I was once a family service counselor at a local cemetery.  When I took the job, I thought I would be helping people plan for their burial.  I knew planning for your death was a good thing, but I did not understand that the position was primarily a sales job.  When I served a family by giving them what they needed and did not up- sell them in the face of a recent death, I was placed on probation.  This event opened my eyes to the truth of the industry. What I discovered lead me to leave the industry.  As ongoing amends, I write this blog.  Today, I want to look sales techniques used in cemeteries. 

Next Space Available

If you get a call from the cemetery in which you have a plot or two, and a family service counselor tells you that you have an opportunity to purchase a plot next to your already existing plot, know that they are using the “Next Space Available” technique.  The hope is that they will feel a need to preserve family heritage.  If everyone in the family has space together, it helps to preserve family information. There is some truth in this.  I have fond memories of playing in cemeteries as my dad did family research. If you are interested in preserving family information, you might feel compelled to act on this “opportunity”. 

Deed Delivery

When you purchase a plot, a family service counselor will want to deliver your deed in person.  A family service counselor can mail the deed, but having an in person meeting benefits him or her.  A meeting helps a burgeoning relationship, and the sales person will hope that you will give referrals.  Referrals are the backbone of any sales person’s lifeline.  A referral is gold because when you make contact with the referral, they already feel more at ease with you because a friend has associated his name with the cemetery.

Funeral Follow-up

The cemetery offers to meet with the family to give them the rules and regulations of the cemetery and answer any questions that a family might have.  This meeting might focus on the grave marker if no marker is already installed.  The family service counselor might want to give you a memento from the cemetery like bookmarks of your loved one’s obituary.  These meetings might be helpful to the family, but they are also seen as sales opportunities.  The sales person might bring up family heritage and plant the seeds for a purchase of a family plot.  The family service counselor might ask about the services you have received and ask for referrals.  As stated before, referrals are gold.

Work Orders

A family service counselor will walk the cemetery from time to time to check out the condition of the graves.  Sometimes the grounds crew will fill out the orders and you as the sales person will get the information about the grave in question.  If stonework is broken or something needs fixing on a grave, a family service counselor will contact the owner of the plot.  A skilled sales person can turn this into a sales opportunity.  The call might turn into a record review (see below) or maybe a next space available opportunity.   Suddenly a work order turns into a sales prospect. 

Record Review/Update

As the family service counselor moves through the records, you might notice that some plots do not have a completed burial plan.  The record will indicate they do not have the open-and-close or vaults or grave markers. The sales person will contact the owners in for a record review and a sales opportunity. 

Cemetery Survey

You might walk into a cemetery office and a family service counselor might greet you on duty and start up a little conversation.  He or she might ask you to fill out a survey because the cemetery wants to improve services or the overall appearance of the park.  A survey is mostly a way to get your contact information, referrals and a way to begin a sales meeting in the future.

Park Ranger

When park ranging, a family service counselor always carries a folder or something official looking so that they look like they are working.  They will spot someone visiting a grave, approach him or her and ask if everything looks all right at the grave or if they need help.   If they look lost the sales person will assist them in locating a grave.  Those skilled in this technique can approach visitors in a cemetery and have them feel very comfortable.  The goal is to get the visitor or visitors establish rapport, get contact information and maybe referrals to other family members and friends.  A visit at a grave becomes a sales opportunity for family service counselors.

I was not a good sales person.  I could not up-sell at the time of death.  I could not insinuate myself into the lives of grieving families for long.  My belief system did not allow me to continue as a sales person.  I was just not cut out for the work.  I know the cemetery was not thrilled with my numbers either.  I find advocating and helping people make an end of life plan much more fulfilling than selling them something.

 Last week, a friend of mine had a disagreement with a cemetery regarding a grave marker.  I began thinking about grave markers and the power cemetery owners/corporations have over our choices in marking the graves of those we love.  Memorialization and grave marking are two related, but different things.  As I have stated many times, how and where we remember those we love does not belong to the cemetery, but to our hearts and minds.   Grave marking differs from memorialization in that markers indicate the earthly remains of those we love. For many, the grave is sacred because it holds the remains of the loved one. The marker becomes the lasting word as the physical proclamation of the person’s life and a focal point of the grave.

When dealing with a cemetery for your grave marker or gravestone, you must remember that they are like a Home Owners Association.  They set the rules by which you must abide and they can change them at will.  Unlike a Home Owners Association, you will not have a voice in the rules or in any change.  The cemetery wishes to maintain a certain look.  For a time you might be allowed to keep things on a grave and then the cemetery might be sold to a different owner or corporation and rules change. The cemetery also just might want to change their look, and then the rules change. You need to make sure you know what the rules of the cemetery are before you purchase the right for burial.  Some cemeteries require flush stones or markers and will not allow upright stones.  Some cemeteries require bronze on the marker, others will not.  Some might specify what kind of stone you must have for the marker.  Different sections of a cemetery might have different rules about what kind of marker is allowed.  Again, you must check before you buy. 

You do not have to purchase a marker through the cemetery.  The cemetery might tack on fees if you do not, but you have a right to purchase elsewhere.  They might insist that you pay for a survey of the site or for installation the stone.  If you purchase a marker somewhere other than your cemetery, you most likely will have to send in a sketch or specs on the marker you wish to use.  They will have the final say as to what kind of marker is placed in their cemetery.  Do not purchase the marker without the go ahead from the cemetery. You have the right of burial, but they can tell you how a grave will look.

Sometimes cemeteries get mixed up in family conflicts regarding grave markers.  If you want to place a stone on a grave, make sure you have the right to do so.  At the time of death, sometimes old family wounds that have never healed properly, get reopened.  Sometimes these conflicts are fought out over the grave marker.  Try to make peace in the family before it gets to the point of a war over a gravestone.  Remember, the stone on a grave marks the final resting place of our loved ones remains, and should not become a battleground.  Family service counselors do not know the family histories and might not realize a conflict is brewing.  Let them know that there might be a conflict.  By doing so, the cemetery will know that a potential problem exists and might be able to assist in a resolution before a problem takes root. 

Grave markers tell a story.  People take a great deal of time with wording and design of the marker for the person they love.  I love to walk in old cemeteries and read the engraved stones.  I feel connected to the person and sometimes what I read on their markers stays with me.  Grave markers communicate who the person was.  They are important for families looking for family history.  While the cemetery does not hold the monopoly on memory, the fact that they create the rules about markers means they hold quite a bit of power as to how the marker will look.  Take the time to research the cemeteries you like in your area and figure out which ones fit your vision on marking your grave. 

This week while reading through a death blog I came upon an article about cremation.  I found it quite interesting that they claimed cremains had a “high PH” and therefore not good for memorial plantings. I did not have time to peruse the article and set it aside for further reading.  As I have written before in Be a Tree, cremains are inert and do not add anything to the nourishment of memorial plants.  Cremains must be mixed with organic material to help the plant along. I thought I had come across new information and was excited about the new information.  When I went back to the article, I found that all the information regarding the PH level of cremains were self-referential. I had hoped for some scientific information but found none.  I continued my research on line looking at as many resources as I could find.  I could find nothing regarding the toxicity of cremains except for this single page. Sure cremains vary from person to person in composition, but only slightly.  I know some anecdotal evidence that suggests that cremains might not be the best to place at the foot of a rosebush, but the hard evidence does not support it.  Using this kind of “evidence” on a website leads folks to think that unless they use your mix, the cremains will kill the memorial tree. 

The whole process of the researching this claim angered me.  What are people to do who do not have the time or the emotional strength to research?  People are so afraid to talk about death. I think sometimes they just want to find a way to deal with death and move on without really looking at the information the industry hands out beyond its face value.  When researching your ideal funeral and burial, keep in mind that those in the industry are there to sell services and products.  Funeral directors, cemeterian and others in the industry need to make money, and they make money through sales.  Yes, many of them are there to serve people in need.  Many have wonderful hearts, but sales power the industry.  When you are in grief, you might not be able to seek out the best services and products for your family.  In grief, you might just find it easier to listen to the professionals. You might want to just get the details over and done with and not check out all the details the service providers offer.

Here are a few things to keep in mind when starting your own research:

Do you want a visitation/wake?

Keep in mind that by law, you need not embalm for a viewing or visitation.  Remember Your Body is not Disgusting.  You can always work with a funeral guide.  If you live in a State that allows you to choose who you wish to help you with your end of life choices for burial, you need only choose a funeral guide.  If you live in a state that requires you to hire a funeral director (Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Nebraska, Louisiana, Connecticut, New Jersey and New York), you must find one that will work with you.  A funeral home might have a policy that insists on embalming.  If this is the case, you know they are more interested in themselves than your needs and wants.  Keep in mind that funeral directors are trained to think that embalming is the be-all-and-end-all of the funeral world.  If you can’t work with a director, move on. More and more funeral directors are willing to work with you on this point.

Do you want to cremate?

Cremation is not the greenest of funeral choices.  It is inexpensive and will allow a family to have more control over the funeral and burial.  Cremation is a personal choice.  Know your options. If you are going to cremate, do not embalm first because that adds to the environmental impact of cremation. 

Do you want to donate your body to science?

Find out all the details regarding their program.  Some programs, your family will not receive your body/cremains back for burial.  Some will cremate.  Some programs will charge your family for the cremation process.  Some programs will not tell you how your body will be used.  Regulations are not so strict in this area, so you must do a lot of research.   

Read and Research

I know that not everyone thinks shopping around for funerals is fun.  Before you go out or make you phone calls, do your reading.  Make sure you know your rights and the laws of your state.  Check out Josh Slocum’s Final Rights.   The back of the book has all the funeral laws for your state.  Keep reading this blog.  I do a lot of research before I post on a topic.  I try to give outside information for my readers to check out.  In the end, you must do your own research.   Many people do not feel comfortable looking too long at this topic; you will reap the rewards of finding your own path through the death care industry and the alternative death care industry.

When I trained at the cemetery to be a family service counselor, we were taught a variety of sales technique.  One of them was how to sell niches for cremation.  We were instructed to emphasize that having a place such as a niche was a better place to hold a memory than the mantle or scattering to the wind. Cremation is the final disposition of a body and you need not by law bury the cremains. Cremation affords a family a many different ways to create a place of memory. You can scatter on your own land, be placed in bullets, pressed into a favourite record album or made into a jewel, just to name a few.  Cremation attracts people who do not want a lot of falderal in their funeral planning. The industry, knowing this, would like very much to be part of your decision-making and sell you a niche or a place in the lawn for burial.

I treasure the time I spend visiting graves.  When I was in High School, I went to Chaucer’s grave in Westminster Abby.  I remember standing there filled with awe and admiration.  I carry that memory always.  Standing by a grave is a powerful feeling at times be it your grandparents or a great poet.  Far be it from me to tell folks not to have a place in a cemetery or burial ground for those they love.  The place of memory is not my issue.  I take issue with making people think that a place of memory belongs to the corporate death care industry.

We have options for making a place of memory.  Cremains can always be scattered or buried on your own property rural or otherwise without having to make a notation on the deed. You can dedicate a place on your own property for full body burial through following your state’s laws. Full body burial might be easier in a rural setting, but it can be done. Always make sure you know and follow the laws in your state.  In ancient times, Christian communities formed around burial societies.  Old churches still have burial ground attached for members of the church.  I do not see why we cannot have more church run cemeteries or cemeteries associated with other groups.  Why don’t environmental groups set aside places for their members who wish to have a green burial?  Why don’t urban groups create burial coops?  I know cemeteries are tough to run, but we have options if we only look. We have options if only we take to time to create them for those around us.  We never have options if we take the industry representatives at their word.  We need to know our rights.  Modest burial grounds need not be moneymakers.  The municipal cemetery down the street from where I live sells plots for $250 – a far cry from the $18000+ in corporate run cemeteries.   

Many of us do not want to end up in a corporate run cemetery.  We need to face the fact that none of us have yet gotten out of this life alive, and research and plan our own deaths.  The time to make decisions is not at the time of someone’s death where grief can make the process more difficult, but when we calmly and logically look at what we and our family wants for a funeral and burial plan.  If we want to have the kind of funeral and burial we want, we need to start now looking at local resources. We might have to create the place of memory for our body at the end of our time on earth.  I do not recommend ever purchasing a plot for burial long before the time that it will be needed.  Once you purchase a right of burial, the cemetery will not likely return your purchase once the time for cooling off has past.  I do recommend setting money aside for the purpose of your final acts and let your money work for you, and not the cemetery’s corporation. 

The true place of memory will always reside in our hearts.  How we live our lives matters the most and remains with those who love and know us. Sometimes if we are lucky, our lives will be remembered from generation to generation. Having a place to visit at a graveside is useful for many.  Any place that reminds us of someone who has died becomes a place of memory. We need not pay a corporation for a place of memory.

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​Many of us would love a green burial.  The notion of simplicity and returning to nature resonates with many of us. The problem is that many of us might not live near a certified green burial cemetery.  One day, that might not be the case. As it stands right now, I for example would either have to go out of state for a certified green burial or travel 225 miles to a hybrid cemetery.  Because many of us face this situation, we need to know what questions to ask any cemetery that advertises green burials, but is not certified. Knowing how green is green benefits a family facing such a dilemma.

First, when dealing with an uncertified cemetery, always ask why they are not certified.  This will tell you a great deal.  If they say it is because they do not want an entity telling them how to run their own business (which really means they don’t want to follow the rules), then you can figure that the cemetery might not be as green as you might like.  If the reason for non-certification is that the process is long and expensive, but they would like to be certified, then these people just might have stronger green burial ideals.

Second, ask about their burial policies in their “green” section.  A green cemetery ought to be a section that is totally devoted to green burials.  This means that a green section ought not have embalmed bodies or vaults of any kind.  I know of a cemetery whose “green” section uses fiberglass vaults for those people who want vaults.  The cemetery might also have embalmed bodies in this section for one reason or another. This is not green.  Some cemeteries might have a “greenish” section such as this, and they might be your best hope for a green burial in your area, but it is always best to know who you are dealing with and what kind of cemetery you are purchasing the right to be buried in.
Third, inquire about their memorialization or grave marking policies. Certified Green Burial stones must be of native rock and their placement must not impede the veiwshed.  This means that stone markers are permitted, but they have to be laid in such a way that they do not detract from the overall vision of the land.  Green burial stones are very often flush to the ground for this reason. Ask where the stones are quarried.  One somewhat greenish cemetery I am aware of used stone from India and China when landscaping their green burial section. I love the look of black stone, but I know where it comes from. Keep in mind the amount of energy used to bring this lovely stone to the cemetery.  Some cemeteries require bronze in their memorialization.  This is a costly and uses a lot of energy to produce.  Yes, it lasts a long time and is beautiful.  The question of green burial is how green is green and when you are required to use a substance that is not very green, then the cemetery is not very green either.

Fourth, ask about the requirements for coffins or shrouds.  They should require biodegradable coffins or shrouds.  Sometimes even simple coffins are not so green, so ask.  If   you want a shroud burial, ask if they have experience with shroud burials and shroud boards.  Be prepared to educate the family service counselor on the process.  If you want a shroud burial and they are allowed, stick to your guns.  Remember family service counselors are paid by commission.  They have a vested interest in up selling.  That is just the way the pay structure of a cemetery works.

Fifth, ask about their policies surrounding memorial plantings.  Do they require native plants or can you use any plant you get from the local nursery? Again, green burial is about preserving, reclaiming and restoring land.  A green cemetery would know what kinds of plants are native to the area and will require those kinds of plants only on the grave.

Simplicity can be very difficult to accomplish.  Keep in mind what it is you want for your final statement on earth.  You should be able to have what you want, but you must do the footwork to find which place is the best place for your final resting place.   Contact Midwest Green Burial Society, or the Green Burial Council’s and National Home Funeral Alliance’s data bases for providers.  If you cannot find the greenest of green or your shade of green you want, find the best place and keep your options open.  Once you purchase the rights of burial, you can’t always get your money back.  A certified green burial site might open up soon.