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Funerals as Live Streaming Events

3/25/2015

Father Thomas Hopko on the occasion of our wedding. He wore white also for weddings.

Live streaming funerals were once only a suggestion I gave to people who could not travel far distances to be at a funeral. I had no real experience with live streaming of funerals until this week when I was only able to attend a funeral through live feed. Last week someone dear to me, as he was to so man people, died. He guided me in seminary and we had had a few very life changing conversations. He was also the priest who blessed our marriage. He was loved by hundreds and thousands because of his preaching and good words. He was a master storyteller and as his podcast title stated, he spoke the truth in love. He will be much missed and greatly loved for a very long time. His name is Father Thomas Hopko.

The night before the funeral, I watched the Panikhida, a service of prayers. I heard the message from Mother Christophora which as poignant and moving. The next day, I told my children that I had reserved the computer for Fr. Tom’s funeral, so they could watch with me or not. They both came in and out of the office that morning watching and asking questions. The service was beautiful and lengthy. I was booted off the feeds a few times, but when thousands of people want to attend a funeral, then you might expect to get booted off the server once or twice. My favourite address was given by his son. I will carry that with me a long time. I loved the hymns and prayers and was grateful that I could attend, even if only from my humble office in Crystal Lake, IL.

I’ll end with one of my favourite stories as told by Fr. Tom. He went to Armenia one Bright Week, the week following Pascha, because one of his friends was being made a bishop or archbishop. (I wish I could remember this detail.) The Pope and Mother Theresa was there for the occasion so I know it was a big deal. In Bright Week, everything is white, so Fr. Tom was wearing his white cassock as he walked to the church. He made a wrong turn and the crowd who was waiting for the Pope roared and applauded. He just waved and walked on.

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So, How Much is That Funeral?

3/18/2015

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I remember when my father died. He had a plan and spoke to a fellow priest and me about his plan the January before his death. When he told me, I remember thinking that I did not need this information for twenty years and forgot much about what he said when the time came. Several other things went wrong in the end that made it impossible for us to exactly follow his plan. In the first place, he did not write the plan down. He had a plan, but not any of it was concrete. We were caught flatfooted and had very little idea of what to do. We did what most people do; we followed advice from loved ones and those in the industry to help us through the process. We did not shop around, and even if we did, I know we did not know our rights. I know we were not in a frame of mind to decide from among a variety of vendors. I think our story is rather typical of most people. We were caught in grief, and did what seemed the easiest thing to do. The situation we found ourselves in was the reason the Funeral Rule was passed in the first place. The Funeral Rule was created to protect consumers from making emotional decisions or decisions without having all the facts in planning a funeral. It does not, however, cover cemeteries.

Since working in and leaving the industry, I have done my fair share of funeral shopping. I must say that I enjoy it. I love finding out who gives good service and who is lacking. According to the Funeral Rule, consumers are supposed to be given prices over the phone. One time, while looking around for funeral information, I made an email inquiry of a funeral home that was recommended by a national funeral group. They would not respond by email and wanted me to either call or come in and have a chat. I found that off-putting. I was looking for information for personal and professional use, and that just made me not want to work with them. Back in 1984 when the Funeral Rule was passed, most people either went to the place of business or called the business to ask about the services they provided. We did not have the Internet. The Internet has so changed the way we live our lives. I know it’s wishful thinking, but I think the Funeral Rule should be updated to reflect the way business is done in the first part of the Twenty-First Century and require funeral directors to answer inquiries by email. Some funeral homes do and some do not. Baring a change to the Funeral Rule, I am hoping that the market place will put pressure in funeral providers to change the way they do business. Maybe then, more the industry will move toward a more modern approach to business, and offer full disclosure through electronic means. In the meantime, they are not required to give information through email or provide a full GPL (general price list) on their webpages.

As with many things, change in the death care industry will happen when people face the unpleasant nature of death. We need to start acting like everyone does die, then maybe the industry can change and there will be more openness about price and services. Everywhere, people are afraid to talk about death. It’s still the number one killer of conversations I know of. Still, I write on. As stated above, Cemeteries are not under the Funeral Rule. They do not need to give you a pricelist when you walk in. They do not need to show you all the options and do not need to disclose the cheaper options they might offer. We have a long way to go when it comes to consumer’s rights when making final plans. The only idea I can offer when dealing with the cemetery is to be direct with the family service counselor about what you want and about price point. If you do not feel comfortable with any service provider, leave the office. You should not work with people you do not feel comfortable with. Only you know what is right for you and your family.

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Buyer Beware: Cemetery Shopping

3/11/2015

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I worked as a Family Service Counselor at a cemetery. When I got the job, I thought I was going to be helping families and individuals plan their burial. What I found out was that I was hired for a sales position. I remember vividly the day I was referred to as a sales person at the cemetery by my boss; I realized then that my job was not to get the families what they wanted, but to make a good sale. I had been trained that my goal was to serve the families, but was reprimanded when I sold a family what they wanted, a modest place to bury their loved one. From what I know and have experienced about the death care industry is that while there are very good people working in the industry, sales drive much of the industry. Presales end up as the moneymaker for them. The sales crew will not likely get a high commission on an at need situation, as higher commissions go to the preneed sales. My experience was that we were not trained in law and family rights, but on how to make the sale and “serve the family”, which I think was to get families to buy something they had not thought of as necessary. Since federal law does not regulate cemeteries, you must know what rights you have, and rely on your gut instincts when looking for products and services. Cemeteries are more “buyer beware” than funeral homes.

My fellow sales people were not trained in law and family rights in regards to burial, sometimes they would tell families things that were not correct. I do not believe that those who I worked with knowingly told outright lies, but do think that they were often times just as clueless to the law as their clients. Because they were the authority, their words held more weight. Because of the pressure to sell, some family service counselors would try to make their clients feel nervous that if they did not prepay they would lose money and would make their children pay more than they needed to when they died. For example, “Buy now before the rates go up.” Every year the prices would go up 4-5%. If a family service counselor tells you that you cannot dig a grave because of law that probably is not true. I agree that paying over $1000 or more to dig a hole and fill it back is a bit too much. The problem with families digging graves might be the grounds crew has a certain skill in locating graves and digging a tight grave close to another one. What you need to do when you hear something that does not sound right is to ask to see the law in writing. That usually ends all discussion.

Ask to see a price list in a cemetery. This might be a tricky thing, but think about what it would be like going to the grocery store and having to ask to buy an orange and the sales crew would present you with the orange they thought would be perfect for you. It just might be the most expensive orange in the store. You might not be allowed to see the GPL (general price list.). We were trained to not let consumers see our pricelist. In Illinois, consumers have the right to a price list, which is odd because I worked in Illinois after the consumer’s rights were written. Ask to see it anyway. Ask to see a variety of products at different price points. Make sure that you know what kinds of markers are acceptable in their “memorial park” or cemetery. Ask about vaults. More importantly, ask about their minimum requirement for a vault. They might call it a grave box, named so to discourage people from buying it. Wouldn’t you rather place your treasure box (casket) in a vault and not a grave box? If you are doing cremation, ask about their policy on cremation vaults. Ask about the open and close price.

Cemeteries do not have federal regulation like funeral homes do, but make the effort. Feel free to shop around and leave any establishment, cemetery or funeral home that you do not want to work with. You know it when something does not feel right. Trust yourself to know what it is that you want. You should only pay for what you want. Be aware of package plans that might give more than you want. If you prepay for products, there is no guarantee that what you have picked out will be available in twenty years when you go to use it. I had clients who were sure they knew which casket they would get because they had picked it out thirty years ago. Turns out, they do not stock navy blue caskets anymore. Prepay sales make the industry lots of money. On the surface, it looks like you have put away money in trust to be used in the time of need. What often happens in cemeteries is that they deliver the product, install the vault or grave marker, thus freeing the money and pocketing the profit. It’s your show, and you should run it the way you see fit.

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Bring Your Own Coffin

3/3/2015

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Photo by permission of Nature's Casket. www.naturescasket.com

A few years back, I went on a shopping trip to see what it was like to shop for a funeral in my local area. I went out knowing the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule to guide me on my way. The Federal Trade Commission declares that funeral homes must meet certain criteria to protect consumers from up-selling or guilt selling. One of the most important rules funeral directors must follow is handing out a price list at the beginning of the interview with clients. I have yet to meet with one who did not first present me with a price list before engaging in an interview of my wants. He or she must also present a price list for the merchandise the funeral home sells. This gets a bit tricky. On my visits to funeral homes, general price lists have always included a range of prices for coffins, and urns (rarely shrouds). The range can look something like this: Caskets $650- 27,550. To me, that is quite a range and not helpful in the least. I found it impossible to guess what I might expect to see in their coffin room. When I got there I did not see any solid gold coffins in the rooms, which made me wonder which coffin cost so much.

Many funeral homes I researched offered a discount on the coffins if you bought one through them. Let’s look at this. The funeral homes set their own prices. No one from the outside sets their price. Sure, they use the wholesale price as a guide to help set their retail price, but no one makes them set the price. If they set their prices and stock their coffin showrooms, why are they offering a discount for purchasing through them in the first place? Well, some funeral homes were charging a delivery cost to clients that purchased a coffin from an outside vendor, which goes directly against the Federal Trade Commission Funeral Rule. By giving a discount, you might think you are getting a better deal on your merchandise and the funeral home hopes you purchase through them so they can keep the profit from the sale. In the end, you have every right to purchase your own coffin, urn or shroud. You need not purchase through any funeral home you have hired.

There is no disgrace in purchasing an inexpensive container for burial. It does not mean you love the person less if you choose one from a lower end of the price scale. Purchase what you can afford, and do not worry about it. In fact, a shroud can be an old quilt or blanket. Nothing you purchase for a funeral or burial can ever fully express your love and devotion to the person who has died. Do not even think about that when you purchase a coffin, shroud or urn. Their memory lives on in stories that are shared by family and friends. An expensive coffin, or urn does not help you remember them more, nor will it make a difference in to how much you love them.

Having said all this, there are some really interesting green coffins, shrouds and urns out there. Here are a few.

Photo by permission of Nature's Casket. This coffin can be stored flat and assembled when needed.

Photo by permission KINKARACO ® www.kinkaraco.com

Photo by permission of Nature's Casket

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Funerals as Live Streaming Events

So, How Much is That Funeral?

Buyer Beware: Cemetery Shopping

Bring Your Own Coffin

Caroline Vuyadinov

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