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Cemeteries - Home Owners Associations?

7/22/2015

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 Last week, a friend of mine had a disagreement with a cemetery regarding a grave marker.  I began thinking about grave markers and the power cemetery owners/corporations have over our choices in marking the graves of those we love.  Memorialization and grave marking are two related, but different things.  As I have stated many times, how and where we remember those we love does not belong to the cemetery, but to our hearts and minds.   Grave marking differs from memorialization in that markers indicate the earthly remains of those we love. For many, the grave is sacred because it holds the remains of the loved one. The marker becomes the lasting word as the physical proclamation of the person’s life and a focal point of the grave.

When dealing with a cemetery for your grave marker or gravestone, you must remember that they are like a Home Owners Association.  They set the rules by which you must abide and they can change them at will.  Unlike a Home Owners Association, you will not have a voice in the rules or in any change.  The cemetery wishes to maintain a certain look.  For a time you might be allowed to keep things on a grave and then the cemetery might be sold to a different owner or corporation and rules change. The cemetery also just might want to change their look, and then the rules change. You need to make sure you know what the rules of the cemetery are before you purchase the right for burial.  Some cemeteries require flush stones or markers and will not allow upright stones.  Some cemeteries require bronze on the marker, others will not.  Some might specify what kind of stone you must have for the marker.  Different sections of a cemetery might have different rules about what kind of marker is allowed.  Again, you must check before you buy. 

You do not have to purchase a marker through the cemetery.  The cemetery might tack on fees if you do not, but you have a right to purchase elsewhere.  They might insist that you pay for a survey of the site or for installation the stone.  If you purchase a marker somewhere other than your cemetery, you most likely will have to send in a sketch or specs on the marker you wish to use.  They will have the final say as to what kind of marker is placed in their cemetery.  Do not purchase the marker without the go ahead from the cemetery. You have the right of burial, but they can tell you how a grave will look.

Sometimes cemeteries get mixed up in family conflicts regarding grave markers.  If you want to place a stone on a grave, make sure you have the right to do so.  At the time of death, sometimes old family wounds that have never healed properly, get reopened.  Sometimes these conflicts are fought out over the grave marker.  Try to make peace in the family before it gets to the point of a war over a gravestone.  Remember, the stone on a grave marks the final resting place of our loved ones remains, and should not become a battleground.  Family service counselors do not know the family histories and might not realize a conflict is brewing.  Let them know that there might be a conflict.  By doing so, the cemetery will know that a potential problem exists and might be able to assist in a resolution before a problem takes root. 

Grave markers tell a story.  People take a great deal of time with wording and design of the marker for the person they love.  I love to walk in old cemeteries and read the engraved stones.  I feel connected to the person and sometimes what I read on their markers stays with me.  Grave markers communicate who the person was.  They are important for families looking for family history.  While the cemetery does not hold the monopoly on memory, the fact that they create the rules about markers means they hold quite a bit of power as to how the marker will look.  Take the time to research the cemeteries you like in your area and figure out which ones fit your vision on marking your grave. 

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Have It Your Way

11/12/2014

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As some of you may know, I am an Orthodox Christian, and live by a set of beliefs and traditions. I respect that others also have traditions and strong beliefs that form their lives.  I believe we cannot live our lives unless we have a set of beliefs or principles that guide us.  Even free spirits believe in freedom.  When we are faced with the death of a loved one, it is then that these beliefs and principles give us the strength and guidance to move through grief.  For those of us who have a set tradition or ritual that we follow, this can be a joy, but sometimes we might feel that we have no say in the formal funeral.  After all, the funeral is the formal and public ritual after death.  It might not have the more intimate features needed or desired, but then again it is not designed for that

There are traditional places where intimate forms of grief take place.  A wake, for example, is done customarily at home.   In our modern world wakes take place in public funeral homes making intimacies hard to come by.  We need to reclaim and recreate these more imitate and homey ways to grieve our loved ones and not depend solely on public forms of grief.  We need to take ownership of the process of mourning.  We need not have one ritual or one time set aside for grieving.  The press of people at public funerals often becomes too much, and we want to gather with those close to us to remember.  I am not saying do away with the traditional funeral, do both. Have the public funeral, but also make time to have a gathering with those closest to you to share stories and memories.  This is your grief.  This is your loss.  If you want to take time to gather and share stories, or take time to hike the person’s favourite trail as a memorial, no one will stop you.   It’s time we took responsibility for our own loss, and create ways for us to remember those we miss. 

Memorials can take place anytime and take on the forms that speak to us.  Memorials are about shared love and remembering.  In the end, no one can tell you how to remember someone you love.  No one can tell you that you cannot meet at another time to remember someone.  The sad-joyful work of mourning is ours to manage.  Traditions allow us a chance to not worry about what we do next when faced with life changing events.  I love the traditions in my life.  They are my strength.  Living a tradition should not confine you.  Give yourself permission to remember those who have died in any ways that make sense to you.  No one can take that away from you.


I would like to direct you to the button on the side of the page.  Midwest Green Burial has launched Project OCEAN.  If you have enjoyed reading this blog and have found it helpful, please consider donating today so that we can continue to build out work.
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Get On The Bus

11/5/2014

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I promised Ms Diane, our school bus driver, that I would mention her in my blog. I hope everyone who rents a school bus would get as wonderful a driver as she is.
I would like to direct you to the button on the side of the page.  Midwest Green Burial has launched Project OCEAN.  If you have enjoyed reading this blog and have found it helpful, please consider donating today so that we can continue to build out work.


I am not a fan of the long line of cars in procession to the cemetery. I personally do not like the mad dash to the car after the funeral and the getting in line to what might be a long trip to the cemetery.  It seems to me that many drivers these days don’t know what is expected of them when faced with a funeral procession.  Some cars cut in the middle of the procession while others allow the procession to move through.  The last time I was in a funeral procession we drove for forty-five minutes at varying speeds.  I felt at times I needed to speed to keep up and other times we crawled along at a snail’s pace.  I drove alone, which usually I don’t mind, but I did feel cut off since it was such a long drive.  Would I do it again?  Yes, I would because I loved this person, but maybe there is another way? How about renting a school bus for the day?  

I confess, this is not my own idea, but I love it. No need for long funeral processions with everyone on the bus.  People could share a beverage and perhaps a bit of something to eat on the way. Make a playlist of favourite songs of the person. This relaxing atmosphere makes for easier story telling with no worries about getting lost or driving in an emotional state. Funeral buses make driving safer, more enjoyable and create a cozy atmosphere.   With a bus, you would have one mode of transportation, instead of many cars on the road.  They are not terribly expensive considering the funeral price lists I have on hand.  In my area, you could rent a school bus for the day for $250.  Funeral limousines in my area range between $260-$515, and sometimes these have mileage limitations.  You must always check beforehand.  If you wanted to, you could rent a fancier coach or party bus, which would have more amenities such as screens on which you could show a slide presentation, washrooms, etc.   That is totally up to you, but I think a funeral bus makes a whole lot of sense.




This song kept going through my head as I wrote this post, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. 
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Food Left on Graves: a Serbian Tradition and an Act of Remembrance

8/6/2014

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Coke and Coffee
In my early twenties, I learned about many Serbian traditions.  One tradition that I loved was the leaving of food on the graves of those they love. I had just lost my Granddad and missed him so much. After hearing about this tradition, I wanted to leave him some peppermint candy on his grave.  Every year at Christmas, I would give Granddad large sticks of peppermint candy. He so enjoyed breaking up those huge peppermint sticks.  When I was able to make the trip to Indiana, I left him some candy on his grave.  I longed for connection and remembered Granddad and our special relationship.  A year my father in-law-died, we trekked down to the cemetery to pray, anoint the grave with wine and leave a little bit of food.  As we turned to leave we noticed  a Chinese family setting up a picnic by a grave, not far from Tata’s. Here we were doing similar things, and worlds apart culturally, yet connected in our loss.  At Mama’s six-month memorial, we again went to her grave for prayers, and shared coffee and cake with her. How sad we were all on the grave wishing we could have one more coffee with her, she who always served coffee to each of us.

I recently went to a cemetery attached to a monastery near our house. I love this cemetery because people here are free to memorialize the graves, as they like.  I took these photos on a recent trip to this cemetery. These images speak to the loss of connection with those who have gone ahead, the longing to be nearer to them and the remembrance a relationship once shared.

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A Bottle of Beer
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Mt Thabor Cemetery, Crystal Lake, IL

7/30/2014

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I always enjoy a walk through a graveyard.  Monuments fascinate me.  Last summer I found this nearly abandoned cemetery.  I use mostly my own photographs on this blog, so many of the old monuments were interesting and I have used their images here.  In the back of the cemetery, I found these lonely markers.  Some were stones, but most of them were these little tag markers.  Today, I want to pay tribute to these short little lives that left behind them broken hearts.  I have known parents who grieve short lives, and I think most of us who have never known that grief often wonder when the grief will end and do not know what to say.  Today, let us remember that the lives the little ones left behind grieved sometimes in secret and carried these lives in their hearts the rest of their lives.
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Memorial Idea for the Nonspiritual

6/25/2014

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I recognize that not everyone has a spiritual or religious structure in his or her life.  I understand that some people do not believe in the divine.  I grew up with one set of atheist grandparents, while my father was a priest.  This gave me a great perspective on life.  When these grandparents died it took awhile to have a memorial service for them.  For each, poetry played a dominant role in the memorial.  Grandpa was a poet and both were lovers of the English language.  I think it took time to create these services because not everyone finds rituals easy to create.  We are creatures of ritual.  Sleep and waking rituals are among the most common.  At the time of loss, ritual might help us put into action what we cannot yet put into words, and for this reason, I am providing a simple ritual outline for a memorial.  You can make it as complicated or as simple as needed or wanted.  You might add a party and either begin or end with the memorial.  That is up to you.  The ritual is designed to make it easy to have a memorial and give a physical expression of grief.

Candle Story Telling Memorial

When someone we love dies, it leaves a hole in our lives. We remember them in stories, and if they live big enough, those stories go down through the generations.  This is a simple ritual.  You need only people candles, stories, table and a place for people to gather.   You might also need Kleenex. The idea is to have loved ones gather, each can bring his or her own candle, or candle holder.  Someone should lead the event. 

Suggested Opening Remarks:

I’m glad you all could come today as we remember Joe.  We all love him and miss him.  Today, we gather to remember our favourite moments, stories or poems.  Feel free to step forward or speak from where you stand.  After you have spoken, please bring up your light place it on the table and then the next person can speak.  No one should feel obligated to speak tonight if he or she does not wish to. (Leader begins the story telling or memory.)

After a long time when no one has spoken, the leader asks if there is anyone else who wishes to speak, if not then the remainder should bring up the lights they have.

 Suggested Closing Remarks:

Thank you all for coming.  We will all miss Joe, but let us remember the light he gave us when he was alive and let us remember our connection to each other through knowing him.  In the coming days, weeks and months, let us remember the light we shared here of what his life meant to us. 

Variation:

This could work for a bonfire where people add in their own sticks to the fire while they speak. 

One can always add in food and music to the event, as this is also a time where sharing and storytelling takes place and gives people a sense of connection to the person who has died and to those who also loved them. The memorial can either be at the opening of the gathering or the close.  You might want to up it in the middle.  The point is this is a framework should make creating a memorial easier.  Use it anyway that makes sense for you and those you love.

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    Caroline Vuyadinov


    I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity.  I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people. 

    When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level.  I became the program manager and  loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community.  I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

    Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak  to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences.  I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial. 

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