Last year I invited my readers to let go of the fear of death in the New Year by making plans for their bodies after death. How many of us have done just that?  How many of us have taken a look at death? Death is a hard topic for many of us to deal with.  We might think we have done everything, only to find out we have missed a particular aspect of a solid plan.  Do we have a will?  Have we decided who will make healthcare decisions for us when we no longer can?  Have we thought about our end of life care?  These are crucial in making end of life plans.  We often like to pretend that we are strong and can take on anything, but the truth is we are fragile creatures and death can call on us when we least expect. 
 
Let us take an even deeper look into what it means to make a plan for our death by first deeding what role we want the medical world to take towards the end of our life. Do we want to take have experimental medical procedures to prolong our lives or do we want to die at home or hospice?  Do we want a DNR? What do our closest relatives think about the medical world? Are they willing to enter into a discussion about health care’s role in death? We must know who can handle the tough questions and we must talk with them candidly about our wants and needs regarding medical intervention at the end of life.  We must choose the person who will make the decision for us as we would hope someone will when we no longer able.
 
We must look at our spiritual or deep seeded beliefs on what constitutes life if we are to understand what death means to us. Spirituality can mean many things to many people. For those who follow a set religion, there may be certain needs we want done for us at the end of life.  Do we have a priest, pastor or spiritual guide?  We need to let our family know who to contact near the time of our death.  Spirituality can mean those things, which elevate our lives and bring us joy.  What kind of things do we want to surround ourselves with at the end of life? In his last years, my grandfather, who was an atheist, kept the King James Bible, The Complete Works of Shakespeare and Norton Anthology of Poems next to him.  For him the beauty of words brought him so much joy.  What bring us joy? Think on those things.  Think about them and start talking about them with those we love. Knowing what kind of death we want will make for a more comprehensive death care plan than just what to do with our bodies after death.  Death is the end of our corporeal life on earth.  We should take the time to think about what that means for us and what kind of death we might want to have.

Throughout the month of December many of us gather together as family and friends to celebrate a wide variety of feasts and festivals.  We gather together ponder light in this dark month.  We gather to remind us of the loving bond we have with each other and remember those gatherings of our youth and childhood with people who no longer gather at our tables.  We gather to celebrate.  We gather to remember to love.  Let us this year remember the deep connections we have with those at table and those who gather now only with us in our hearts and memory.  Let us this year remember how fragile life is and how powerful love is.  May your feast days be filled with joy and remembrance of love.

My sister and I grew up without Santa, which some have thought was a terrible thing to do to small children.  What they don’t know was that my dad was Santa.  We received gifts from Santa in my father’s familiar handwriting all our lives, and we always thank dad for the gifts.  My parents always brought us to see Santa at the mall, and it was a big event.  My parents told us that Santa was kind of a game with children, and were told never to tell other children what we knew about this Santa character.  We were also children of a priest, so we always had a devotion to St. Nicholas in our family.  I don’t remember a time when I did not know that Santa Claus was a version of this saint. It was on his day that the first of the Christmas trees would go up.  Yes, I said the first of the trees.  Dad loved Christmas trees more than any other person I have ever known. Since his death, we take a tree to his grave.  We pray and we sing Christmas Carols, but we make sure he has a tree.
 
Trees and flowers on graves can be big business.  The office at a cemetery should be able to set you up with a tree, a wreath or what they call a grave blanket.  A grave blanket is a rectangular blanket of evergreens, which is placed on the grave.  Some of my clients at the cemetery did not like the blankets because they reminded them of the burial of their loved ones and I can see why.  At a burial, the flowers are placed like a mound on the grave.   If you go to the sales office to place an order, know that this is seen as a sales opportunity for the sales staff.  Basically, anytime you go into the sales office, is seen from the Family Service Counselor  point-of-view as a sales opportunity.  This time of year is no different.  The thing is, that you don’t have to purchase these items from the cemetery as long as what you want to place on the grave does not break cemetery rules.

We purchase our trees for Dad from the grocery store.  The grocery store’s flower shop section has a variety of choices for trees and wreaths and natural garland this time of year.  Many florists have a variety of choices for graves as well. If you purchase the kind of decoration for the grave that was not intended for the grave you have to know how to secure these to the ground.  For Dad’s tree, we usually use a thin bamboo dole that goes through the pot and the small drainage hole and into the ground.   This has always works well for us.  For other items, you can use a U-shaped gardening wire or bamboo.  If the ground is frozen, bamboo makes it more difficult to secure to the ground.  You have choices for your loved one’s grave, and you do not have to feel like you need to purchase from the cemetery. All you must know is that it follows cemetery rules.

Today's post is written by Midwest Green Burial Society's Co-founder Juliann Salinas


Fare you well, fare you well
I love you more than words can tell
Listen to the river sing sweet songs
To rock my soul

• “Brokedown Palace,” The Grateful Dead

​Last week I learned Evi died.  She was a friend from college whose acquaintance did not transcend the time and distance of the past 20 years.  I am filled with the regret and melancholy that accompanies missed opportunities for one last conversation, a chance to share another moment on this short world walk.

I learned about Evi’s death from my best friend who texted me an “In Memory” page from our sorority newsletter.  It was bittersweet serendipity, as Evi was the reason I joined the house in the first place. 

Evi was the antithesis of the sorority girl stereotype, more likely to wear a tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirt with dancing bears than a pink sweatshirt with Greek letters, but she believed in community and saw the potential to create a diverse, feminist, communal presence within a system often characterized by its monoculture.  Together we “took back the night” and marched with NOW, encouraging each other and our sisters to identify and address women’s issues and concerns including date rape and equal pay.  We spent many late nights discussing the state of the world, philosophy, and social justice.  I would give anything to hear her take on current events.

What added to my sadness over her passing was that Evi died more than a year ago.  I guess I thought there would be a shift in the Universe, a cosmic jolt, when someone with her energy, her passion moved on from this plane.  Maybe there was and I missed it, or attributed it to something else.  Thankfully there is Google now, and I was able to find her beautifully written obituary. 

I was brought to tears by the heartbreaking details of the journey leading up to Evi’s passing: “In her final week, there was immediate hope with a plan supported by everyone who cared about her and her willingness to accept the help she needed. Evi chose to proceed on her inner journey on her own terms. She spent her last days seeking her own path to a new beginning. She did not survive her process. We might never know Evi's mind or intent, but we feel her absence acutely.”
So often we pass along copies of funny, quirky or bitter obituaries. I think Evi’s memorial is not just touching, but important and empowering for the thousands of families who lose a loved one to mental illness. I am grateful for her family’s transparency of love, bewilderment, and grief in honoring Evi’s life, struggles, and death. 
Fare you well, Evi.

I remember the Christmas I spent as a family service counselor.  I had been reprimanded for not up selling a family who had just lost a loved one.  As a result, I was no longer given leads, so I was “park ranging”, but my heart was not in it.  I just could not bring myself to try to get a sale out of someone who was visiting the grave of a loved one.  I know that some in the industry might truly see “park ranging” as serving the family, but I just cannot see it that way.  Anyway, I was out “ranging” and finding no one to harass when I turned into the outdoor mausoleum.  I looked ahead and saw something I could not recognize adorning a tomb.  As I approached, I saw what it was.  It was a baby blue decoration that read, “Baby’s First Christmas.”  I can never go through the holidays without thinking about that little one and his family in that tomb.
 
I worked with other mothers at the cemetery who had lost a child.  When I’m in the area of the grave, I always visit a particular grave of a small one whose mother I worked with trying to make a new grave marker for him. In another section of the cemetery, other children lie buried.  Some were killed in a terrible accident that the community has never forgotten.  Families all around us have children missing from their tables this festive time of year.  Some families yearn to have a child, but for whatever reason, they remain childless. Grieving a child is something I think people never get over.  We all miss someone we love at this time of year, so take the time to be compassionate to others who grieve, especially those who grieve their children. We have entered that time of year where we are urged to put forth a little more love than usual.  Let us be loving to those we know are hurting terrible loss this year.  Let us try not to ignore the pain others might be feeling and open our hearts just a bit more.