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Grieving Through the Holidays: You Can't Stop Christmas From Coming

11/26/2014

It looks to me like Dad is only about halfway through with this tree.

My father was Christmas. I was in the first grade when I realized not everyone had a Christmas tree approximately half the size of the living room.   He was a cute smart red-haired boy and he said his tree was three feet high. I was flabbergasted and I felt sorry for him. How could you possibly have a tree smaller than half the size of a living room? That was when I realized not everyone had as wonderful and as beautiful a tree as I had at home. Not everyone had a full art installation every year in the form of a tree. It took us about a week to finish the tree. It took one evening to drag the tree in, have dad cut off the bottom and top so we had the fullest part of the tree and set it in the living room. We took a day to do the lights and Mom would always say that it was so beautiful just the way it was. Then the following days we would unwrap the ornaments and tell stories about the ones we loved best. Dad would always have a few new ones. He always put the wedding cake topper in the tree because he said it brought good luck. If we had a tree decorating party, people would sit down after an hour saying they could not find a place to put another ornament, but we could keep going for hours more. Then we would put on the tinsel. Dad never could deal with the metal icicles, so we put hundreds of plastic icicles on for a finish. All the while, we had German Christmas Carols playing. Christmas was so central to who my father was. It was a horror that first year without him.

My dad died in June.   That gave me six months to make a plan on how I would handle Christmas, or at least get my head around putting up a tree. You might think that was a long enough time, but Christmas was all about Dad. December came and I made no moves to decorate anything. On December 21, my husband took me aside and said, “You have two small boys. You have to put up a tree. Honey, you can’t stop Christmas from coming. I know you see your dad in everything, but you have to put up a tree.” So, I put up my small, three-foot tree. If anyone can make a three foot tree look like a jewel, it would be my father’s daughter. I even put up a wreath that I purchased the year before because I thought Dad would love it. I cried a lot, but I put up the tree.

Every year is hard, but every year is made easier. We put up at least one tree. Sometimes we put up two. I “take Dad with me” when I go into Christmas section of stores. Mind you, I know in my bones that I have no business purchasing one more ornament or decoration. I don’t think my boys could justify any such purchases. I put up the tree with my boys now. I see that they love the tree too. I love passing the love of the tree and Christmas on to my boys. The pain does not miraculously go away – I cry every year. Sometimes with all the festivities around me it has felt incongruous with my feelings, but I have found a way to take my grief with me through the holidays. I celebrate the feast days, and in my family we have quite a few, by making the celebration the way we would like while still remembering Dad. This year, we are using dad’s big tree. It hasn’t been used in seven years and I think I can handle it this year. The basement is still filled with his ornaments and one day, my sister and I will have to open those boxes up and deal with the memories these bring to us. I’m hoping we get to it in the next year.   It’s not a perfect process, but one we can live with. Grief is a process and we are never really done with it. My sister says grief is like an unwanted roommate that just won’t go away.

This is an image of my tree. I put our wedding cake topper in our tree too. My tree is mostly made up of rejects of my father's tree and a few of my own collected ornaments.

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Making and Changing Your Death Plans

11/19/2014

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As the days grow darker, we might find ourselves thinking about endings and maybe about death. I think it is a natural result of the changing season as the earth in the North goes to sleep. Some of us might find thoughts about death uncomfortable. I can’t say that the thought of death brings me joy, but I know I must face death. At some point our biological existence ceases and then someone who loves us must deal with the physicality of our death. No one wants to think that those who love us most facing our physical absence and dealing with all the details that come with death. This week, I went to check out my final wishes document I wrote almost three years ago. My partner and I thought we needed to write our own wishes if we were going to ask others to write one. She has a whole section dedicated to the music at her memorial. She’s a musician, so that makes sense. I had a whole section devoted to caterers. I come from a long line of great hostesses who know how to throw a great party. When I opened the plan this week, I knew I needed to update it.

I surprised myself because nearly three years ago, I firmly wanted a coffin, which I called a casket. I would never call a coffin a casket these days, because I now know the use of the term casket is used by the funeral industry to get us to think that we are putting our beloveds in a special treasure box. So, I looked at shrouds, and pasted websites of my favourites into the body of the plan. You can find a nice list on the Midwest Green Burial Society page, Shrouds, Coffins and Home Funeral Guides. Because I live in Illinois, I had to include a funeral director in my plan, and changed that too. I removed the caterers from my list, because if I die there is a restaurant next door to the church we attend. (Score!) I still want a Jazz Quartet to play When the Saints Go Marching In after the burial rites are completed. I had a professor at seminary that had this at his funeral and I love the idea.

While making a plan for my death is uncomfortable, I know my family and loved ones will benefit. In the time of great grief, I found it difficult to recall what I had been told or in other cases, come up with an idea that made sense for a funeral. Read the Midwest Green Burial Society’s Planning Form. Our form is a formless form that should allow you to make plans that fit your needs. No two of us are alike, and that is why this form was created to meet most everyone’s needs. Start thinking about what you want and I encourage you all to start writing your plans. Take it slowly. If you come from a family that shies away from the topic of death, find one person and start a conversation with him or her. If you don’t feel comfortable talking to your family, find a friend. If that does not work for you, talk to your clergy if you have one. You must find at least one person you feel comfortable with to tell him or her what you want and where to find the plan. I recommend telling more than one person. What you will find once you complete this exercise is a peace of mind you never thought you would have and a clearer idea what is important to you. I found that once I figured out what I wanted at the time of death, I could choose to live the life I wanted. You can change your mind as you go along. I did. Give yourself and your loved ones this gift.

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Have It Your Way

11/12/2014

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As some of you may know, I am an Orthodox Christian, and live by a set of beliefs and traditions. I respect that others also have traditions and strong beliefs that form their lives. I believe we cannot live our lives unless we have a set of beliefs or principles that guide us. Even free spirits believe in freedom. When we are faced with the death of a loved one, it is then that these beliefs and principles give us the strength and guidance to move through grief. For those of us who have a set tradition or ritual that we follow, this can be a joy, but sometimes we might feel that we have no say in the formal funeral. After all, the funeral is the formal and public ritual after death. It might not have the more intimate features needed or desired, but then again it is not designed for that

There are traditional places where intimate forms of grief take place. A wake, for example, is done customarily at home. In our modern world wakes take place in public funeral homes making intimacies hard to come by. We need to reclaim and recreate these more imitate and homey ways to grieve our loved ones and not depend solely on public forms of grief. We need to take ownership of the process of mourning. We need not have one ritual or one time set aside for grieving. The press of people at public funerals often becomes too much, and we want to gather with those close to us to remember. I am not saying do away with the traditional funeral, do both. Have the public funeral, but also make time to have a gathering with those closest to you to share stories and memories. This is your grief. This is your loss. If you want to take time to gather and share stories, or take time to hike the person’s favourite trail as a memorial, no one will stop you. It’s time we took responsibility for our own loss, and create ways for us to remember those we miss.

Memorials can take place anytime and take on the forms that speak to us. Memorials are about shared love and remembering. In the end, no one can tell you how to remember someone you love. No one can tell you that you cannot meet at another time to remember someone. The sad-joyful work of mourning is ours to manage. Traditions allow us a chance to not worry about what we do next when faced with life changing events. I love the traditions in my life. They are my strength. Living a tradition should not confine you. Give yourself permission to remember those who have died in any ways that make sense to you. No one can take that away from you.

I would like to direct you to the button on the side of the page. Midwest Green Burial has launched Project OCEAN. If you have enjoyed reading this blog and have found it helpful, please consider donating today so that we can continue to build out work.

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Get On The Bus

11/5/2014

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I promised Ms Diane, our school bus driver, that I would mention her in my blog. I hope everyone who rents a school bus would get as wonderful a driver as she is.

I would like to direct you to the button on the side of the page. Midwest Green Burial has launched Project OCEAN. If you have enjoyed reading this blog and have found it helpful, please consider donating today so that we can continue to build out work.

I am not a fan of the long line of cars in procession to the cemetery. I personally do not like the mad dash to the car after the funeral and the getting in line to what might be a long trip to the cemetery. It seems to me that many drivers these days don’t know what is expected of them when faced with a funeral procession. Some cars cut in the middle of the procession while others allow the procession to move through. The last time I was in a funeral procession we drove for forty-five minutes at varying speeds. I felt at times I needed to speed to keep up and other times we crawled along at a snail’s pace. I drove alone, which usually I don’t mind, but I did feel cut off since it was such a long drive. Would I do it again? Yes, I would because I loved this person, but maybe there is another way? How about renting a school bus for the day?

I confess, this is not my own idea, but I love it. No need for long funeral processions with everyone on the bus. People could share a beverage and perhaps a bit of something to eat on the way. Make a playlist of favourite songs of the person. This relaxing atmosphere makes for easier story telling with no worries about getting lost or driving in an emotional state. Funeral buses make driving safer, more enjoyable and create a cozy atmosphere. With a bus, you would have one mode of transportation, instead of many cars on the road. They are not terribly expensive considering the funeral price lists I have on hand. In my area, you could rent a school bus for the day for $250. Funeral limousines in my area range between $260-$515, and sometimes these have mileage limitations. You must always check beforehand. If you wanted to, you could rent a fancier coach or party bus, which would have more amenities such as screens on which you could show a slide presentation, washrooms, etc. That is totally up to you, but I think a funeral bus makes a whole lot of sense.

This song kept going through my head as I wrote this post, I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Grieving Through the Holidays: You Can't Stop Christmas From Coming

Making and Changing Your Death Plans

Have It Your Way

Get On The Bus

Caroline Vuyadinov

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