If you read this blog, you might be one of us who are able to speak freely about death.  You might have begun to write your funeral plans or you are just beginning, but most likely, you are fairly at ease with the topic of death.  I enjoy speaking and of course writing about all the different aspects of death and what people can do to make the process easier.  You might think that everybody in my family is as open and willing to talk about death.  You would be wrong.  I have members of my family who are not at all willing to talk about death. So what can we do to make sure that we have done what we need to do about our funeral or death plans when our family members and spouses might not be as interested in planning as we are?

In the first place, be kind and understand where this resistance comes from.  Death is just not a popular topic.  When we start talking about our own death, it might spark anxiety in our loved ones.  They are not interested in seeing us dead.  Who can blame them?  I do not like losing people in death either.  Funerals remind me that I have lost that physical connection I have always had with those I love.  It is the same for those we might need to talk to about our final plans.  Talking about death also reminds them that they are mortal as well. Talking about death is a radical thing to do, so be gentle with those you love. 

Making a will is a good place to start when making final plans.  Some things need a discussion.  If you are married and have children, you need to make plans on who will have custody of children if you should both die.  You need to discuss how your estate will be handled and all those things a lawyer needs to deal with in making a will.  I highly recommend everyone make a will.   If you do not make a will, the government gets to decide things for you.  The government might not think the way you do and might not see things as you would.  Take the time and get it done.

When making your funeral plans married people might have a spouse who does not want to engage in an open and frank conversation with us about funeral and burial plans.  What can you do then?  If you are willing and able, you can start doing the research on your own and start the process of planning.  When you have come to a place where you need to talk about ideas, I suggest you find a close friend or other member of the family with whom you can talk.  Write your plan down and keep it somewhere safe.  Make sure you have told your friend or family member where the plan can be found.  Tell your spouse that you have a plan, where it is and who will be able to help him or her in the event of your death.  Remember making a plan is an act of love for your family, and they will be happy that you have given them direction when the time comes.

What if you are not married?  Who do you talk with about your final plans?  If you have a sibling, or a close relative who will likely be in charge of your body at the time of death, start a conversation with them.  If you are part of a spiritual community, have a conversation with the person who will direct your memorial or funeral.  You have to find a trusted person who will be able to assist you in your plans. Always write your plans down on paper.  Tell them that you have made a plan, what it entails and where to find this plan. 

Just because we are open about talking about death and making our funeral plans, not everybody is.  Just because those close to us are unwilling to talk, does not mean that we can’t find someone to meet this need. Always act out of kindness and love.  Death is a tough subject and potentially touches on some deep pain, sorrow or fear.  It would do us no good to approach the topic from a point of conflict.  Perhaps seeing you process the topic and move forward might inspire those who are reluctant to move closer to being open about death. 

When I trained at the cemetery to be a family service counselor, we were taught a variety of sales technique.  One of them was how to sell niches for cremation.  We were instructed to emphasize that having a place such as a niche was a better place to hold a memory than the mantle or scattering to the wind. Cremation is the final disposition of a body and you need not by law bury the cremains. Cremation affords a family a many different ways to create a place of memory. You can scatter on your own land, be placed in bullets, pressed into a favourite record album or made into a jewel, just to name a few.  Cremation attracts people who do not want a lot of falderal in their funeral planning. The industry, knowing this, would like very much to be part of your decision-making and sell you a niche or a place in the lawn for burial.

I treasure the time I spend visiting graves.  When I was in High School, I went to Chaucer’s grave in Westminster Abby.  I remember standing there filled with awe and admiration.  I carry that memory always.  Standing by a grave is a powerful feeling at times be it your grandparents or a great poet.  Far be it from me to tell folks not to have a place in a cemetery or burial ground for those they love.  The place of memory is not my issue.  I take issue with making people think that a place of memory belongs to the corporate death care industry.

We have options for making a place of memory.  Cremains can always be scattered or buried on your own property rural or otherwise without having to make a notation on the deed. You can dedicate a place on your own property for full body burial through following your state’s laws. Full body burial might be easier in a rural setting, but it can be done. Always make sure you know and follow the laws in your state.  In ancient times, Christian communities formed around burial societies.  Old churches still have burial ground attached for members of the church.  I do not see why we cannot have more church run cemeteries or cemeteries associated with other groups.  Why don’t environmental groups set aside places for their members who wish to have a green burial?  Why don’t urban groups create burial coops?  I know cemeteries are tough to run, but we have options if we only look. We have options if only we take to time to create them for those around us.  We never have options if we take the industry representatives at their word.  We need to know our rights.  Modest burial grounds need not be moneymakers.  The municipal cemetery down the street from where I live sells plots for $250 – a far cry from the $18000+ in corporate run cemeteries.   

Many of us do not want to end up in a corporate run cemetery.  We need to face the fact that none of us have yet gotten out of this life alive, and research and plan our own deaths.  The time to make decisions is not at the time of someone’s death where grief can make the process more difficult, but when we calmly and logically look at what we and our family wants for a funeral and burial plan.  If we want to have the kind of funeral and burial we want, we need to start now looking at local resources. We might have to create the place of memory for our body at the end of our time on earth.  I do not recommend ever purchasing a plot for burial long before the time that it will be needed.  Once you purchase a right of burial, the cemetery will not likely return your purchase once the time for cooling off has past.  I do recommend setting money aside for the purpose of your final acts and let your money work for you, and not the cemetery’s corporation. 

The true place of memory will always reside in our hearts.  How we live our lives matters the most and remains with those who love and know us. Sometimes if we are lucky, our lives will be remembered from generation to generation. Having a place to visit at a graveside is useful for many.  Any place that reminds us of someone who has died becomes a place of memory. We need not pay a corporation for a place of memory.