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Memories In the Garden

5/27/2015

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In spring, new life pops out of the ground and we throw off the shackles of winter. It’s the time of year when I get my garden ready. I look at what is coming up and what new plants I might want to add. I love this time of year when my garden goes in and my hands get dirty.  I wait patiently for the plants to begin to grow.  I love my garden.  I come by this love honestly.  Both sets of grandparents gardened, and my father was a great gardener.   My current garden belonged to my father.  Dad had lovely plants, but in the years before I could get my hands into the dirt, some of the garden fell into disorder.  To be fair, the last year he was in his garden was not the best for him because he was recovering from his first brain surgery.  I have brought back what I could and add things that were lacking.

When I put in my first garden in Hamilton, Ontario, I asked Dad how to begin.  He said that I should buy what I liked and just start.  Well, that was easier said than done.  How was I to know what I liked and didn’t like?  The answer came to me.  I put things in my garden the things I remembered best about people I loved and places I wanted to hold in my heart.  I put in lilacs to remind me of my childhood in Michigan.  I moved the lily-of-the-valley from one end of the garden to just under our big tree.  This plant reminded me of our next-door neighbor in Ionia, Michigan, Mrs. Houghton who loved us as children and who I in part dedicated my M. Div. thesis.  Lily-of-the-valley was my mother-in-law’s favourite too.  Every year I would bring her bouquets to her home.  I planted Peonies to remind me of Wauwatosa, Wisconsin.  I planted tulips in memory of my friend, Fr. Steven Kozler. This list goes on.  My garden grew and it was lush.  I miss that garden.

My current garden has been quite the challenge as it is at once my father’s garden.  After the first winter here a large bush died out front.  I had to decide to use that space as a vegetable garden.  I had wanted a vegetable garden in Hamilton, but Hamilton suffered from an industrial chemical fire not long before we moved, and my husband did not want me farming in the backyard.  Now was my chance to farm, as I had always wanted.   I found out about Seed Savers and wanted to try the seeds for the first time in my gardening career.  They had Kentucky Wonder beans which were the green beans my grandmother most liked to cook, and so hard to find anymore.   Every year since I have planted more and more bean stocks. I share them with my sister since they are her favourite green bean.  Cleaning out a cabinet one day, I found my father’s supply of Cinderella pumpkin seeds.  I have planted them almost every year since.  They are fantastic pumpkins and look so great out front of the house.

The list of memory and plants could go on for some time, but what strikes me most about gardening in this way is how connected I feel to those who are no longer with me digging in the garden dirt.  The memories are so strong for me in the garden that I feel my father and grandmother are with me when I am out there planting and weeding.  The newness of the plants as they shoot up through the soil reminds me that life goes on - the seed dies and becomes a new plant.  Getting my hands in the dirt, putting new plants in, and maintaining the old plants gives me a sense of connection to the past and to the future.  In the garden, I get to meet up with old friends and family members and I don’t have to go to a cemetery or a memorial service.  They are with me in the garden.

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A Cache of Mouse Skeletons

5/20/2015

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When I was a little girl, my sister and I would bury all mice who died from my mother’s traps.  We had a special place under a giant pine tree and would carry the tiny corpses up the hill for burial.  We did not only bury mice, but all kinds of small animals.  We made a promise to each other that when we saw a dead animal, we would bury it with respect.  I often wonder what the archeologist will say in a few hundred years when they find a cache of mice skeletons.  I wonder if they will think that the people who lived there revered and honored the small rodent. Why are their necks all broken?  Was it part of some sacred ritual? 

My family of origin revered animals.  When our pets died, we had funerals for them.  In our family, pets belonged in the garden when they died.  My father always gave such moving funerals for our pets.  They were always tearjerkers.  Our animals were part of the family, as they are with so many people.   Sometimes we would cremate our pets.  Other times we would have a green burial, but always they were laid to rest in the garden. 

In 2009, our dog, Baraq, died.  To this day we are not sure what happened to him, but we woke up one morning and he could not stand up.  We took him to the vet who did a test to see if he had gotten into some poison, but it wasn’t poison.  What we knew was he had to be put down.  The family gathered around him and said our good byes.  What a sweet creature he was.  The Vet Hospital told us according to city by-laws if we wanted to bury his body he would need to be cremated.  The price of cremation was $1500.00, something we did not have at the time. After a little back-and-forth with the woman, I told her that I was taking his body and if anyone asked me I would make sure they knew that she had informed me about the law.  I took his body in his blanket back home.  We dug him a grave under a flowering bush so that it would not be disturbed.  We placed his favourite toy in the grave with him.  My husband led the funeral and we committed him back to the earth.

Many of us share our lives with animals in one fashion or another.  In our relationship with our companion animals we learn how to love and not expect anything back.   When they throw off this mortal coil, they leave a space in our hearts that only they can fill.  What I learned about Baraq’s burial was that I was in charge.  I don’t advocate breaking the law, but if someone tells you it’s a law you make him or her show you the law.  More times than not, the advice given might be unintentionally wrong.  This happens sometimes in funeral planning for us humans.  Always know what the law says and then don’t worry.  No one has ever come to me about his body under the bush.  By now he has returned to the earth and I hope nurtured our garden along the way
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It's Not the Coffin

5/13/2015

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Having worked in the conventional and unconventional death care industries, I have met with many people who wish to cause little trauma to their loved ones at the time of their death.  Preparing for their death demonstrates their deep love for their loved ones and their courage in facing death.  I wish more people felt this way and took steps to make their deaths to be as little upsetting as possible.  What I have met with, however, is that often people feel that one form or another of burial is more or less traumatic.  That might be so.  I, for one, am not a fan of cremation.  I find the process upsetting.  Others have expressed their dislike of shrouds.  I recall one person being upset by the clods of dirt falling on their shrouded loved one’s grave.  I do believe that certain burial and funeral practices can be upsetting to some people, but I think something deeper might be going on. 

When someone we love dies, we lose that physical connection with him or her.  It goes deeper than just being able to physically touch the person.  Not having them around to our share days with causes considerable pain.  The person who has died won’t be dropping by for coffee, making our favourite dish, or telling wonderful stories.  Our lives are forever changed when someone dies.  While some of us have religious or spiritual beliefs, the fact that our loved ones are not with us is something we all have to grapple with in our grief.  This loss is part of the deal when we love people.  Each one of us comes with an expiration date. 

The knowledge of our own mortality and others we love causes a lot of resistance to speaking about death.  Few of us really enjoy talking about death.  Fewer still enjoy speaking about the death of people we love.  Talk we must if we truly wish to cause as little pain upon our death.  I do not recommend telling those you love that you don’t care what they do with your body.  Don’t tell them to put your body out back so that animals can get you.  Don’t tell them to flush your cremains down the toilet.  You might not care what happens to your body after death.  That is fine, but those who love you have known you through your body and might want to honor your body in death.  Instead, start a small conversation with whoever will be in charge of your body after death.  You can even say you don’t care what happens to your body, but ask them what they might want to do for your burial.  If you have a plan, let them know.  Remember, it’s not necessarily the coffin, shroud or urn that will cause the greatest resistance to the conversation; it’s the idea of not having you around anymore.  Be gentle and have some humor, but talk to your family and let them know you have thought about your death.  Write the plan down and put the plan where someone knows to look for it.  Once the talk is done and a plan is written, much of the fear and anxiety will dissipate.  We often don’t realize how much energy we give our fear of death. 

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Crowdfunding Funerals - Symptom or Solution

5/6/2015

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Death comes to families all the time in unexpected forms and not everyone has set aside  $7,000 -$10,000.00, the average cost for a conventional American funeral.   Just think of that for a moment.  On average, people will pay $7,000 -$10,000.00 for a full conventional funeral and burial for each one of us in the United States.  That seems wild to me.  It seems wild to me that states in the US (Illinois, Indiana, Michigan, Nebraska, Louisiana, Connecticut, New York and New Jersey) require its citizens to hire a for-profit funeral director upon our deaths to do the paperwork and take possession of the body.  Everyone who hires a funeral home is required to pay the basic fee which can cost anything the funeral home wishes, but from my research is between $900 -3000.  This basic fee covers such things as paperwork, taking possession of the body, and overhead costs.  Just think of the money being funneled into this industry and in these states. Think about the families who cannot afford a conventional burial, but must hire a funeral director nonetheless and do their best for their loved ones.  They are not afforded the benefits of an open market that would provide alternatives such as a home funeral guide to help ease the costs.

I know the death care industry has very well meaning and good people who are in the industry to help families when someone they love dies.  I know many are doing what they think is right and honorable for families.  Why is it then that I see so many crowdfunded funerals lately?  Why does it have to cost so much for us to care for our loved ones in death without breaking the bank, or asking people to help us pay for the services?  Where did we go so wrong?  It’s no surprise to me that people are turning to cremation more and more.  It’s a whole lot cheaper and you have more say in how and what happens in terms of burial and memorials.  What about those who want a full body funeral?  Why must the cost be so high to embalm and bury if all that is needed if something very simple like refrigeration or simple washing of the body?  Doing very little to the body or nothing should not cost the same or more than embalming.  If what people want does not correspond to the death care industry, then perhaps they should be allowed to take their business elsewhere.  In those eight states, we are not allowed to do that, and people are forced into the industry.  Somehow that just does not seem very American.

Crowdfunding funerals grows out of the natural reaction to the status quo. To be fair, it makes sense to me.  It breaks my heart every time I see someone needing to crowdfund a funeral.  I have contributed to those in need. I wonder about the need, the real need for a crowdfunded funeral.  Why do decent burials need to cost so much in the first place?  Why are there not more affordable alternatives that are honorable and beautiful?  Is death really just for those who can afford it?  What about the rest of us?  Do we need to ask our friends and neighbors to help pay for an event that brings so little joy?  It is totally absurd.

The situation must change.  The cost for funerals goes up about 5% every year like clockwork.  Crowdfunding has helped many families meet the cost for funerals, but maybe there might be a different way.  Maybe if we all set aside our own fears of death and emotional pain, and speak more openly about the topic, then maybe we would not be so afraid anymore.  Maybe if we did our research into what we want done for us in death, we can help our loved ones make the choices so they don’t have to feel so overwhelmed.  Maybe if we contacted our state representatives and senators and ask them to give us back our rights to choose, we could make a difference in so many lives.  Maybe if clergy were required to understand the death care industry and help their flock make funeral and burial choices.  Maybe if those who work closely with the dying could help the families more and more through the process.  Physical death comes to us all. We might not all get married.  We might not all go to college.  We might not all have well paying jobs, but we all die.  We all are potential customers to the death care industry.  In the end, we are all in this life together. Take the time today and make a choice about what you can do to help lower the high cost of dying.

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    Caroline Vuyadinov


    I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity.  I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people. 

    When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level.  I became the program manager and  loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community.  I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

    Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak  to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences.  I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial. 

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