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Family in Death Care Planning

11/29/2017

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The truth of the matter is that when you die, the next of kin has the power to make decisions about your funeral and burial.  You might have a plan paid for, but the family can still make changes when the time comes to actually enact the plan. Finances come into play often when families make a change.  I have sat with families who have made changes to the plan when one small detail was not paid for beforehand. The price was too much for the family.  The plan needed to change. I think we all have specific ideas about our own funerals.  Sometimes the ideas are just too much for the family to deal with, and so the plan changes. We have in our minds what we want for our family, but for one reason or another, they just cannot be done. Some plans we hold in our minds sound to us like a wonderful idea, but in reality become a burden to those we love. 

On the other hand, some families have made drastic changes to a person’s plans.  I know of a person who died belonging to a specific faith community, but the person’s child was clergy in another community.  Needless to say, the person got the funeral the child wanted.  Why would someone do this? I cannot be sure.  Sometimes we act in grief in ways we would not otherwise do in life.  It could be that this person felt out of control and this was the way he or she could deal with the death.  It could also be that the relationship was broken in some way, and this was the way it manifested the brokenness.  I could not tell you.  I do not know.  What I do know is that maintaining a good and open relationship in life will help at the time of death when things need to get taken care of in a short period of time.

What can we do to make a plan and make sure it is something our loved ones can handle? We must talk about our death and our death plans with those closest to us.  You do not have to have an iron-clad plan to begin talking with your family about death.  In reality, you might need to have more than one conversation about death.  Talking about death is not always fun for most people.  Even I do not like to talk about my death or those I love.  When you do talk about your plans, make sure that they are financially appropriate to your situation.  That way your family will not feel compelled to do things they just cannot do or feel guilty about not doing part of your plan.  The other thing we need to do is to care for our relationships in life. Make sure you keep open communication and mend fences with those who will be in charge of your body in death. Do this not so that you get your way for your funeral, but so that your life will be more joyful, and beautiful.  Having a funeral that goes according to plan should just be the byproduct of a good life.                                                                                                                                                                                         
       
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We Gather

11/22/2017

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​We gather tomorrow.  We gather as family.  We gather as friends.  We gather to give thanks for the last year.   We gather to watch fantastic floats move down New York streets.  We gather to make family recipes and share stories.  We gather from far points.  We gather to remember who we are.  We gather to recall who we have been and where we want to go.  We gather around tables, TV sets, in soup kitchens, and places of worship.  We gather as a nation.  We gather to heal the wounds of the past year.  We gather to remind ourselves that together in gratitude we can accomplish wonders.  May your gathering be filled with joy, health and gladness.  May the coming season of holidays be one of brightness.   May we all have a happy Thanksgiving.
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Tomorrow is not Promised Us

11/15/2017

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​Tomorrow is not promised to us. Sometimes our lives change dramatically, overnight and with little warning.  We live now – we love now, and hope for tomorrow.  We live much of our lives on a razor’s edge.  We dare not stop too often to look lest we become too afraid.  Perhaps this is the most wondrous aspect of human life.  We live our lives with courage and hope, creating a life for ourselves with little more than will and creative energy.  When life becomes rough, we notice acutely the precarious nature of our lives.  I have lived through some rather challenging times, as I am sure many have.  Through these times, I learned to look forward to the goal and pay little attention to those things that were making my life particularly difficult.  That is not to say, I lived in denial.  No, I acknowledged the difficulty, but I did not live in it.  I lived in the hope that what I was seeking would come to pass.  Through hard times, I learned to be thankful for the small things in life I had overlooked.  Sometimes difficult times can teach us things we would not otherwise know.  Sometimes the difficult times teach us what is essential in life. Difficult times have a way of focusing us in ways the good times just do not.   While most of us are thankful for the good things, sometimes we can be thankful for the tough times.   Let us look more closely at the many different aspects of life that we can be thankful for.  Tomorrow is not promised to us.  Let us be thankful now.
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My Thanks

11/8/2017

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I love hearing from those who read my blog.  I love getting a notification that someone has responded to what I have to say with a comment.  Sometimes however, I get some odd comments and then I know that either a robot is trying to make contact or that someone in the industry does not like what I have to say. Either way, I enjoy reading these comments and contacts from my readers.  I know that my topic is not a topic that many people rush off to read.  There are those of us that do love reading about this topic. I remember when I first started down this path and I was reading Final Rites: Reclaiming the American Way of Death.  I would read it on my phone at work when I should have been making sales calls or late into the night when I should have been sleeping.  My husband asked me what was I reading with such intensity.  When I told him, he did not know what to make of it all. I think he still might not understand my fascination.  Suffice it to say, not everyone finds this topic so fascinating that she would write about it for four and a half years. Today, I thank everyone who walks with me on this journey for however long you desire to travel this path with me.  I thank those who leave little notes behind on my posts. These comments let me know that I have made a person stop and think at least a little bit about death and the industry.  I thank those of you who if they spot an error in my text contact me to fix the mistake.  I live with dyslexia and I love to write, so there is always the hazard of making some slight mistake in spelling or word use.  Thank you very much.  Thank you to those who share my posts.  This helps me reach those who I might not have had the chance to reach.  We are about to enter into the big holidays.  Things get rough for so many of us. Today, I wanted to take the time before the rush to thank you all for the little ways that you help buoy me along this wild road.  Thank you.
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Only One Wrong Way to Plan a Funeral

11/1/2017

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I advocate for a simple and natural burial, but that does not always fit with people’s lives and views on death. I did not always think I wanted a natural or green burial.  I came to that conclusion through research and a lifelong discussion I had had with family members. Growing up my family thought cremation was the way to go. After I became an Orthodox Christian, I realized that cremation was no longer an option, so I thought for years I would be embalmed. One day at the beginning of my research into the death care industry I read about the process of embalming. I remember the shock I had. After I read about it I knew embalming was not for me.  I realize that not everyone will come to the same conclusion using the same set of data. That is fine.  Each of us has a unique idea of what they might want to have done at the time of death.  I encourage everyone to do the research and make the decision for the type of disposition of your body in death that fits with how you live.  Waiting too long means that the decision made at the time of death might not fit the needs of your family.  Very often a family who has no plan to follow chooses to do things that seem like the easiest thing to do. The easiest thing might not fit the needs of your family.  There really is not a wrong way to plan a funeral unless you do not take the time to plan beforehand.  One of the kindest acts we do for our families is to plan our funeral.  That way our family members are not left having to wonder what to do at the time of your death.
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    Caroline Vuyadinov


    I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity.  I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people. 

    When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level.  I became the program manager and  loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community.  I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

    Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak  to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences.  I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial. 

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