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Grief Journeys

2/25/2015

Lately I have been thinking about grief journeys and how we share our grief journeys with others. I know that every loss looks different and every loss comes with its very own grief journey. I have always figured whatever it was that I thought I needed to do in my grief process was the right thing. We have to trust that we know what we need, and allow ourselves permission to do it, providing it is not illegal, or hurts ourselves or other people. Everyday after my grandma died, I went on a walk and found one perfect leaf that and brought it back to my desk at work. I created quite a display of autumnal leaves. Eventually I did not need to keep the leaves and was able to let them go and move forward. This was a very personal journey for me and I did not need to share with anyone else.

Sometimes, grief leads us to rely on others for our journey. In that case, we might be able to rely on family or friends to get us through our time of grief. Sometimes, however, our family and friends are also going through a grief journey of their own, and might not be able to take someone along with them. On the other hand, we fall into a grief that is so large we must seek professional help to work our way through to the other side. I would suggest you find a qualified grief counselor in that case.

When we lose someone we hold close to our hearts, we never really get over it. What we do is learn to live with their loss in our lives and learn to live in the world without them. Grief tells us that we have loved someone dearly and living without him or her can be difficult. A grief journey allows us a way through the unbearable pain so that we can live a good life while still missing them.

Grief Resources

Association for Death Education and Counseling

Center for Transformative Counseling

National Alliance for Grieving Children

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Cremation Offers Flexibility for Families

2/18/2015

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The first death I experienced as a child was that of my Grandma. Grandma was cremated and my mother was granted permission to bury her as she wanted. We had a public funeral where all of her favourite poems were read and all her friends and the whole family gathered. All my cousins held up in one bedroom, shared stories and had a great time. Later, my nuclear family buried her in a cremation cemetery attached to a church. My father poured her remains into the ground and he had us each assist him in that task. I will always remember that. Twenty years later, I was able to walk the path from the church and even though the cemetery was going through maintenance, was able to pick out Grandma’s spot even without her nametag. Cremation allowed our family and others the flexibility we needed. While cremation is not the greenest of the green burial options, many people choose this route for a variety of reasons. In my other posts regarding cremation, Be a Tree and Is Cremation Green? I go into more depth about this topic and the environmental impact of cremation. Today however, I want to talk about the flexibility of cremation for families.

Most states consider cremation final disposition. Indiana for example is troublesome. It regulates who can receive cremains and requires the recording of final disposition of the cremains with the county. Most states, however, allow the family to receive the cremains after cremation. Some states even allow the family to transport the body to the crematorium. Some do not. Since cremains are considered final disposition in most states, the family is decide how they wish to honor their loved one. Let no one tell you must have an expensive urn. Unless you are burying on cemetery land, you can choose what you wish. Cremation offers a wide variety that simple burial does not. Cremains can be: scattered on private land, shot into space, placed in a niche, buried in a cemetery, made in to jewelry, pressed into a record, and scattered in water. Be aware that cemeteries require a cremation vault so that if there were ever a need or desire to disinter, there would be no problem.

For some families, cremation is a choice that fits. In today’s death care industry where the prices for a funeral director and cemetery keep ratcheting up, one does not wonder why cremation is chosen more and more often. Conventional funerals and cemetery products each year increase. Pre-paid options for both sustain the ever-growing corporations. Cremation should always be a choice for a family, but not a necessity. When we can be free to make our own choices, then we are truly free. I still find it ironic that doing something to a body is more frugal than doing nothing or very little. Those are the times we live in.

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Deliberating Disposition: Three Questions to Help Sit With Disquieting Thoughts

2/11/2015

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Deliberating Disposition: Three Questions to Help Sit With Disquieting Thoughts

You’re going to die. Sorry. Regardless of your spiritual or religious belief, or lack thereof, on this plane of existence the meat suit (or “sacred vessel,” whatever your preference) that you know as your body has an expiration date. It may not be until years from now, or it could be a few minutes away. Very few of us know the date and hour of our demise ahead of time.

There are far better, more poetic, reflections on the temporal existence we lead, and I encourage everyone to seek them out as I believe coming to terms with one’s mortality is a life-affirming and, frankly, a good get-off-your-butt-and-LIVE motivator. This post, however, concerns confronting the practical challenges of tending to the expired, inanimate shells that once held our spirit/soul/energy. It may be helpful to disassociate the existential questions of spirit/soul/consciousness from the material realities of tending to the body. Here are three considerations to ponder, and write in detail in to your death plans. If you don’t have plans, the Midwest Green Burial Society can help you get started:

1.     Whom do you want to take care of making sure your wishes are followed? A spouse? A family member? A friend? You’ll want to make sure they are familiar with and willing to execute your plans as specified. If your plans include costs, this person is not responsible for them – you are. Help them help you (well, what’s left of the “you” that they knew) by having set-aside savings and/or purchased pre-need plots, shrouds, caskets, and body preparation services. Make sure all documents pertaining to your wishes are kept somewhere that your “death partner” knows about and can access.

2.     What do you want done with your body? Do you want a viewing? If so, for whom? All the world, or just close family? Do you want to be embalmed or do you want an eco-friendly body preparation? Do you want to be buried, cremated, entombed, resomated, lit up on a funeral pyre? The options aren’t endless, but are somewhat extensive and vary from place to place. You’ll need to know your local rights and laws. Do you want a coffin for your body? A shroud? A gilded casket? A vault? A tomb? An urn? To be made into a diamond? A reef? A record? Do you want a headstone? A tree? A rock on the ground for a marker? GPS coordinates for friends, family, and posterity?

3.     Where will your body be buried, burned, entombed, etc? If you die away from home, say in a foreign country or out-of-state, do you want to be planted where you drop, if possible, or moved back to your pre-chosen burial plot? Does your plan allow for flexibility? If you’re cremated, where do you want your ashes interred or scattered?

Starting with the questions of whom, what and where one moves down the rabbit hole of these, often difficult, decisions. They also start to raise the considerations of budget, life celebrations/memorials, and other end-of-life issues, such as power-of-attorney and living wills. Contemplating one’s demise isn’t morbid, it’s mature and self-aware. By deliberating death, I’ve found, one can better appreciate this short world walk of a life.

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Is Cremation Green?

2/4/2015

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Many people choose cremation as an end of life option thinking it is a green choice. I remember sitting with my father and granddad at the table discussing the virtues of cremation. Granddad’s driving idea in his life was to do things naturally, and I think he did not like the idea of embalming. For him, cremation just sped up the process of decomposition. As you can tell, we had discussed very interesting topics at the dinner table. Truth to be told, I think this discussion took place after dinner. I suspect Granddad knew about natural or green burial practices, but embalming became conventional in his lifetime. He probably knew how difficult it would be to have a natural burial especially since he wanted to be buried in his hometown in another state. I wish I could sit down with these two and discuss this topic again.

Is cremation green? Well, not really. One cremation uses as much energy as it takes to drive a car 600 miles. Taking the cremation stats of 2010 into consideration, all cremations in the US uses as much energy as it takes to get to the moon 2,615 times. As you can see, it takes a lot of energy to destroy a human body. Cremation is steadily becoming more and more popular so the overall use of energy increases. Considering the fact that cremation is not federally regulated, and that crematoriums are not required to have scrubbers on their stacks, the greenness fades even more so. Whatever the body is wearing when it comes to the crematorium is what gets burned. People of a certain age have mercury fillings, so mercury goes up into the atmosphere, along with any man-made fibers or plastic that arrives with the body. I know that some crematoriums have scrubbers. I suggest if you do choose this option, and want to be environmentally conscious, that you check out the operation of the crematorium before you decide. I also think you should make plans as to how a body arrives so that it is in natural fibers. You could choose to have a shroud or dressed in natural fibers.

People are attracted to cremation for many reasons. Unlike a traditional full body burial, cremation allows the family to make many choices for memorialization. No funeral director needs to be involved beyond the procedure in seven states. In some states, you can take care of everything from beginning to the end, as long as you follow state laws. You can transport the body and you can sprinkle the cremains on your own property or keep them in any urn of your choice. Cremains can be pressed into an album or made into jewelry. People say that cremation takes up less land or that you can become a tree. In reality, the cremains are inert and no longer can nourish the earth into which they are placed. Cremation, however, remains attractive for so many people. There is a greener “cremation” choice called in Illinois flameless cremation or resomation, but that is topic of a different post. As in most things in life, we have to weigh the positive and the negative and choose which is best for your family and us. Perhaps cremation is not the greenest choice, but it is greener than being embalmed and entombed in a mausoleum. Choose what works for you and your family. I firmly believe that we should not feel guilty about our choices, but I believe we owe it to ourselves to know as much as we can before we make the decision.

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Caroline Vuyadinov

I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity. I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people.

When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level. I became the program manager and loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community. I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences. I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial.

Grief Journeys

Cremation Offers Flexibility for Families

Deliberating Disposition: Three Questions to Help Sit With Disquieting Thoughts

Is Cremation Green?

Caroline Vuyadinov

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