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Mama's Serbian Zito (Zhito, Koliva) Recipe

1/25/2017

I have spoken much about the Serbian Slava and even explained why the Orthodox make zito or koliva for memorials. Last week my family celebrated our Slava on John the Baptist Day. I have said before that there many recipes for zito. Really, it’s an open-ended recipe. You need to use wheat berries and it needs to be sweet. My mother–in-law even made it with no sugar added for those she loved who were sugar free. If you do this, you cannot skip the raisins. Here is her recipe:

1 ¾ c. wheat berries
2 c. walnuts
2 c. raisins
1 c. powder sugar
2 packages vanilla sugar
½ bottle vanilla extract
½ bottle rum extract
½ tsp. clove
½ tsp. nutmeg
Zest of one lemon

In a slow cooker, place 1 ¾ - 2 cups uncooked wheat berries and cover with about 1-2 inches of water.
Low setting for about 2 hours. (I slightly over cooked mine, but as it will be ground it did not matter too much. If you are doing a koliva that is not ground, keep an eye on it. The berries should be soft, but the seed coating should not be off.)

2 cups walnut flour or since I can’t find that I make my own. Set some nuts aside for decoration. Place the remaining walnuts in a food processor until it looks like this and set aside

Drain wheat. My mother-in-law would blot her wheat if she thought it was too damp. Sometimes I let it drain a bit longer. (You can see mine got a bit over cooked.)
Set aside to cool. Wheat should not be hot when you grind it, but close to room temperature.

Place in food processor and pulse until the wheat begins to break down. It should look like steel cut oat meal.
In a bowl place the wheat, raisins, powder sugar, vanilla sugar, the extracts, clove, nutmeg and zest. My mother-in-law did not use nutmeg, but someone made zito for my father-in-law with nutmeg, and I loved it. I have added to her recipe. (Now, you should spice to your taste. I think I add more clove and nutmeg than this. I grate my own nutmeg and add in the clove as I see fit. Both of these spices are pungent so start off small and work you way to what you like.)
After you have combined these ingredients, add the walnut flour, setting aside about a fourth for the top. This should make the mixture less sticky.

Place this in the bowl you wish to use. And I use a soup spoon to smooth and burnish the zito. Like this
Once the zito is smooth or you have finished with the 3D decorations, dust the top with the remaining walnut flour.

Using the walnuts and raisins, decorate the top with a cross.
If you want to do a 3D cross on top, before you place in the decorative bowl set aside some zito to form the cross. I have seen a raised circle around the cross too.

#sebianslava, #koliva, #zito, #zhito, #memorial, #orthodoxchristiandeathpractice, #serbianzitorecipe

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Sorting Through Things

1/18/2017

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I spent much of this past weekend sorting through things, sorting, recycling and throwing things away. It feels so good to have cleared the space and let go of the past. Granted, this kind of change takes me awhile to actually begin to take action, but once I have started, I am reminded that I enjoy this process. I have not always enjoyed this process. In 2011, I cleared two homes – my mother-in-law’s and our own as we prepared to come to the US. Cleaning my mother-in-law’s home was not fun. I remember standing over a pile that was going to the garbage and my dear friend telling me of his struggles clearing mother’s things. It’s just an awful feeling to be missing the person who has just died and what we are left with is the stuff that must be sorted.

That time following the death of someone we love is filled with intensive work- physical and emotional. First, we have to deal with the body of our loved one. That part of the process in and of itself can be very emotionally draining. We have loved this person and we are left with a body that must be dealt with. We cannot escape dealing with the physical body following death. We then have to find documents and write an obituary. The list can go on. Even if we do not have to make decisions we still have the memorial and burial or whatever is planned to remember our loved ones to go through. We have to greet people and participate in the event. After we physically let go of our loved ones at the funeral, we find that we need to let go of their physical things and that is often a lengthy process and can exhaust us.

After the crowds have gone and most people have returned to their everyday life, there is still much work left to do. When I was deep in sorting through things, I found that the anger and deep sadness could be as strong or even stronger. I recall sorting through my mother-in-laws things, wishing I could speak with her again, but all I had left were her things. They are lovely things, but I would rather have another coffee with her and learn the things that went unlearned. It was all kind of horrific. I felt lost and broken, and I had this almost impossible job to do. During this time, I tried to take care of myself the best I could. I asked for help, but not just from anyone. I asked for help from people I knew would not criticize my process. I did not do the sorting all at once. I would make small trips and do things in sections. I did smoke through this time. I don’t know if I could recommend this, but what I do know is that I always try to take a harm reduction approach to things. Perhaps this was better than something else I did not do? I don’t know. I do know that I stopped smoking after completing the cleaning of these two homes.

If you find yourself sorting through the things left behind by someone you love dearly, be gentle with yourself. The work following death can be so huge that we might need to take it a little at a time. The emotional work can be as difficult and it is often intertwined with the physical work. Take your time and just do what you can when you can. I suggest having people around you who know and love you and whose advice you might be able to accept. If you are like me, I do not always respond well to someone telling me what to do, unless I know they are right. You might find there are those close to you who have had to do this work. Those might be the ones who can best offer the support that comes from experience. I also suggest trusting yourself. Listen to yourself because only you know what is possible for you. This part is more of a marathon than a sprint. Still, even if we think we have weeks or months to complete some of the work, we might find that a deadline looms. If you keep on pace and have a good support network, the task can get done. In a way, this long goodbye through sorting through her things gave me insight into her as a person that I would not otherwise have gotten. I felt very close to her, but still I would rather have had another coffee with her.

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Believers and Nonbelievers in Grief

1/11/2017

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Many of you know that I am an Orthodox Christian, but I came from a family where both grandparents on my mother’s side were atheists. As a family we shared many meals, conversations and good times together. I do not mean to imply that everything was roses and sunshine; we are, after all, still human. Not all conversations were so easy to deal with, but at the end of the day, we loved each other and that is the glue that binds. Growing up in this atmosphere where religion or lack there of, taught me many things. One thing I learned was that not everyone is going to agree with my perspective on life, but that I can love him or her. Recently, I read an article giving believers advice on how to console nonbelievers. It’s a good article. Some of what they had to say shocked me because I would never say some of these things to people ever.

My advice to believers and nonbelievers alike is not to bring religion into the conversation when trying to console someone. I am a Christian, but my perspective on theology and the afterlife might just not agree with theirs. When someone has died, your particular religious perspective should not leave your mouth, unless your regular conversations include religion or spirituality and you agree. We all experience the finality of death even if we believe in an afterlife. The relationship we have had with the person who has died has fundamentally changed with their death. We all know they will not be showing up at a family feast – serving or sharing stories. The finality of death can make it difficult to move on in our daily life. We can console one another because we know that pain of loss. We ought not give advice or opinion unless asked. We need only extend our heart and hand to those who are in the pain of loss and grief. Funerals and Memorials should be a time of coming together, and sharing love with each other regardless of religious perspectives. Do not cause more pain to anyone because we think we are well meaning. We all ought to act in a loving way with those who are suffering the loss of a loved one.

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We Don"t Always Have the Luxury of Time

1/4/2017

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The beginning of the New Year always looks so hopeful. People have made plans to change their lives for the better and hope they can stick to these plans. For me when I make a change in my life I have to think about it a long time before I even acknowledge that a change needs to be made. Sometimes these periods of time come after a long time of precontemplation experiences where I begin to even notice a change needs to take place. Change is hard. Yet, most of life is change. The change caused by death sometimes comes when we have not prepared ourselves. That is the nature of death. We all know that we die, but many of us just do not want to think about it nor plan for it. Facing the death of a loved one, planning their memorial services, or planning our own wishes can take a toll on us. Who really looks forward to planning memorial services and facing our own death? Not many of us. Perhaps that is why society comes up with forms we can use to make the process easier. I don’t know.

We are in a new year. Be kind to yourself. If you made the resolution to write a plan for your burial and funeral, do not despair that you have not already made one yet or that if you haven’t done one by a certain time. All is not lost. This process is cyclical. We do need to tell those we love and make sure they can be found in more than one place, because if it exists in one place it does not really exist. I urge you that if you do not have a “completed” plan write down what you have now. You can always change it when you want. Remember these plans are supposed to be an act of love for those who love us. They are meant to guide them along the way. Be kind in your choices. Change is all around us. Sometimes death visits us and we have to act and without a guide - making plans can be difficult. I know this from experience. This is why I urge people to make a plan. We are not always afforded the luxury of slow change. Sometimes we just have to act. Having a plan helps those who will have to deal with the physicality of our death.

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Mama's Serbian Zito (Zhito, Koliva) Recipe

Sorting Through Things

Believers and Nonbelievers in Grief

We Don"t Always Have the Luxury of Time

Caroline Vuyadinov

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