When we started the Midwest Green Burial Society (then the Chicagoland Green Burial Society), my partner and co-founded, Juliann Salinas and I decided that we needed to write our plans for our funerals. We thought that if we were going to tell people get their ducks in a row, that we needed to do the same. Both of us focused on the party following the memorial or funeral. Those who know us best would probably not be surprised by this. What I found from doing this exercise, was a freedom I did not expect, a freedom to live the life I want, in the way I want to be remembered.  Juliann and my husband both know where to find my plans; her husband and I know where to find her plan. It made sense to tell more than one person because you never know who will be the rock in the face of death.

Every death is as unique as the person who has died. Many families and communities have traditions to validate, and give form to grief. I believe that whether or not you come from a traditional background, you can choose to have the memorial you want. It takes planning and the courage to speak what is in your heart. Think things through, and gathering ideas, write them down and talk to the person or persons who will be in charge of you body in death.

I am allergic to forms of all kinds. When I created The Midwest Green Burial Society's form I made it free form, so that anyone could take it and make a plan that suited him or her. My partner recently took it upon herself to remind me about her death folder. I felt so uncomfortable about this as I did not like to think about her death. On the other hand, I know what it is like to have someone close to me die and not know what to do. I am honored that she wanted me to know all about her plans and hope I don't have to use them anytime in the near future. May she have many, many years.

I encourage everyone all to start this process of planning. You can modify the plan as you go along and change your wishes at any time. In the end, you may feel a sense of relief and freedom. It is a kindness we do for our loved ones. It is a gift we give to ourselves.

I must admit, that my second secret shop was also accidental and again I was not prepared.  My partner and I had found this funeral home a few months before and liked that they were online and not so high pressure.  Most importantly they offered a green funeral package.  My partner had actually made the call and the funeral director she spoke with assured her that the funeral home would wake a person, natural or embalmed, wherever the family wanted to wake the person.  We were relieved.  Even though we had not done any kind of secret shopping, we both had been involved in planning funerals for our loved ones and had unsatisfying results.

When my father-in-law died nine and a half years ago, the family all trekked down to the funeral home very popular in the Serbian community, (I married into a Serbian family.)  In the city we lived at the time, the Serbian community used one of two funeral homes.  Mama wanted the best, and the one nearest to her home.  We all sat there. I was seven months pregnant and having all hopes and dreams of handing my father-in-law his first grandchild disintegrated, trying to figure out how to plan the funeral of this man we all loved.  This was my first experience of helping plan a funeral.  Tata had died on Good Friday, so that meant we had to wait for a funeral until after Pascha (Easter).  My husband inquired if we had to embalm his father.  The funeral director stated that if we did not embalm but waited until the funeral in the following week, it would not be a pretty sight.  As this was my first, up front experience and I had not yet learned what I now know that a body can be refrigerated for weeks if needs be.  I remember the funeral director saying, “We aren’t Egyptians!”  In fact, I now know that embalming is an invasive unnecessary, and rather unpleasant process where the internal organs are pierced and body fluids are removed.  We acquiesced and Tata’s body was embalmed and we sang “Christ is risen” as his coffin left the church.

Now, I will fast forward to my first real secret shop.  I wanted to know more about this place we had found. I liked knowing there was someplace I could turn to when someone I loved died. The funeral director had told my partner about this process of “topical embalming”.  The body is washed and anointed with essential oils.  The oils are fresh smelling and disinfect the body. This is the same kind of service home funeral guides provide.  We were so pleased.  Before calling, I checked out their website.  No longer did they mention green or natural packages.  When I called the funeral director told me in no way would he ever consent to a viewing of a natural body because of insurance they carried.  Something along the lines of that he did not want anyone catching some disease from a natural body.  I knew that natural bodies do not pose a health risk.  I knew that we humans have been handling natural bodies for sometime now.  I even knew that the funeral directors are most at risk when embalming from the toxins in embalming fluid, not the bodies themselves. I had never heard of this insurance before. I called Josh Slocum from the Funeral Consumers Alliance.  He told me there was no such insurance.  Funeral homes have a policy of embalming for public viewing which has nothing to do with public health.  Our diseases die with us.  They do not linger around looking for a new host.

Perhaps it is unfair to funeral directors to expect to give the public what it wants.  Their training is only in embalming and cremation.  They do not receive training in shrouding and natural funerals and burial needs.  The education they receive speaks to the importance of embalming as a health benefit for the communities they serve.  The issue that we all need to be concerned about is what to do with the body and how to slow decay. In the modern world we have refrigeration and dry ice.  Maybe with some education to the public and the industry about the process, and maybe if more of us were not so afraid of death, things could start to change for the better, not just for our day to day life, but for the planet and those we love.

About a year ago, I began a little experiment of secret shopping at funeral homes.  I am the executive director of Midwest Green Burial Society, and I needed to know some information that really only can come from “boots on the ground” action.  As I stated before, I worked in a cemetery.  I left because it was not a good fit for either one of us.  I embarked on a journey of starting a non-profit.  I will cover that topic in another post.  I had already done so much research.  My death partner and I poured over books and gave talks on our burial rights in the state of Illinois.  I knew my stuff.   I was not your “run of the mill” funeral consumer to say the least.  This must be understood or nothing good can come from this story.

My father died now about five years ago.  My mom was currently going through sorting out some banking issues caused by my father’s death.  The bank needed a death certificate. One could not be found.  At the time of my father’s death, I was living in Canada so I had no idea where she could have put them, so we called the funeral home.  They were very nice to copy one and the bank was nice to accept that.

I took my young son to go pick it up.  While I was there, I casually asked about plans for my mother.  Like most families, I did not see any reason to change funeral directors.   In my family, we have always wanted to have what is most natural and kind to the earth. When I was young we were taught cremation was the best, but since our religious conversion to Christian Orthodoxy, we changed our plans and chose full body burial.  When Dad died, we did our best to have a simple burial.  We were not educated in our rights in planning a funeral, so we missed the mark.  With Mom, we were hoping for a natural burial with little preparation for burial and in a simple coffin. I knew my rights.  I knew what Mom wanted. I told the woman how much we were interested in a natural burial.  She promptly told me that that was not legal in the state of Illinois.  Mind you, I am educated.  I have given seminars on the subject.  This was not at a time of need when I needed to plan a funeral in the next few days.  I was intimidated.  I thought, I must be wrong.  I asked again and she confirmed her statement.  I then told her I would go check it out and get back to her on it.

I went home and promptly called Josh Slocum of the Funeral Consumers Alliance.  He told me that it was illegal for a funeral home to tell me that any state requires embalming for burial.  What Josh told me was that funeral homes have an interior requirement for embalming for viewing or visitation.  He asked me to call them back and see what happens.  If they stuck to their guns, Josh would write them a letter.

The next morning, I called back and spoke with the owner.  He told me the woman who I spoke with had no business telling me that embalming was required by the state.    What he told me next shocked me.  He said that embalming sanitizes the body.   I know that in no way does embalming sanitize the body.  Embalming chemically helps preserve a body for a few days.  As a mater of fact, embalming can not be guaranteed for more than five days.  Preservation may last longer, but no one can guarantee it indefinitely.  Embalmers, in fact, are at risk from the chemicals used in embalming and not from the bodies themselves.  Pathogens usually die with us and do not linger in the body.

When I called Josh Slocum back we chatted about my conversation and he gave me some pointers on how to secret shop.  Secret shopping is a great way to know what is going on locally.  In my position as an executive director, I needed to be able to help our clients either find a good provider or give them pointers on how to shop for themselves.

I worked in the death care industry.  They trained me and gave me a good look inside the industry.  know how important it is for us to understand their use of language.  Today,  I will define words the industry uses to distance or pretty-up the process.

Casket vs. Coffin:  A coffin is a box into which we place the our loved one’s body.  A casket,  on the other hand, is a box into which we place treasure.  These can come in any size.  The industry insists on using the word casket in hopes that we will think we are placing our treasure under the earth. What has happened is that now we think of a casket as a box into which we place our loved one’s body.  At this point I would say the battle is lost and the industry has no idea that the tides have turned.  The  point of the change was to make us think we were putting the bodies of our loved ones into a treasure box or to convince us to choose the best and most elaborate boxes to show off our status and that can become a casket.  In the end, we place the bodies of our loved ones into the earth or into a mausoleum.  I use the term coffin and I urge you all to as well.  I think it keeps things into focus and on reality of the situation.

Preplan vs Planning:  When I was working at the cemetery, I never gave the term preplan a moments thought.  Then it hit me.  When have I ever preplanned anything?  I either plan or I don’t plan.  I never preplan for a birthday party or any other party.  I plan it.  I might take baby steps in planning, but I am still planning.  What the industry does not want you to know is that you are going to die and yes, these plans or other plans will be put into motion and your body or memory will take center stage in a funeral.  Think about it.  You will begin to see how the language of the death care industry is designed to make you forget you  are a mortal.

Embalmed Body vs Unembalmed Body:  OK…. why would we modify something that is not modified?  That is just not logical.  I use the term natural body.  While I believe we all should be allowed to make choices, I think you need to know what you are choosing if you choose embalming. If you want to know the embalming process read this little article,  I have to warn you  that the article might shock your or creep you out.  It is, however, one of the tamest descriptions of embalming I have come across.  Embalming won’t disinfect you.  Embalming won’t hinder the spread of disease.  Embalming of a body can only be guaranteed for five days.

Family Service Counselor vs Salesperson: When you find yourself facing the death of a loved one, you head off to the cemetery to finalize details and are greeted by a Family Service Counselor.  They are trained to listen to make the best fit for the family and the cemetery.   I know I was one once.  We were told that even if someone had prepaid we were to let the family know that they could still bury their loved one above ground in the mausoleum, a much more costly form of disposition.  Do not let the term counselor fool you, they are sales people. They are there to counsel you on what services the cemetery has to offer, and make a paycheck for themselves.  We all have to to make money to feed our children and put bread on the table.  I am not disparaging anyone.  This is just what they do and how they are trained.  I recall the shock I felt when someone from the cemetery referred to me as salesperson.  I was in the wrong job.

Burial Rights vs Plots Purchases: When you purchase a plot at a cemetery, you are not purchasing the ground for burial.  You are purchasing the right to be buried in that space of land.  You will note on the contract (or service agreement) that the term is burial right, not plot.  In many cases once you purchase a burial right, you will not be able to get your money back.  A cemetery will refund unused merchandise, but not the burial rights.  Think before you buy.

Contract vs Service Agreement: We were trained to carefully say Service Agreement rather than contract because we did not want to scare our clients into realizing what they had just signed was a contract.

Death is always a shock.  It always takes us by surprise, even when we know it is coming.  When you are not one of the family, sometimes grief hits very hard. We can become confused by these feelings and wonder why it is that we feel so strongly.   I think when we are not so close to the death, we allow ourselves to revisit our own grief experiences.  Sometimes these feelings of loss are overwhelming and we can not bear to see the pain on our friends’ faces.  We know just how monstrous it is to have someone we love taken from us in death, and we wish we could save our friends from the pain, but know we can not.   We might be tempted not to stand with our friends, knowing their pain is so great.  We may think it is better is ignore their grief and pretend it’s not happening.  When we come to terms with the fact that we all die and that we attend memorials and funerals for the support and love of those living, we begin to face the reality death.

I think this stems from a fear of death.  I’m not a fan of death, but I do not fear death.  I think we do all kinds of things to save us from looking death in the eye.  One of those things is not going to  memorials or funerals.  We will all die and those we love will and our friends’ loved ones die.  I am convinced that our grief has everything to do with the physical loss of the person in our lives.  We should not feel ashamed of the pain of loss in not seeing those we love at our tables or in our gardens.   Knowing our own pain in the loss of someone, I think enables us, if we are fearless, to reach out to others in their loss.   From the side of the family who is grieving the loss of the loved one, I know how much it has always meant to me to have other people who knew him or her, come through the line hug me or come up to me at the wake and tell me a story.  Those are all powerful moments.  We have the power within us all to reach out in these dark moments in our friends lives and help them to move through the early stags of grief and shock with these small acts of love.

Here are some practical things to do when a friend has lost someone:

1) Show  up at the wake, or funeral.

2) Tell them you are sorry.  Do not talk about any spiritualized ideas of death you might have.  Do not tell them it is for the best or God’s will.  Do not tell them they are in a better place.   Tell them you are sorry for their loss.  You can tell them a story about the person or what they meant to you.  Keep it short.

3)Ask them if they need anything or if you can drop off some soup or food that can be frozen.  When a person is active in grief, he or she might welcome having nutritious food in the freezer.

4) Be present with them.  By this I mean, let them be themselves. Take care to check your own emotions.  Don’t let your fear of pain get in your way. People grieving do not have a disease.  Keeping your distance may be more hurtful than stumbling your way through a conversation.  Grieving can take so much energy, just allow the person you love to talk about what they need to or want to.  Offer  to go to the movies or have them over for a low key evening.

5) Don’t rush a person through grief.  You might be over the loss, but they might not be.  They might not be grieving in a way that makes sense to you, but unless it is truly harmful, let it be for some time.  (When the towers fell in NY in 2001, I spent  then next few months providing tea for those at work .  I would purchase teacups from second hand shops and keep tea in a pot on my desk. Granted, it was a bit odd, but it helped me deal with what I saw as the loss of civilization.  Grief can be odd…)

6) Remember to love.

Journey's Beginning

I have spent the last two years working in and researching the death care industry.  We all die one day, but more importantly those we love die.  In some cases we are left with the unhappy task of making choices about their final details in this world.  These choices can be overwhelming and sometimes we are not at our emotional best when we have to make them.  After my father-in-law died we all went into the casket room at the local Funeral Home and my mother-in-law was asked, “Which one do you like?”  She said, “I don’t like any of them.”  I think that encapsulates a how many of us feels when someone we love dies.  We don’t like it.  We don’t want it.  What we would like is to have them with us, making jokes and telling stories.  What we want it not to have happened.  The fact is our loved ones do die. We must deal with their death because their death is a fact and we must make the best choices we can.

Come with me as we uncover many mysteries of funerals and the death care industry.  On this journey, we will look at the conventional industry and the alternative, emerging industry.  We will look at cultural and religious perspectives   We will also look at care of our loved ones as they grow older or are battling illness.  We will discuss the conversations many of us are not excited about having either discussing our own wishes at the point of death, or talking to those who’s final details we will be responsible making.  We will delve into grief and what it can do to us.  In short, we will talk about all things regarding death that many of us need to know, but may not want to think of.  I intend to keep creepiness to a minimum and hope to be as straightforward as possible.  I invite you to ask  questions and join in our journey.