Last week, a friend of mine had a disagreement with a cemetery regarding a grave marker.  I began thinking about grave markers and the power cemetery owners/corporations have over our choices in marking the graves of those we love.  Memorialization and grave marking are two related, but different things.  As I have stated many times, how and where we remember those we love does not belong to the cemetery, but to our hearts and minds.   Grave marking differs from memorialization in that markers indicate the earthly remains of those we love. For many, the grave is sacred because it holds the remains of the loved one. The marker becomes the lasting word as the physical proclamation of the person’s life and a focal point of the grave.

When dealing with a cemetery for your grave marker or gravestone, you must remember that they are like a Home Owners Association.  They set the rules by which you must abide and they can change them at will.  Unlike a Home Owners Association, you will not have a voice in the rules or in any change.  The cemetery wishes to maintain a certain look.  For a time you might be allowed to keep things on a grave and then the cemetery might be sold to a different owner or corporation and rules change. The cemetery also just might want to change their look, and then the rules change. You need to make sure you know what the rules of the cemetery are before you purchase the right for burial.  Some cemeteries require flush stones or markers and will not allow upright stones.  Some cemeteries require bronze on the marker, others will not.  Some might specify what kind of stone you must have for the marker.  Different sections of a cemetery might have different rules about what kind of marker is allowed.  Again, you must check before you buy. 

You do not have to purchase a marker through the cemetery.  The cemetery might tack on fees if you do not, but you have a right to purchase elsewhere.  They might insist that you pay for a survey of the site or for installation the stone.  If you purchase a marker somewhere other than your cemetery, you most likely will have to send in a sketch or specs on the marker you wish to use.  They will have the final say as to what kind of marker is placed in their cemetery.  Do not purchase the marker without the go ahead from the cemetery. You have the right of burial, but they can tell you how a grave will look.

Sometimes cemeteries get mixed up in family conflicts regarding grave markers.  If you want to place a stone on a grave, make sure you have the right to do so.  At the time of death, sometimes old family wounds that have never healed properly, get reopened.  Sometimes these conflicts are fought out over the grave marker.  Try to make peace in the family before it gets to the point of a war over a gravestone.  Remember, the stone on a grave marks the final resting place of our loved ones remains, and should not become a battleground.  Family service counselors do not know the family histories and might not realize a conflict is brewing.  Let them know that there might be a conflict.  By doing so, the cemetery will know that a potential problem exists and might be able to assist in a resolution before a problem takes root. 

Grave markers tell a story.  People take a great deal of time with wording and design of the marker for the person they love.  I love to walk in old cemeteries and read the engraved stones.  I feel connected to the person and sometimes what I read on their markers stays with me.  Grave markers communicate who the person was.  They are important for families looking for family history.  While the cemetery does not hold the monopoly on memory, the fact that they create the rules about markers means they hold quite a bit of power as to how the marker will look.  Take the time to research the cemeteries you like in your area and figure out which ones fit your vision on marking your grave. 

In my early twenties, I learned about many Serbian traditions.  One tradition that I loved was the leaving of food on the graves of those they love. I had just lost my Granddad and missed him so much. After hearing about this tradition, I wanted to leave him some peppermint candy on his grave.  Every year at Christmas, I would give Granddad large sticks of peppermint candy. He so enjoyed breaking up those huge peppermint sticks.  When I was able to make the trip to Indiana, I left him some candy on his grave.  I longed for connection and remembered Granddad and our special relationship.  A year my father in-law-died, we trekked down to the cemetery to pray, anoint the grave with wine and leave a little bit of food.  As we turned to leave we noticed  a Chinese family setting up a picnic by a grave, not far from Tata’s. Here we were doing similar things, and worlds apart culturally, yet connected in our loss.  At Mama’s six-month memorial, we again went to her grave for prayers, and shared coffee and cake with her. How sad we were all on the grave wishing we could have one more coffee with her, she who always served coffee to each of us.

I recently went to a cemetery attached to a monastery near our house. I love this cemetery because people here are free to memorialize the graves, as they like.  I took these photos on a recent trip to this cemetery. These images speak to the loss of connection with those who have gone ahead, the longing to be nearer to them and the remembrance a relationship once shared.

I always enjoy a walk through a graveyard.  Monuments fascinate me.  Last summer I found this nearly abandoned cemetery.  I use mostly my own photographs on this blog, so many of the old monuments were interesting and I have used their images here.  In the back of the cemetery, I found these lonely markers.  Some were stones, but most of them were these little tag markers.  Today, I want to pay tribute to these short little lives that left behind them broken hearts.  I have known parents who grieve short lives, and I think most of us who have never known that grief often wonder when the grief will end and do not know what to say.  Today, let us remember that the lives the little ones left behind grieved sometimes in secret and carried these lives in their hearts the rest of their lives.