If you read this blog, you might be one of us who are able to speak freely about death.  You might have begun to write your funeral plans or you are just beginning, but most likely, you are fairly at ease with the topic of death.  I enjoy speaking and of course writing about all the different aspects of death and what people can do to make the process easier.  You might think that everybody in my family is as open and willing to talk about death.  You would be wrong.  I have members of my family who are not at all willing to talk about death. So what can we do to make sure that we have done what we need to do about our funeral or death plans when our family members and spouses might not be as interested in planning as we are?

In the first place, be kind and understand where this resistance comes from.  Death is just not a popular topic.  When we start talking about our own death, it might spark anxiety in our loved ones.  They are not interested in seeing us dead.  Who can blame them?  I do not like losing people in death either.  Funerals remind me that I have lost that physical connection I have always had with those I love.  It is the same for those we might need to talk to about our final plans.  Talking about death also reminds them that they are mortal as well. Talking about death is a radical thing to do, so be gentle with those you love. 

Making a will is a good place to start when making final plans.  Some things need a discussion.  If you are married and have children, you need to make plans on who will have custody of children if you should both die.  You need to discuss how your estate will be handled and all those things a lawyer needs to deal with in making a will.  I highly recommend everyone make a will.   If you do not make a will, the government gets to decide things for you.  The government might not think the way you do and might not see things as you would.  Take the time and get it done.

When making your funeral plans married people might have a spouse who does not want to engage in an open and frank conversation with us about funeral and burial plans.  What can you do then?  If you are willing and able, you can start doing the research on your own and start the process of planning.  When you have come to a place where you need to talk about ideas, I suggest you find a close friend or other member of the family with whom you can talk.  Write your plan down and keep it somewhere safe.  Make sure you have told your friend or family member where the plan can be found.  Tell your spouse that you have a plan, where it is and who will be able to help him or her in the event of your death.  Remember making a plan is an act of love for your family, and they will be happy that you have given them direction when the time comes.

What if you are not married?  Who do you talk with about your final plans?  If you have a sibling, or a close relative who will likely be in charge of your body at the time of death, start a conversation with them.  If you are part of a spiritual community, have a conversation with the person who will direct your memorial or funeral.  You have to find a trusted person who will be able to assist you in your plans. Always write your plans down on paper.  Tell them that you have made a plan, what it entails and where to find this plan. 

Just because we are open about talking about death and making our funeral plans, not everybody is.  Just because those close to us are unwilling to talk, does not mean that we can’t find someone to meet this need. Always act out of kindness and love.  Death is a tough subject and potentially touches on some deep pain, sorrow or fear.  It would do us no good to approach the topic from a point of conflict.  Perhaps seeing you process the topic and move forward might inspire those who are reluctant to move closer to being open about death. 

 Last week, a friend of mine had a disagreement with a cemetery regarding a grave marker.  I began thinking about grave markers and the power cemetery owners/corporations have over our choices in marking the graves of those we love.  Memorialization and grave marking are two related, but different things.  As I have stated many times, how and where we remember those we love does not belong to the cemetery, but to our hearts and minds.   Grave marking differs from memorialization in that markers indicate the earthly remains of those we love. For many, the grave is sacred because it holds the remains of the loved one. The marker becomes the lasting word as the physical proclamation of the person’s life and a focal point of the grave.

When dealing with a cemetery for your grave marker or gravestone, you must remember that they are like a Home Owners Association.  They set the rules by which you must abide and they can change them at will.  Unlike a Home Owners Association, you will not have a voice in the rules or in any change.  The cemetery wishes to maintain a certain look.  For a time you might be allowed to keep things on a grave and then the cemetery might be sold to a different owner or corporation and rules change. The cemetery also just might want to change their look, and then the rules change. You need to make sure you know what the rules of the cemetery are before you purchase the right for burial.  Some cemeteries require flush stones or markers and will not allow upright stones.  Some cemeteries require bronze on the marker, others will not.  Some might specify what kind of stone you must have for the marker.  Different sections of a cemetery might have different rules about what kind of marker is allowed.  Again, you must check before you buy. 

You do not have to purchase a marker through the cemetery.  The cemetery might tack on fees if you do not, but you have a right to purchase elsewhere.  They might insist that you pay for a survey of the site or for installation the stone.  If you purchase a marker somewhere other than your cemetery, you most likely will have to send in a sketch or specs on the marker you wish to use.  They will have the final say as to what kind of marker is placed in their cemetery.  Do not purchase the marker without the go ahead from the cemetery. You have the right of burial, but they can tell you how a grave will look.

Sometimes cemeteries get mixed up in family conflicts regarding grave markers.  If you want to place a stone on a grave, make sure you have the right to do so.  At the time of death, sometimes old family wounds that have never healed properly, get reopened.  Sometimes these conflicts are fought out over the grave marker.  Try to make peace in the family before it gets to the point of a war over a gravestone.  Remember, the stone on a grave marks the final resting place of our loved ones remains, and should not become a battleground.  Family service counselors do not know the family histories and might not realize a conflict is brewing.  Let them know that there might be a conflict.  By doing so, the cemetery will know that a potential problem exists and might be able to assist in a resolution before a problem takes root. 

Grave markers tell a story.  People take a great deal of time with wording and design of the marker for the person they love.  I love to walk in old cemeteries and read the engraved stones.  I feel connected to the person and sometimes what I read on their markers stays with me.  Grave markers communicate who the person was.  They are important for families looking for family history.  While the cemetery does not hold the monopoly on memory, the fact that they create the rules about markers means they hold quite a bit of power as to how the marker will look.  Take the time to research the cemeteries you like in your area and figure out which ones fit your vision on marking your grave. 

When I trained at the cemetery to be a family service counselor, we were taught a variety of sales technique.  One of them was how to sell niches for cremation.  We were instructed to emphasize that having a place such as a niche was a better place to hold a memory than the mantle or scattering to the wind. Cremation is the final disposition of a body and you need not by law bury the cremains. Cremation affords a family a many different ways to create a place of memory. You can scatter on your own land, be placed in bullets, pressed into a favourite record album or made into a jewel, just to name a few.  Cremation attracts people who do not want a lot of falderal in their funeral planning. The industry, knowing this, would like very much to be part of your decision-making and sell you a niche or a place in the lawn for burial.

I treasure the time I spend visiting graves.  When I was in High School, I went to Chaucer’s grave in Westminster Abby.  I remember standing there filled with awe and admiration.  I carry that memory always.  Standing by a grave is a powerful feeling at times be it your grandparents or a great poet.  Far be it from me to tell folks not to have a place in a cemetery or burial ground for those they love.  The place of memory is not my issue.  I take issue with making people think that a place of memory belongs to the corporate death care industry.

We have options for making a place of memory.  Cremains can always be scattered or buried on your own property rural or otherwise without having to make a notation on the deed. You can dedicate a place on your own property for full body burial through following your state’s laws. Full body burial might be easier in a rural setting, but it can be done. Always make sure you know and follow the laws in your state.  In ancient times, Christian communities formed around burial societies.  Old churches still have burial ground attached for members of the church.  I do not see why we cannot have more church run cemeteries or cemeteries associated with other groups.  Why don’t environmental groups set aside places for their members who wish to have a green burial?  Why don’t urban groups create burial coops?  I know cemeteries are tough to run, but we have options if we only look. We have options if only we take to time to create them for those around us.  We never have options if we take the industry representatives at their word.  We need to know our rights.  Modest burial grounds need not be moneymakers.  The municipal cemetery down the street from where I live sells plots for $250 – a far cry from the $18000+ in corporate run cemeteries.   

Many of us do not want to end up in a corporate run cemetery.  We need to face the fact that none of us have yet gotten out of this life alive, and research and plan our own deaths.  The time to make decisions is not at the time of someone’s death where grief can make the process more difficult, but when we calmly and logically look at what we and our family wants for a funeral and burial plan.  If we want to have the kind of funeral and burial we want, we need to start now looking at local resources. We might have to create the place of memory for our body at the end of our time on earth.  I do not recommend ever purchasing a plot for burial long before the time that it will be needed.  Once you purchase a right of burial, the cemetery will not likely return your purchase once the time for cooling off has past.  I do recommend setting money aside for the purpose of your final acts and let your money work for you, and not the cemetery’s corporation. 

The true place of memory will always reside in our hearts.  How we live our lives matters the most and remains with those who love and know us. Sometimes if we are lucky, our lives will be remembered from generation to generation. Having a place to visit at a graveside is useful for many.  Any place that reminds us of someone who has died becomes a place of memory. We need not pay a corporation for a place of memory.

We face choices everyday of our lives.  Some choices appear to be small, while others we make form the rest of our lives.  I grew up in a family that spoke freely about death and choices we make at the time of death.  It was generally agreed upon that cremation was the most earth friendly method.  We all wanted to go back to the earth as easily as possible. Having said this, I have not always made the most earth friendly choice for those I loved at the time of their death, mostly because I did not know my rights and the impacts my choices would make on the earth.  I did not always educate my clients at the cemetery about the most ecological manner of burial, but it was through working in the conventional death care industry that lead me to the work I do now. I have and insider understanding of the industry as well as having been I been a client. Today, I advocate for people’s rights and wishes at the time of death and hope that people choose more earth friendly choices. I believe that everyone should have his or her last wishes met if possible, providing it is according to the law. I wish to educate, not make people feel uncomfortable about their choices.

The ideal and greenest of the green burials scenario would be a conservation burial adjacent to conservation land.  In this scenario, the person would be buried in a shroud, preferably a shroud made of a recycled natural material like an old quilt.  The body would be lowered in the grave by ropes or with a shroud board made of local wood, perhaps that even repurposed.  The grave would be dug and filled in by hand.  There would not be a marker, but GPS coordinates that would allow loved ones to find and visit the grave.

Ideals can be hard to reach.  Sometimes we must do what we can and aim in the general direction of our ideals.  We must never feel guilty because we could not accomplish the ideal.  In fact, some of us do not want the greenest of green burials.  Some of us want a marker of some kind. Several certified green cemeteries allow for stone markers, others do not. If you can get local stone, not import it from India or China, you are going down a better road.  Educate yourself and make wise choices.  If you need a few other hints, check out my Five Simple Green Burial Hacks.

Our choices make us who we are.  If we choose to go green, we need to look at our lives and make changes in that direction.  Not many of us are able to go off the grid and live on a homestead raising our own food and generating our own energy.  I, for one, would love to have solar panels on my house, but I cannot do that today.  When we make arrangements or prepare our own plans for burial, we have to take into consideration what we can realistically do.  If we do not have a certified green burial cemetery near by, we make do with what we have.  Like the rest of life, making burial choices is a balancing act.  It might not be possible for us to achieve the ideal state where we do not negatively impact the earth, so make choices with which you can live. Do not be angry with yourself for your past choices; move forward in the knowledge you have gained.  Know that not one of us is perfect.  We are trying to do the best we can.