want for our funeral.  Sometimes it takes a shared funeral experience to begin the conversation with those who will have custody of our bodies in death.  Throughout the years my husband and I have had a running conversation.  Occasionally he wants to know where my plan is kept or some detail he wants for his funeral underlined.  My husband was the first person I knew who did not want to be embalmed or cremated.  These little bits and pieces of the plan are so important to discuss.

At some point your children need to be included in your talks about death.   If you can do this organically that is the best. In our home growing up, death was a frequent topic.  Our children have long been acquainted with death practices.   My oldest was four and a half and my youngest was eighteen months when they went to my father’s funeral.  My oldest now has opinions on what makes a good wake.  I recognize that not everyone has had a chance to attend a funeral at an early age or have a mother who blogs about death.  I understand that death is a tough topic for adults let alone children.  At some point along the way, your children need to begin to hear some of your understanding about death and what kinds of things you would like at your funeral.  As you and your children grow older, you may begin to realize that they might have to take charge of your funeral one day and they need to have a conversation with you about the things you have in mind or things that have been already planned on.  I think I was sixteen when my mother told me her funeral plans were in her sock draw if I ever needed to know where to find it.  At forty-seven, I know a great deal more about her plans.  My sister and I will have to take charge at her death, so it is fitting that we know more about her plans and wishes.

These talks are a conversation.  There is give and take on both sides.  While we might have things we desperately want at our funeral, we might have to make peace with the fact that our family might not be able to hire that jazz quartet to play When the Saints Go Marching In.  I would so like that at my funeral, but I know in my heart it is not likely to happen.  That would be a large expense and maybe too much work for those I love to find such a jazz quartet.  What I really want is for people to gather, talk, tell stories and laugh if they can.  I suggest these plans be as simple as needed.  My plan offers a variety of choices for my family because I do not wish to burden them with too much running around.  I mostly want them gathered together to love each other.  While telling those you love what kind of funeral you would like is important, you must also realize that they are the ones who will likely be doing so much of the work, and grief saps so much of a person’s energy.  Keep things simple and doable.  Keep things simple and make a plan with the help of those who will have to do the work at the time of your death.  That way they know what you want and are able to tell you what kinds of things might not work for them to do, like the jazz quartet. 

If you read this blog, you might be one of us who are able to speak freely about death.  You might have begun to write your funeral plans or you are just beginning, but most likely, you are fairly at ease with the topic of death.  I enjoy speaking and of course writing about all the different aspects of death and what people can do to make the process easier.  You might think that everybody in my family is as open and willing to talk about death.  You would be wrong.  I have members of my family who are not at all willing to talk about death. So what can we do to make sure that we have done what we need to do about our funeral or death plans when our family members and spouses might not be as interested in planning as we are?

In the first place, be kind and understand where this resistance comes from.  Death is just not a popular topic.  When we start talking about our own death, it might spark anxiety in our loved ones.  They are not interested in seeing us dead.  Who can blame them?  I do not like losing people in death either.  Funerals remind me that I have lost that physical connection I have always had with those I love.  It is the same for those we might need to talk to about our final plans.  Talking about death also reminds them that they are mortal as well. Talking about death is a radical thing to do, so be gentle with those you love. 

Making a will is a good place to start when making final plans.  Some things need a discussion.  If you are married and have children, you need to make plans on who will have custody of children if you should both die.  You need to discuss how your estate will be handled and all those things a lawyer needs to deal with in making a will.  I highly recommend everyone make a will.   If you do not make a will, the government gets to decide things for you.  The government might not think the way you do and might not see things as you would.  Take the time and get it done.

When making your funeral plans married people might have a spouse who does not want to engage in an open and frank conversation with us about funeral and burial plans.  What can you do then?  If you are willing and able, you can start doing the research on your own and start the process of planning.  When you have come to a place where you need to talk about ideas, I suggest you find a close friend or other member of the family with whom you can talk.  Write your plan down and keep it somewhere safe.  Make sure you have told your friend or family member where the plan can be found.  Tell your spouse that you have a plan, where it is and who will be able to help him or her in the event of your death.  Remember making a plan is an act of love for your family, and they will be happy that you have given them direction when the time comes.

What if you are not married?  Who do you talk with about your final plans?  If you have a sibling, or a close relative who will likely be in charge of your body at the time of death, start a conversation with them.  If you are part of a spiritual community, have a conversation with the person who will direct your memorial or funeral.  You have to find a trusted person who will be able to assist you in your plans. Always write your plans down on paper.  Tell them that you have made a plan, what it entails and where to find this plan. 

Just because we are open about talking about death and making our funeral plans, not everybody is.  Just because those close to us are unwilling to talk, does not mean that we can’t find someone to meet this need. Always act out of kindness and love.  Death is a tough subject and potentially touches on some deep pain, sorrow or fear.  It would do us no good to approach the topic from a point of conflict.  Perhaps seeing you process the topic and move forward might inspire those who are reluctant to move closer to being open about death. 

I remember well that bright and sunny Tuesday that changed everything – September 11, 2001.  I am sure most of us can remember with great clarity the events of that day.  That’s how it can go with trauma.  On Friday we will remember this day - the day brought us both great acts of tragedy and great acts of kindness, courage and love.  I remain haunted by the violence and the loss of lives of men, women, and children who died that day.  I remain deeply moved by the great acts that were done by many in the name of kindness.  Today, let us not forget to act towards healing our nation.  I have notices in the last thirteen years we as a nation have become so divided that we no longer allow another point of view in our discussions.  We have become quick to label the other side of an argument when we used to defend the other’s right to speak.   I hope we forward in peace and grace. Let us begin to listen to one another again and let us heal.  Let us remember the best of us this September 11.

Preneed sales fuel the cemetery industry.  One might wonder why the industry pushes preneed sales.  Everyone dies, so it’s likely that they have a large customer base from which to draw. The product is the same if you buy a vault at the time of need or if you buy it ten years before.  Why would that matter to the industry when people buy?  Surely the price is less when bought in a preneed sale, so why has the industry set it up to run on preneed sales?  One would think the since the price goes up as it does every year like clockwork in the industry, that they would want you to purchase the item at a higher price, making them a larger profit.  That is not the case.

Very few of us these days live near where we were born.  We grow up and start our life’s adventure and more likely than not we will live many places before our death. Some people who feel they are settled today or who want to make sure they have taken care of everything for their family, might purchase burial rights in a cemetery and begin to purchase all things needed in a modern conventional burial.  The problem is that we do not stay in one place any longer.  Maybe we will have to go and live with other family members in our old age, leaving a perfectly paid for burial ground.  Family might have changed their ideas about final disposition. Some might want to opt for cremation or donate their bodies.  While the cemetery might refund unused items, the rights of burial are probably not one of them. The rights of burial can remain in the family as an inheritance.  The fact remains that once a plot is purchased for the most part, it stays purchased. You can resell your burial rights or pass them down through the family, but that is all you can get out of the sale if things change.  I have heard of families opting for cremation when a person has prepaid for a conventional burial because the cost of the funeral was too much. As the cemetery accommodates the family for the change of plans and produces a refund of sorts for items not used, the cemetery still cannot refund everything.

The most common way a cemetery makes money is through what is known as constructive delivery. A preneed contract is supposed to protect the purchaser from rising prices.  It guarantees that the items purchased will be honored at the time of need, and certain parts of the contract go into a trust to insure this.  If you have purchased from a cemetery, you might have noticed that there are two columns of numbers; one goes to the cemetery right away.  Those are usually the price of the plot and services that the cemetery guarantees to provide.  The other column is the money that goes into trust for items such as marker or vaults. These things, however, can be delivered before the time of need, and then the money for the item can be taken out of trust because it has already been delivered and used. Vaults and markers are installed and ready for use. This is called constructive delivery. Little profit can be made with a burial plan with goods waiting for the time of need.  The profit is to be made today, not twenty years down the road. 

The desire for constructive delivery is so high in the industry that the family service counselor, or sales person cannot live on selling to families at need.  A family service counselor will not get any commission on most items sold in an at need situation.  The corporation wants the sales force out there selling fear and guilt to get folks to make a contract for their preneed burial plan. Once a contract is made and paid, items that can be delivered are usually delivered. The trick is to know what you want and how to get it.  Set your own money aside and start making your own plan.  I always suggest doing some shopping around to see what prices are like where you live.   Take a walk in local cemeteries.  I have found that municipal cemeteries where I live offer much better pricing for burials than any other cemeteries around.  Make the best choice for you and your family.  If you know right now you are not going to go live somewhere else, preneed sales can offer discounts.  The problem arises - few of us know where we will be when our death occurs.  We must plan for our death, but we might not want to prepay for it.