Category: Non Religious

Helping Face Death

6/3/2015

Death can happen anytime and sometimes without warning. Naturally, when someone close to us suffers grief, we want to help them in anyway we can. Some of us would love to help plan a memorial event. The fact of the matter is that we cannot help unless asked. I have attended funerals of someone I know, and see that the family has picked out a metal or an obviously expensive coffin. I am saddened by it, and I will never say a word to them about it. Our job as close family members or friends is to support those who have lost someone, not tell them they have done something wrong.

There are those who I believe are obligated to help families plan funerals and burials. I believe that members of the clergy must play a central role in assisting members of their congregation prepare for death and all the rituals that follow. Clergy are often one of the first ones called in a death and should have a basic understanding of the death care industry and how it works. I know one clergy member who attends every meeting at the funeral home with his people. Some members of the industry do not like clergy attending. Some clergy do not feel that it is their place to be with the family as they make choices about a funeral. I am of the opinion, that having an objective person benefits families not only with the religious aspect of the funeral, but to help his or her people who are often overwhelmed in the face of planning the funeral.

So, what of those who do not belong to a spiritual community? Are they at the mercy of the industry? I hope not. I hope that those who read this blog and books of similar topics will be ready when and if someone asks for your advice. When someone close to you dies, offer your time and let the family know you will do what they need for you to do. If you are open about death, those around you will know that you are someone they can approach. It’s a great gift to them that someone they know will not flinch when death is the topic. Don’t be fooled. I have brought down more parties and gotten more odd looks in restaurants while talking about death than I care to count. I will go right on speaking. I might not give all the details, but I will continue to speak and I encourage you to as well. Our free words about such a taboo subject help bring death out of the closet one conversation at a time. In doing this, we help those around us.

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Get On The Bus

11/5/2014

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I promised Ms Diane, our school bus driver, that I would mention her in my blog. I hope everyone who rents a school bus would get as wonderful a driver as she is.

I would like to direct you to the button on the side of the page. Midwest Green Burial has launched Project OCEAN. If you have enjoyed reading this blog and have found it helpful, please consider donating today so that we can continue to build out work.

I am not a fan of the long line of cars in procession to the cemetery. I personally do not like the mad dash to the car after the funeral and the getting in line to what might be a long trip to the cemetery. It seems to me that many drivers these days don’t know what is expected of them when faced with a funeral procession. Some cars cut in the middle of the procession while others allow the procession to move through. The last time I was in a funeral procession we drove for forty-five minutes at varying speeds. I felt at times I needed to speed to keep up and other times we crawled along at a snail’s pace. I drove alone, which usually I don’t mind, but I did feel cut off since it was such a long drive. Would I do it again? Yes, I would because I loved this person, but maybe there is another way? How about renting a school bus for the day?

I confess, this is not my own idea, but I love it. No need for long funeral processions with everyone on the bus. People could share a beverage and perhaps a bit of something to eat on the way. Make a playlist of favourite songs of the person. This relaxing atmosphere makes for easier story telling with no worries about getting lost or driving in an emotional state. Funeral buses make driving safer, more enjoyable and create a cozy atmosphere. With a bus, you would have one mode of transportation, instead of many cars on the road. They are not terribly expensive considering the funeral price lists I have on hand. In my area, you could rent a school bus for the day for $250. Funeral limousines in my area range between $260-$515, and sometimes these have mileage limitations. You must always check beforehand. If you wanted to, you could rent a fancier coach or party bus, which would have more amenities such as screens on which you could show a slide presentation, washrooms, etc. That is totally up to you, but I think a funeral bus makes a whole lot of sense.

This song kept going through my head as I wrote this post, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Memorial Idea for the Nonspiritual

6/25/2014

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I recognize that not everyone has a spiritual or religious structure in his or her life. I understand that some people do not believe in the divine. I grew up with one set of atheist grandparents, while my father was a priest. This gave me a great perspective on life. When these grandparents died it took awhile to have a memorial service for them. For each, poetry played a dominant role in the memorial. Grandpa was a poet and both were lovers of the English language. I think it took time to create these services because not everyone finds rituals easy to create. We are creatures of ritual. Sleep and waking rituals are among the most common. At the time of loss, ritual might help us put into action what we cannot yet put into words, and for this reason, I am providing a simple ritual outline for a memorial. You can make it as complicated or as simple as needed or wanted. You might add a party and either begin or end with the memorial. That is up to you. The ritual is designed to make it easy to have a memorial and give a physical expression of grief.

Candle Story Telling Memorial

When someone we love dies, it leaves a hole in our lives. We remember them in stories, and if they live big enough, those stories go down through the generations. This is a simple ritual. You need only people candles, stories, table and a place for people to gather. You might also need Kleenex. The idea is to have loved ones gather, each can bring his or her own candle, or candle holder. Someone should lead the event.

Suggested Opening Remarks:

I’m glad you all could come today as we remember Joe. We all love him and miss him. Today, we gather to remember our favourite moments, stories or poems. Feel free to step forward or speak from where you stand. After you have spoken, please bring up your light place it on the table and then the next person can speak. No one should feel obligated to speak tonight if he or she does not wish to. (Leader begins the story telling or memory.)

After a long time when no one has spoken, the leader asks if there is anyone else who wishes to speak, if not then the remainder should bring up the lights they have.

Suggested Closing Remarks:

Thank you all for coming. We will all miss Joe, but let us remember the light he gave us when he was alive and let us remember our connection to each other through knowing him. In the coming days, weeks and months, let us remember the light we shared here of what his life meant to us.

Variation:

This could work for a bonfire where people add in their own sticks to the fire while they speak.

One can always add in food and music to the event, as this is also a time where sharing and storytelling takes place and gives people a sense of connection to the person who has died and to those who also loved them. The memorial can either be at the opening of the gathering or the close. You might want to up it in the middle. The point is this is a framework should make creating a memorial easier. Use it anyway that makes sense for you and those you love.

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Helping Face Death

Get On The Bus

Memorial Idea for the Nonspiritual

Caroline Vuyadinov

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