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Public Grief: Hamilton Mourns Cpl. Nathan Cirillo

10/29/2014

Hamilton known for having over a hundred waterfalls, lit the Albion Falls in honor of Cpl. Nathan Cirillo and WO. Patrice Vincent. Photograph courtesy of Kelly Anne P.

My husband and I were having a day out last Wednesday when he turned to me and said that the Leafs and Senators’ game was cancelled because something happened in Ottawa. We both started surfing madly through our phones for information. Some of you may not know this, but I lived in Canada for thirteen years and called Hamilton, Ontario my home. When I read that a gunman killed Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, one of the Hamilton Argyll and Sutherland Highlanders of Canada, my heart broke. How often I would see young men dressed in fatigues walking with their comrades up and down James Street. I am not a lover of war, but I am deeply moved by those who feel it is their job to protect the rest of us while we sleep snuggly in our beds. This young man was one of them. He died in service to his country and his people.

Today, I would like to remember Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, honouring his memory and the loving acts performed by Hamiltonians in their grief.

Special thanks for this post goes to Mr. Zayne Waymen, a dear friend, who lives in Hamilton, for taking these wonderful pictures of the memorial for Cpl. Nathan Cirillo at the Armory. Thank you.

Earlier last week in Canada, W.O. Patrice Vincent lost his life in another act of violence. While this post is about Cpl. Nathan Cirillo, I ask that we not forget W.O. Patrice Vincent and his service to Canada.

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Buying a Burial Plot is Like Making a Hotel Reservation

10/22/2014

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When my dad died he wanted to have a wooden cross lead the procession out of the church and have it placed on his grave until a stone could be placed. He saw this done at my father-in-law’s funeral and he had to have it. My husband and I drove all the way from Canada with the cross strapped to the roof of the car because my husband promised my dad he would bring the cross when the time came. Even though the cemetery was a flush stone cemetery, they allowed us to place the cross in the wooded area behind dad’s grave. After some time the cemetery made a call and we came to pick it up. Mom placed it in the woods on her property where you can see it if you stand doing the dishes at the sink. The cemetery where I worked had a section out back behind the offices where items that had been placed on graves that did not adhere to the parks rules were put. People were allowed to pick up items there. When the season changed, all the seasonal items were removed from the graves and thrown away. Sometimes the cemetery will make allowances for people and sometimes they will not. You might wonder why cemeteries have so much to say about what can go on a grave. Well, that has everything to do with what it is you purchase when you purchase a space at a cemetery.

When you purchase a space in a cemetery, you have not purchased the land, you have purchased is the right to be buried in a particular place in the cemetery. If you think of the cemetery like a hotel, you might have a better understanding of what you are buying. When you purchase the plot, it’s like reserving the room in a hotel. The hotel decides what kind of rooms it wants to sell and what image it wants to portray. The hotel can offer high-end suits, simple single rooms you can drive up to or a breathtaking log cabin with that back to nature feel. Cemeteries work in a similar way. When you purchase the plot you purchase the right to be buried there and you buy into the image of that particular cemetery. Cemeteries define their image by having requirements such as: vaults, type of monuments, what may or may not be placed on the grave, green space, indigenous flora, local stone and sometimes even a set-cleaning schedule. Be aware of the cemetery’s requirements prior to your purchase. They may offer choices: in-ground full body burial, cremation niche, inurnment, entombment (mausoleum), scattered cremains, or green burial, but they get to define these services, products they sell, and what products are acceptable in the cemetery. You choose what it is that you want and if cemetery’s offerings fit, you buy.

As with funeral homes, I suggest you shop around. If done before a need arises, it can be loads of fun and you can learn so much about cemeteries and the industry in general. Here are a few things to keep in mind before you undertake this little excursion: 1) Know what it is that you want. You might be interested in a few different options, so write them down. 2) Ask to see the price list. This might be more difficult than you might think. In my cemetery, we were trained to never show clients the GPL (general price list.) The GPL may be huge, but in there are a variety of prices, services and products you might not get to see, unless you ask. My tip to those who are interested in a full burial at a conventional cemetery is to ask the price for a grave box. It fits the minimum vault requirement at conventional cemeteries and is also most likely the least expensive vault on the list. 3) Ask for a priced out plan with everything you might need in black and white. 4) Keep these in a separate folder so that you can reference them when you are finished shopping. 5) Keep notes about each cemetery, so you can remember which plan went with which cemetery. 6) Do not feel the pressure to pre-pay. Personally, the only reason I would pre-pay is if I was declared terminal. That way I would have an idea where I might be when I died. Today, we are a very transient culture. Where we are born might not be where we die. I always suggest that one makes a separate account or trust fund to save for that day when the family needs to make the final decisions. Keep your money, and make it work for you. In the end, only you know what is right for you and your family.

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Fall Back: An Autumn Conversation

10/15/2014

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Today I thought we could do with a lighthearted post. Please welcome our guest writer, Juliann Salinas. Juliann is a Co-founder of the Midwest Green Burial Society and a social justice advocate. She holds a BA in Political Science from the University of Colorado at Boulder and an MBA from Ashford University with a specialization in Environmental Management. She is also a Returned Peace Corps Volunteer (Paraguay 1994-1996)

Fall Back: An Autumn Conversation

“Here’s to your season!” she said, holding up her seasonal, local artisan beer with its toothed pumpkin label.

“My season?” I asked, confused. “Why, because I look good in gold and brown, I’m a ‘fall?’”

“You don’t look good in brown or gold. You love black and it fits since it’s the death season – your season.”

“Really? My season? “

“Fine, it’s the death season.”

“Death has a season?”

“Of course death has a season. Everything has a season. Turn, turn, turn and all that.”

“So why is it my death season?”

“Because it’s the death season and well, you know, you’re so into death and all.”

“I’m not ‘in to’ death. I’m in to green burials. It’s not the same thing.”

“It is to most people. Anyway, aren’t you excited?”

“About…?”

“Death season! Halloween, Dia de los Muertos, Fright Fest, Casket Races, Frozen Dead Guy Days…”

“Actually, Frozen Dead Guy Days are in March.”

“See? That’s how you know you’re into death. Right there.”

“What? Why? Because I know when Frozen Dead Guys Days are? Anyone who spent time in Boulder could tell you that. It’s kind of a big deal. Like Alfred Packer Day used to be.”

“Alfred Packer Day?”

“Yeah, at CU we used to celebrate Alfred Packer Day in honor of the Packer party who got lost in the mountains and ran short of food. Packer was tried and convicted of murder and cannibalism in the late 1800s.”

“He ate his companions? Ew.”

“So goes the story. The real ‘ew’ part of Alfred Packer Day, in my opinion, was the Rocky Mountain Oyster eating contest.”

“Double ew. I take it back. You’re not just in to death. You’re in to death and dismemberment.”

“Castration doesn’t kill bulls, and I don’t think it counts as dismemberment.”

“I think the bulls would disagree.”

“We digress. To answer your original question, yes. I do love this season. I love real apple cider from trees that have a worm or two, but no pesticides. I love pumpkin pie made from squash I grew in my garden. I love the way the leaves turn gold and stand out against cold, deep blue skies. I love wearing fleece vests without the need for down-filled overcoats. I love watching the kids get excited about trick-or-treating and showing off their costumes. And yes, I love that it’s the one time of year I seem to be able to talk about green burials and coffins and death in something resembling everyday conversation, with context. There are myriad cultures and religious traditions that consider fall a time for reflection and remembrance for those who have transitioned from this earthly plane, and yeah…that’s an opening for me. The spiral of life and death is on stunning, humbling display in the fall and it’s an easy segue to a conversation about how one’s own death could help benefit, instead of harm, the environment.”

“See?” She said smugly, finishing her beer, “It’s your season.”

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Family Lead Funerals - Not Clandestine Graves

10/8/2014

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Sitting quietly, I waited for my first meeting with a state senator. I was so excited to present a piece of legislation to that restored the funeral rights of Illinoisan families. The senator and I spoke for a long time. She asked good questions and when I left she promised to bring this piece of legislation written by Joshua Slocum of the Funeral Consumer’s Alliance to the floor of the senate. What I did not know was the following day the funeral directors had their breakfast meeting in Springfield with senators. Needless to say those who need to keep a steady stream of customers coming to their doors won that day, and the legislation did not move forward. The senator and I have spoken since then, and she did promise to meet with me, but when I called back my calls went unanswered. I have spoken with other state senators since, and always the same silent response. All we are asking for is to have our rights to be restored - that is all and nothing more.

One of the claims put forward by the conventional industry is that returning our rights and giving us choices would open the floodgates to clandestine graves. This is one of the most ridiculous claims I have ever heard. People who want to care for their dead in their own homes come to this decision from a place of love and respect. I dare say, this is how most of us come to the care of our loved ones at the time of their death, even those who desire to work with the conventional industry. For the people who want to care for their loved ones at home, want to prepare the body, and have a simple process without the pomp and interference from an industry. They want to control the rituals, if any, and care for the loved one the way they see fit. That all sounds very American to me. What I note in all that I have read, researched and experienced about home funerals is that people wish very much to follow the law, but they also want to keep their process simple. People want very much to fill out the forms needed: a death certificate, a permit to transport a body, and a permit for burial. I have found no one who wishes to break these laws to bury their loved ones. In fact, I think everyone agrees that we need to document the person’s death, and keep their body safe following their death. We all want documentation of the person’s death, as we need one of his or her birth. A person’s life is well worth noting.

When I worked in the cemetery, I noted how sweet and intimate a burial was when the person was cremated. Once cremated, the family has so much more freedom to express the life and death of the person they love. They did not need a funeral director for the burial. They could meet when the family wants as long as the cemetery agrees. How simple it could be for families who wish to care for the body of the person who has died in the family home, washed and dressed by people who loved and knew them. In some other cases, a family might request a home funeral guide who knows the process on a professional level. Once the funeral is in the care of the family, and not in the hands of an industry, the funeral and burial takes on a more intimate and personal nature. Why can’t we allow this? Why can’t faith communities have people who know how to fill out these forms? Why can’t people in hospice have this knowledge? Why can’t we hire whom we want to fill out these forms? Do we all really need to have an education in embalming and development of a business to fill out these forms? As long as the law is followed, the death duly documented, what is the problem? There is no room for clandestine graves, if we have the document trail and the grave in question is registered with the state. Home funerals will not open the floodgates to clandestine graves. They haven’t for centuries. We are not out to illegally bury our loved ones. We are simply out to love them one last time in the way we choose. We have laws to cover any illegal burial; we need not fear the average family. I am still unsure of the resistance from the conventional industry. I do not see throngs of people wanting to have home funerals. Most people are squeamish about handling the dead. We just want the choice to decide for ourselves what is best for our families, not stop other people from building a business. If we are not offered a choice there is no real freedom. One wonders when did the state become so interested in a private business that the state goes to such lengths to make it mandatory that every citizen purchase services from that private entity. One does wonder.

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What is a Decent Burial?

10/1/2014

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Sitting in the back of a limousine on the way to the cemetery, seven and a half months pregnant with our first child and first grandbaby on both sides of the family, stricken with the grief of the loss of my beloved father-in-law, I mused on what aspects of the funeral were absolutely necessary. His death was the first death my husband and I had to deal with in helping to make final arrangements. We would grab snippets of time during the visitation, giving each other notes on what we did and did not want for our funeral. Today I wonder, what constitutes a decent burial?

A decent burial must respect the person who has died. It must reflect his or her beliefs about life and death. We have all heard about Joan Rivers’ funeral with all the fanfare of a Hollywood event. For her, that was a perfect and decent burial. Through my work in the cemetery and meeting people through our events with the Midwest Green Burial Society, I know that each one of us has a specific idea about our final wishes. Some of them are very interesting. Some people really do not want their bodies to go back to the earth and are afraid of the elements reaching their bodies. For me, I do not ever want to be put in a mausoleum because I don’t know how I would get out. I realize that just does not make much sense, but there you have it.

Maybe the question is: What is a bad burial? Maybe a bad burial is one that takes place without much forethought. Maybe it is one where afterwards the family realizes they have spent too much money on what they did not want to or need to have for a beautiful and meaningful event. Maybe a bad burial is one that does not reflect the person’s ideals or way of life. Maybe a bad burial is one where families fight over little things because they do not realize how their grief has affected them.

Perhaps the question should be: What is a shameful burial? Are they burials that take place because the family does not have the money to bury? I don’t think so. I think a shameful burial is one where the system fails, when laws do not allow families to fill out forms for burial because they do not have an education to embalm, or when there are not affordable options open to them. The shame is on our society, not the families. How can we allow our fellow citizens the difficult task to bury their loved ones by crowd sourcing the bill? How did we get to a place where an average funeral is $10,000.00 before cemetery costs? I think this has everything to do with our fear of death and our fear of talking about death. Since death is such a difficult topic for so many of us, we are willing to stand by while the price of a conventional burial rises so far out of reach. It seems too ridiculous to me that the average cost is so high, and I wonder who can really afford to die these days, and why are there not more accessible means available for us?

When I think of the many funerals and burials I have been to, I know that they have all received decent burials surrounded by those who loved them. We all gathered, prayed with those who pray, listened to poetry with those who did not. In the end, we all told stories, wept and remembered the person who had died. To me, a decent burial is one where people gather and love each other in their grief. What is it that they want when they want a decent burial? Ultimately, I think this can only be answered on a personal level. The trouble comes in when our ideas clash with the conventional death care industry and our pocketbooks. I would like to see more variety for families making plans so that they do not have to go into debt simply because someone they love has died. I would like to see more support within faith communities, and social communities to help support their members in grief. It might be asking too much for a revolution in the hearts of our society to turn and face the fact of death and help those around us to make simple and decent choices. I hope not. I hope we can mature enough to break free from our fear and love those in need. In the end, a decent burial is what you decide to think of as a decent burial; it does not have to be what convention dictates to us.

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Public Grief: Hamilton Mourns Cpl. Nathan Cirillo

Buying a Burial Plot is Like Making a Hotel Reservation

Fall Back: An Autumn Conversation

Family Lead Funerals - Not Clandestine Graves

What is a Decent Burial?

Caroline Vuyadinov

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