Last week, a friend of mine had a disagreement with a cemetery regarding a grave marker.  I began thinking about grave markers and the power cemetery owners/corporations have over our choices in marking the graves of those we love.  Memorialization and grave marking are two related, but different things.  As I have stated many times, how and where we remember those we love does not belong to the cemetery, but to our hearts and minds.   Grave marking differs from memorialization in that markers indicate the earthly remains of those we love. For many, the grave is sacred because it holds the remains of the loved one. The marker becomes the lasting word as the physical proclamation of the person’s life and a focal point of the grave.

When dealing with a cemetery for your grave marker or gravestone, you must remember that they are like a Home Owners Association.  They set the rules by which you must abide and they can change them at will.  Unlike a Home Owners Association, you will not have a voice in the rules or in any change.  The cemetery wishes to maintain a certain look.  For a time you might be allowed to keep things on a grave and then the cemetery might be sold to a different owner or corporation and rules change. The cemetery also just might want to change their look, and then the rules change. You need to make sure you know what the rules of the cemetery are before you purchase the right for burial.  Some cemeteries require flush stones or markers and will not allow upright stones.  Some cemeteries require bronze on the marker, others will not.  Some might specify what kind of stone you must have for the marker.  Different sections of a cemetery might have different rules about what kind of marker is allowed.  Again, you must check before you buy. 

You do not have to purchase a marker through the cemetery.  The cemetery might tack on fees if you do not, but you have a right to purchase elsewhere.  They might insist that you pay for a survey of the site or for installation the stone.  If you purchase a marker somewhere other than your cemetery, you most likely will have to send in a sketch or specs on the marker you wish to use.  They will have the final say as to what kind of marker is placed in their cemetery.  Do not purchase the marker without the go ahead from the cemetery. You have the right of burial, but they can tell you how a grave will look.

Sometimes cemeteries get mixed up in family conflicts regarding grave markers.  If you want to place a stone on a grave, make sure you have the right to do so.  At the time of death, sometimes old family wounds that have never healed properly, get reopened.  Sometimes these conflicts are fought out over the grave marker.  Try to make peace in the family before it gets to the point of a war over a gravestone.  Remember, the stone on a grave marks the final resting place of our loved ones remains, and should not become a battleground.  Family service counselors do not know the family histories and might not realize a conflict is brewing.  Let them know that there might be a conflict.  By doing so, the cemetery will know that a potential problem exists and might be able to assist in a resolution before a problem takes root. 

Grave markers tell a story.  People take a great deal of time with wording and design of the marker for the person they love.  I love to walk in old cemeteries and read the engraved stones.  I feel connected to the person and sometimes what I read on their markers stays with me.  Grave markers communicate who the person was.  They are important for families looking for family history.  While the cemetery does not hold the monopoly on memory, the fact that they create the rules about markers means they hold quite a bit of power as to how the marker will look.  Take the time to research the cemeteries you like in your area and figure out which ones fit your vision on marking your grave. 

When I trained at the cemetery to be a family service counselor, we were taught a variety of sales technique.  One of them was how to sell niches for cremation.  We were instructed to emphasize that having a place such as a niche was a better place to hold a memory than the mantle or scattering to the wind. Cremation is the final disposition of a body and you need not by law bury the cremains. Cremation affords a family a many different ways to create a place of memory. You can scatter on your own land, be placed in bullets, pressed into a favourite record album or made into a jewel, just to name a few.  Cremation attracts people who do not want a lot of falderal in their funeral planning. The industry, knowing this, would like very much to be part of your decision-making and sell you a niche or a place in the lawn for burial.

I treasure the time I spend visiting graves.  When I was in High School, I went to Chaucer’s grave in Westminster Abby.  I remember standing there filled with awe and admiration.  I carry that memory always.  Standing by a grave is a powerful feeling at times be it your grandparents or a great poet.  Far be it from me to tell folks not to have a place in a cemetery or burial ground for those they love.  The place of memory is not my issue.  I take issue with making people think that a place of memory belongs to the corporate death care industry.

We have options for making a place of memory.  Cremains can always be scattered or buried on your own property rural or otherwise without having to make a notation on the deed. You can dedicate a place on your own property for full body burial through following your state’s laws. Full body burial might be easier in a rural setting, but it can be done. Always make sure you know and follow the laws in your state.  In ancient times, Christian communities formed around burial societies.  Old churches still have burial ground attached for members of the church.  I do not see why we cannot have more church run cemeteries or cemeteries associated with other groups.  Why don’t environmental groups set aside places for their members who wish to have a green burial?  Why don’t urban groups create burial coops?  I know cemeteries are tough to run, but we have options if we only look. We have options if only we take to time to create them for those around us.  We never have options if we take the industry representatives at their word.  We need to know our rights.  Modest burial grounds need not be moneymakers.  The municipal cemetery down the street from where I live sells plots for $250 – a far cry from the $18000+ in corporate run cemeteries.   

Many of us do not want to end up in a corporate run cemetery.  We need to face the fact that none of us have yet gotten out of this life alive, and research and plan our own deaths.  The time to make decisions is not at the time of someone’s death where grief can make the process more difficult, but when we calmly and logically look at what we and our family wants for a funeral and burial plan.  If we want to have the kind of funeral and burial we want, we need to start now looking at local resources. We might have to create the place of memory for our body at the end of our time on earth.  I do not recommend ever purchasing a plot for burial long before the time that it will be needed.  Once you purchase a right of burial, the cemetery will not likely return your purchase once the time for cooling off has past.  I do recommend setting money aside for the purpose of your final acts and let your money work for you, and not the cemetery’s corporation. 

The true place of memory will always reside in our hearts.  How we live our lives matters the most and remains with those who love and know us. Sometimes if we are lucky, our lives will be remembered from generation to generation. Having a place to visit at a graveside is useful for many.  Any place that reminds us of someone who has died becomes a place of memory. We need not pay a corporation for a place of memory.

I was trained and worked in a cemetery run by one of the largest death care corporations.  We had a brief training on vaults.  Much of our training was brief because the purpose of a family service councilor is to sell.  We were told that vaults maintain the integrity of the grave, help keep the ground level for the cemetery and lined vaults kept out the elements (or nature) from reaching the casket. We sold all kinds of vaults from the simple to the high-end precious metal lined vaults.  To be quite fair, we were never trained to push the high-end vaults.  Our training also made it clear that vaults were not a legal requirement, but a requirement of the cemetery.

Let us look at this video demonstrating how tough the vault is.

My first comment about this video is about their scientific process.  We have no idea how long this vault remained buried before it was dug up again.  We have no idea if heavy equipment rode over this spot. Finally, the casket is empty.  We have no idea about the state of an occupied coffin buried for an unspecified amount of time.  I realize that they are selling vaults not coffins, but to be sure coffins and vaults are used together.   When I was a family service counselor, I became close to the grounds workers at the cemetery.  One member of the team who had been a grave digger for many, many years, told me that whenever he has been present at a disinterment, the vaults have always been cracked or otherwise breached.  Sometimes the breach was dramatic, other times, not so much.  Once interred, there is very little way of knowing the quality of the structure of a vault.  Some vaults are sturdier than others.  I do not mean to imply that vaults are designed to break or that all vaults do not stand up to the pressure.  What I am saying is no one really knows how tough any vault can be until you dig it up after use. 

Here is another video:

This one plays at the heartstrings.  As you know, I am all in favour of personalization of death rituals.  I find it odd that personalized vault that will spend most of its time underground, and that the only people who will be seeing it again will be those who would dig up the grave.  We are told in this video that a lined vault secures the casket and contents from water and insects.  It makes me wonder what it is we think we are doing when we bury our loved ones.  Do we really want to keep their bodies preserved for generations in hopes that one day an archeologist will dig them back up again? I think perhaps vaults are a hold over from the anti-theft devices developed for higher end burials in the 18th and 19th centuries when corpses were sometime dug up for scientists to study anatomy.  It’s not a pretty thought, but there you have it.  It’s not a huge leap from protecting bodies from body snatcher to protecting bodies from anything and everything. 

There are solutions for vaults in graves.  I suggest that vaults are not a necessity at all, providing steps are taken to prevent sunken graves. In green burial the grave is filled mounded with dirt on the graven so that once the settling of the grave takes place, the grave is not sunken.  A shrouded body creates less concern for grave settling than those using a biodegradable coffin because there is much less matter be broken down. In green certified burials, care is given to maintain the ground.  Green Burial does not mean haphazard burials without forethought.  To the contrary, certified green burial grounds undergo extensive planning and go through a strict process for certification.  Thought is given to preserving and restoring the land and in that maintaining the integrity of graves and the land in general.

Many of us in the Midwest live in areas without access to certified burial grounds, conventional cemeteries that offer a green option, or in states that require the hiring of a funeral director at the point of death.  Because of the situation we face, many of us have to make choices that are not perfect choices. Here are five simple hacks to make a funeral and burial greener.  At the end of the day, we all can only do our best.


Don’t Be Embalmed   That is easier said than done if you live in Indiana, Illinois, Louisiana, Michigan, Nebraska, New Jersey, or New York.  Many funeral homes require embalming for public viewings, or wakes, or any kind of an open coffin. If you live in one of these states there might be a Death Doula close to you that will be able to direct you to a good funeral director.  If you do not live near a home funeral guide, I recommend you shop around at local funeral homes. If you live in the Chicagoland area, contact us and we can provide you with contacts. 

Some of us come from traditions that necessitate an open coffin for our religious rites.  Some of us come from cultural traditions where viewing the body is central to the grieving process.  Most funeral homes offer direct burial, but you should not have to settle for direct burial if it goes against your heart.   Any funeral director should be able to offer refrigeration. An open coffin with a natural body will not spread disease, most diseases die with the body. You still need to take proper care of the body after death, but this is not a difficult process. The point is, plan ahead of time.  Stand by what you know is right and what you know fits with what you need through the grieving process.  Feel free to contact Midwest Green Burial Society if you need any assistance with this.

Invert the Vault.  Many of us live in states where there are no certified green burial grounds.  You might find yourself wanting a green burial, but have no place to bury in a green site.  If you cannot find a cemetery that does not require a vault, or if you are pressed for time and are deep in grief, remember to ask that the vault be inverted.  The coffin or shroud will be in contact with the earth, and might be the most natural way you can bury your loved ones.  Many cemeteries will comply if you tell them that your loved one will not be embalmed and you want to make greener choices.

Low Impact Coffin or Shroud.  Shrouds least impact the environment at the time of burial.  You may need a board for extra support to help lower the body, but it is by far the simplest way to be buried.  There are a few on-line to choose from, but remember you can make a shroud from a qulit or blanket.  MGBS has a resource page with some low impact coffins and shrouds.  While we love the wicker and wool coffins, we look to the amount of jet fuel to takes to get here from Europe, and we feel strongly about shopping locally.

On-line Memorial. Remember not everyone can come to a memorial event or they live far away, making travel difficult, costly and use too much fossil fuel.  Create an online page for people to express their grief, and a way to share favourite stories.  We live far away from each other physically, but we can come together online to be a support to each other.

Use Locally Source Flowers.  Instead of using florists, who often use environmentally unfriendly practices get your flowers locally, even a home garden.  For an even greener choice, contact your local conservation district office and ask which indigenous flowers or decorative branches you could use.  In the winter, evergreens would be a beautiful choice. For a memory gift, consider making seed packets using seeds from Seed Savers Exchange or other local seed saving groups.   We use Seed Savers Exchange seeds for our seed pack/business card.  Use of these kinds of seeds promotes biodiversity.

Remember, whatever choices we made in the past were made because we thought we were being responsible. I suggest we do not beat ourselves up about the past and start today educating ourselves so that we can make better choices in the future. 

Juliann Salinas is our guest author this week.  Juliann is a Co-founder of the Midwest Green Burial Society and social justice advocate, holds a BA in Political Science from the University of Colorado at Boulder and an MBA from Ashford University with a specialization in Environmental Management.  Returned Peace Corps Volunteer (Paraguay 1994-1996)

A few weeks back I was sent another link for a time-sensitive fundraiser.  A former coworker’s son had died at 16 in a tragic swimming accident, and donations were being sought to help cover the burial and funerary expenses.  It was a sad reminder of the practical realities of death.

With the average cost of funeral services and internment at about $10,000, few families are able to absorb the expense of modern death, particularly sudden death, which has given rise to crowdfunding requests.  Some sites, including Graceful Goodbye and Funeral Fund, have been created specifically to cater to death care expenses.

I am an advocate of, and oft-contributor to, crowdfunding requests.  I feel that it is a medium that provides the average Jane or Joe the opportunity to invest in projects that express their passions and interests in a way that most middle-class investment opportunities rarely can. Getting in on the ground floor of a new restaurant, supporting a local art gallery exhibit or rock band recording, or helping launch a great small business idea used to be the realm of the rarified-air-breathing “qualified investors,” those with a cool million or so of “risk-able” money. For the rest of us who find it difficult to figure out if our 401k is sunk in to big oil or Monsanto, crowdfunding provides a straightforward exchange and often has the advantage of instant and long-term gratification – although, rarely, huge financial gains. Crowdfunding “returns on investment” are, usually, mostly intangible -such as gratitude and the not-entirely-vicarious thrill of seeing one’s supported project succeed.

Another, often unmentioned, aspect of crowdfunding is its ability to bring attention to causes, issues and concerns that are not being addressed by the status quo.  Whether its investing in the exploration of solar roadways, or helping out uninsured folks upon whom tragedy has fallen, crowdfunding “asks” can highlight the cracks in the system and attempts to weave a social safety net and support structures where the free enterprise system and government fail.

Which brings me to a fundamental question – should burials be considered a basic human right and, if so, how should they be financed? Clearly an honorable burial is valued by the military for veterans, for whom they are provided at no cost, but what about every other world citizen? With our identification technology and digital cataloguing/GPS capacity there is no excuse for a nameless “paupers grave” to be the sole option for those without funds, or desire, to support the conventional, environmentally-damaging funeral practices. Why doesn’t our society have a simple, yet dignified, no cost option for all?

I propose that such an opportunity could be created through targeted investments, for vetted non-profit land conservation groups, that are specifically earmarked for the development of natural and/or conservation burial grounds. Hundreds, if not thousands, of green jobs could be created, including local urban wood/reclaimed wood coffin makers, shroud manufacturers, “death midwives” or re-trained green funeral directors, site planners, land managers, and documentarians.

Death care is a $20.7B industry.  If even a tenth of that funding was made accessible to support the preservation of open space while providing a no cost burial option to all, hundreds of thousands of acres could be saved or restored, and tens of thousands of families could avoid sinking further into debt in the name of “honoring” their loved ones - instead focusing on their natural grieving process and life celebrations. That’s an investment I’d be willing to make.  Time to Indiegogo?