Last week I wrote about the sympathy I have for the funeral director.   They had a tough job balancing the truth with making a living and providing a good service for his or her customers.  I fear my sympathy has been short lived.  Last week, Funeral Consumer’s Alliance published its findings regarding prices for funerals in different cities across the country and called upon funeral homes to post their General Price Lists on their websites.  Funeral directors often say their business is unlike any other business.  They would be right.  They deal with consumers, on one of the most stressful days of their lives.  They deal with clients who are often steeped in grief and pain.  The clients are often people who would rather be anywhere else besides a funeral home or cemetery and wish the process they must face would be over so they can recover a bit.  It is because the funeral industry is unlike any other industry that we need to protect customers.  Frankly, we could use a few more regulations.  When you deal with a venerable population, you need to work with them with openness and straight talk.  If needs be we need to regulate what that looks like, to protect consumers.
 
I have read responses from funeral directors regarding the idea put forward by the FCA and Josh Slocum concerning placing GPLs (General Price Lists) on websites.  Some comments made my head spin.  Some sounded so stereotypical that I wondered.  When funeral directors equate themselves with doctors and lawyers, I wonder if they really know what they are saying.  In no way do I belittle the work of a funeral director or those who care for the dead.  I do not.  Care for the dead and those who mourn them is a highly respectable vocation, but becoming a funeral director does not require the same level of education or depth of knowledge.  The technical terms doctors and lawyers have to know and breathe are a far cry from what is required from a funeral director.  They are not the only professionals in the care for the dead.  Hospice nurses, death doulas, chaplains, pastors of every variety are also educated to deal with the dead and some also on the care for the body after death.  Funeral directors are not the only show in town, even if you live in a state that requires you to hire them.
 
A few funeral directors were concerned that the consumer would not understand the industry jargon used in the GPL or claimed that often a conversation was needed to explain the term of the GPL.  I have a wild idea.  Why not make the GPL understandable?  Why not explain such terms as basic service fee? The basic service fee could be explained as the price you pay for their overhead and such.  Maybe then the average consumer would scratch his or her head and wonder why the salon they go to does not have one of those fees.  Why do we not pay for a basic service fee in addition to the service we pay for when we go to the doctor or lawyer?  I never understood why the industry does not take the opportunity to include such things as death certificates as complimentary. Folks always like getting something for free even when we know the cost is covered in some other way on the bill. I think it would be lovely to have a glossary or a lexicon on a GPL so that all customers can understand what it is they are paying for.  Maybe then they will see through the shroud of mystery of the death care industry.
 
Some funeral directors feel that price shoppers are like those who pick fast food over a fine restaurant.  I have heard things like that more than once.  I get that people are proud of their work.  I get that there are people who want an over-the-top funeral with all the fancy trimmings.  I get that sometimes a funeral is like an opulent party.  I am fine with people who want these things and those who wish to provide these things for a fee to these wonderful people.  I am not ok with an industry that does not allow for care to be given to those with little means.  When we have 10 states in the union that requires its citizenry to hire a funeral director at some point in the end of life memorial process, I have to wonder.  I wonder if the industry is running scared and that it knows its days are numbered.  They put pressure on a state’s legislation body and the funeral directors end up with compulsory customers.  Every citizen becomes a customer because we all die some day. For those funeral directors that work in states with compulsory laws for the citizenry like this, know that you have a de facto monopoly.  When states adopt laws that inhibit competition and freedom, we all lose.  Many must shop with an eye on the bottom line.  I am appalled at sentiments designed to make folks feel inferior because they are interested in the bottom-line.   What people do with their own money or how they want to shop is their own business, not the business of the funeral director.  With increasing prices in the conventional industry, some families cannot care for their loved ones in a way they would like.  Some turn to crowdfunding.  Some go into debt.  Some must leave their loved ones bodies in a county morgue.  While that might sit well with some people, I think a better choice would be to allow for a variety of pricing and service providers.
 
When I see and hear comments such as these, I think that the industry has lost touch with the changing market place.  While some claw and scratch for the way things were, more and more people take a good look at the way the industry functions.  Some funeral homes are making a change.  Some providers truly do want to serve the people who come to them for help.   Some do not put their own concept of what makes a good funeral first and listen to the customer seated before them. Take the time to shop around and find a funeral director or death doula that can work for you.

From time to time I visit funeral homes to see what kinds of local resources we have at hand. I enjoy these interviews.  I like to see what’s going on and to see how honest and compliant funeral homes are with the funeral rule.  I know that the funeral director has a rough road.  He or she must meet with clients on what might be one of the worst days of their lives.  They have to comply with the law.   They have to deal with the body.  Let’s face it; many of us do not want to do that.  They also must make a living while doing this. 
 
Recently, I went to a Dignity Funeral Home.  They gave me a nice notebook and pen.  The funeral director was very personable and I liked him.  He was the one that told me that the state would fine him if he had a wake with a natural body.  The thought of having a wake without embalming truly seemed to upset him, but he did say that families could have the wake and care for the body before a funeral director was called, providing they did not wait too long.  He even told me that the body would not be a source of disease. I find it so odd that on one hand he would tell me about the “state fines” and on the other hand would encourage a home funeral type situation.  Funeral directors must feel the pull of the changing market and must know the honest truth about natural bodies.  This one surely did.
 
Towards the end of the interview, the funeral director tells me he will price match with other funeral homes, providing I have a GPL that proves the price.  The market is changing so quickly.  People either no longer can afford or desire a big funeral. Prices keep going up for funeral products and services while at the same time people want cremation from their conventional funeral director.  Cremation is on the rise and “traditional” funerals are no longer in vogue anymore.  The fact that he would price match tells me that he is worried about his business. Because he works for a corporation, he cannot make personal decisions on how the services will be delivered in the funeral home. He cannot make a choice for a wake with a natural body because this might go against corporate policy.  He has products and services to sell.  He has a job to keep, but he also knows the truth of things.  It must make doing his job that much more difficult.   He must balance that all and see clients who want something different go out the door.  I suspect that the more that happens, the more policies can change.  The more policies change, the better served the families are, and that is what the industry always says it is about. 

 
I thought it might be fun to look at what funeral directors have said to me when asked about having a natural body at a wake for an open coffin.  This question irritates many funeral directors who believe that embalming is the only way to go unless you want to cremate. 
 
We Aren’t Egyptians!
 
This response came during my first encounter with the death care industry at my father-in-law’s death. My husband did not want to embalm his father.  Sounding offended, the funeral director said, “We aren’t Egyptians!” The truth is that they do bare a similarity to the Egyptians.  Present day embalmers remove internal organs with a trocar during the process.
 
That’s Illegal!
 
Being natural is not illegal.  It’s just not done often at a funeral, and finding a funeral home to accomplish your plans might prove difficult.  Telling a customer that it is illegal will get the funeral home in hot water. This particular funeral home recanted the statement and said that the person giving information on funerals was not allowed to do so.  They went on to say that embalming sanitizes the body, which it does not.  Embalming retards the decomposition process.
 
Do We Think We Can Minimize the Belching? Yes.
 
OK, after death the body might make unsettling sounds and there might be some muscle movement, but this does not have to do with being a natural body vs. embalming.  This is just part of the natural but odd things that bodies might do after death. This director was hoping to upset me enough to change my mind about the whole natural body at a funeral idea.  It did not work.
 
The State Will Slap Any Funeral Home With Heavy Fines if They Had an Unembalmed Body at a Visitation
 
This goes along with the “it’s illegal” response category.  There are no state funeral inspectors running around making sure all open coffin wakes have bodies that have been embalmed.  He went on to say that embalming protects the funeral home from any lawsuits if someone became ill from a funeral that had a natural body.  He did say that bodies did not necessarily transmit disease, but that was why there were such heavy fines.  Some states have requirements for embalming if the person died of certain contagious diseases.  Check the laws of your state from the Funeral Consumers Alliance concerning requirements.
 
 
It’s Against the Policy of the Funeral Home
 
If you get this response, you have found an honest funeral director.  The main hurdle to being natural in death is the policy of the funeral home itself.  The current industry still relies on their embalming services.  Many truly believe that embalming is the best practice in funerals, unless you choose cremation.  This devotion to embalming is a hold over to the past.  The times are changing, but the industry is not keeping up yet.
 
Come Up With a Plan and We’ll Make it Happen
 
This response is perhaps the rarest of all responses I have heard.  Quite frankly this should not be a rare occurrence. The industry must change or parish.  If the conventional industry is to survive, it must realize they are not in the embalming business, but in the end of life business.  With the variety of people who have religious, cultural and philosophical differences, the variety of the way people wish to mark the end of life will continue to diversify.  As long as it is not illegal, people should be able to have what they want when they mark the end of the life of someone they love.

Fall is my favourite season of the year.  I love the trees turning their beautiful colors.  I love watching the meadows and prairies change from vibrant summer colors to the warm autumnal shades.  The skies become greyer and somehow that offsets the new colors so well.  Sometimes when I look out over the trees and see the many different shades of oranges and reds with just a bit of green I want to have it woven into a cloak for me to wear. The summer’s last fruit is taken in.  Gardens are put away.  We start to prepare for winter.  Fall is a season of transition from the height of summer to winter.  Seasonally it’s the time between life and death.
 
In fall we prepare for this transition, and I think it is only natural that we remember those we love who have died.  While we bring in the last fruit from the seed we planted in the spring, we might contemplate those who are no longer sitting at our tables or chatting with us over coffee. Many cultural and religious festivals allow us to remember the dead at this time of year.  The Western Christian Church celebrates days like All Saints and All Souls Day.  Mexico has the Day of the Dead.  There are others.  These celebrations remind us that even though we have lost that physical connection to them - we still love and cherish them.  Even if we are not a member of a religion or find ourselves outside a culture, we can take the time, in a manner of our choosing to remember those who have died and who we miss.  While fall is a winding down of the year and we begin to prepare for the hardships of winter, fall allows us that time to remember all those we have loved.  If we remember with love, these days of remembrance can serve as bright spots as the days begin to grow shorter.