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A Place of Memory

7/8/2015

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When I trained at the cemetery to be a family service counselor, we were taught a variety of sales technique.  One of them was how to sell niches for cremation.  We were instructed to emphasize that having a place such as a niche was a better place to hold a memory than the mantle or scattering to the wind. Cremation is the final disposition of a body and you need not by law bury the cremains. Cremation affords a family a many different ways to create a place of memory. You can scatter on your own land, be placed in bullets, pressed into a favourite record album or made into a jewel, just to name a few.  Cremation attracts people who do not want a lot of falderal in their funeral planning. The industry, knowing this, would like very much to be part of your decision-making and sell you a niche or a place in the lawn for burial.

I treasure the time I spend visiting graves.  When I was in High School, I went to Chaucer’s grave in Westminster Abby.  I remember standing there filled with awe and admiration.  I carry that memory always.  Standing by a grave is a powerful feeling at times be it your grandparents or a great poet.  Far be it from me to tell folks not to have a place in a cemetery or burial ground for those they love.  The place of memory is not my issue.  I take issue with making people think that a place of memory belongs to the corporate death care industry.

We have options for making a place of memory.  Cremains can always be scattered or buried on your own property rural or otherwise without having to make a notation on the deed. You can dedicate a place on your own property for full body burial through following your state’s laws. Full body burial might be easier in a rural setting, but it can be done. Always make sure you know and follow the laws in your state.  In ancient times, Christian communities formed around burial societies.  Old churches still have burial ground attached for members of the church.  I do not see why we cannot have more church run cemeteries or cemeteries associated with other groups.  Why don’t environmental groups set aside places for their members who wish to have a green burial?  Why don’t urban groups create burial coops?  I know cemeteries are tough to run, but we have options if we only look. We have options if only we take to time to create them for those around us.  We never have options if we take the industry representatives at their word.  We need to know our rights.  Modest burial grounds need not be moneymakers.  The municipal cemetery down the street from where I live sells plots for $250 – a far cry from the $18000+ in corporate run cemeteries.   

Many of us do not want to end up in a corporate run cemetery.  We need to face the fact that none of us have yet gotten out of this life alive, and research and plan our own deaths.  The time to make decisions is not at the time of someone’s death where grief can make the process more difficult, but when we calmly and logically look at what we and our family wants for a funeral and burial plan.  If we want to have the kind of funeral and burial we want, we need to start now looking at local resources. We might have to create the place of memory for our body at the end of our time on earth.  I do not recommend ever purchasing a plot for burial long before the time that it will be needed.  Once you purchase a right of burial, the cemetery will not likely return your purchase once the time for cooling off has past.  I do recommend setting money aside for the purpose of your final acts and let your money work for you, and not the cemetery’s corporation. 

The true place of memory will always reside in our hearts.  How we live our lives matters the most and remains with those who love and know us. Sometimes if we are lucky, our lives will be remembered from generation to generation. Having a place to visit at a graveside is useful for many.  Any place that reminds us of someone who has died becomes a place of memory. We need not pay a corporation for a place of memory.

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Children's Graves

6/10/2015

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The death of a child rends the heart.  Often we who have not lost a child do not understand or dare to allow ourselves to understand the depth of pain.  Perhaps by looking at children’s graves we might begin to understand.  These were lives filled with potential.  Potential is endless which makes the grief so difficult to bear at times.  Maybe when we meet someone who has lost a child we might remember the tenderness of these well-tended graves and be kind to those who grieve deeply. The loss is great.  The pain is great.  The love is great.

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Helping Face Death

6/3/2015

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Death can happen anytime and sometimes without warning.  Naturally, when someone close to us suffers grief, we want to help them in anyway we can.  Some of us would love to help plan a memorial event.  The fact of the matter is that we cannot help unless asked.  I have attended funerals of someone I know, and see that the family has picked out a metal or an obviously expensive coffin.  I am saddened by it, and I will never say a word to them about it.   Our job as close family members or friends is to support those who have lost someone, not tell them they have done something wrong.

There are those who I believe are obligated to help families plan funerals and burials.  I believe that members of the clergy must play a central role in assisting members of their congregation prepare for death and all the rituals that follow.  Clergy are often one of the first ones called in a death and should have a basic understanding of the death care industry and how it works.  I know one clergy member who attends every meeting at the funeral home with his people.  Some members of the industry do not like clergy attending. Some clergy do not feel that it is their place to be with the family as they make choices about a funeral.  I am of the opinion, that having an objective person benefits families not only with the religious aspect of the funeral, but to help his or her people who are often overwhelmed in the face of planning the funeral.

So, what of those who do not belong to a spiritual community?  Are they at the mercy of the industry?  I hope not.  I hope that those who read this blog and books of similar topics will be ready when and if someone asks for your advice. When someone close to you dies, offer your time and let the family know you will do what they need for you to do.  If you are open about death, those around you will know that you are someone they can approach.  It’s a great gift to them that someone they know will not flinch when death is the topic.  Don’t be fooled.  I have brought down more parties and gotten more odd looks in restaurants while talking about death than I care to count.  I will go right on speaking.  I might not give all the details, but I will continue to speak and I encourage you to as well.  Our free words about such a taboo subject help bring death out of the closet one conversation at a time.  In doing this, we help those around us.

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Memories In the Garden

5/27/2015

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In spring, new life pops out of the ground and we throw off the shackles of winter. It’s the time of year when I get my garden ready. I look at what is coming up and what new plants I might want to add. I love this time of year when my garden goes in and my hands get dirty.  I wait patiently for the plants to begin to grow.  I love my garden.  I come by this love honestly.  Both sets of grandparents gardened, and my father was a great gardener.   My current garden belonged to my father.  Dad had lovely plants, but in the years before I could get my hands into the dirt, some of the garden fell into disorder.  To be fair, the last year he was in his garden was not the best for him because he was recovering from his first brain surgery.  I have brought back what I could and add things that were lacking.

When I put in my first garden in Hamilton, Ontario, I asked Dad how to begin.  He said that I should buy what I liked and just start.  Well, that was easier said than done.  How was I to know what I liked and didn’t like?  The answer came to me.  I put things in my garden the things I remembered best about people I loved and places I wanted to hold in my heart.  I put in lilacs to remind me of my childhood in Michigan.  I moved the lily-of-the-valley from one end of the garden to just under our big tree.  This plant reminded me of our next-door neighbor in Ionia, Michigan, Mrs. Houghton who loved us as children and who I in part dedicated my M. Div. thesis.  Lily-of-the-valley was my mother-in-law’s favourite too.  Every year I would bring her bouquets to her home.  I planted Peonies to remind me of Wauwatosa, Wisconsin.  I planted tulips in memory of my friend, Fr. Steven Kozler. This list goes on.  My garden grew and it was lush.  I miss that garden.

My current garden has been quite the challenge as it is at once my father’s garden.  After the first winter here a large bush died out front.  I had to decide to use that space as a vegetable garden.  I had wanted a vegetable garden in Hamilton, but Hamilton suffered from an industrial chemical fire not long before we moved, and my husband did not want me farming in the backyard.  Now was my chance to farm, as I had always wanted.   I found out about Seed Savers and wanted to try the seeds for the first time in my gardening career.  They had Kentucky Wonder beans which were the green beans my grandmother most liked to cook, and so hard to find anymore.   Every year since I have planted more and more bean stocks. I share them with my sister since they are her favourite green bean.  Cleaning out a cabinet one day, I found my father’s supply of Cinderella pumpkin seeds.  I have planted them almost every year since.  They are fantastic pumpkins and look so great out front of the house.

The list of memory and plants could go on for some time, but what strikes me most about gardening in this way is how connected I feel to those who are no longer with me digging in the garden dirt.  The memories are so strong for me in the garden that I feel my father and grandmother are with me when I am out there planting and weeding.  The newness of the plants as they shoot up through the soil reminds me that life goes on - the seed dies and becomes a new plant.  Getting my hands in the dirt, putting new plants in, and maintaining the old plants gives me a sense of connection to the past and to the future.  In the garden, I get to meet up with old friends and family members and I don’t have to go to a cemetery or a memorial service.  They are with me in the garden.

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    Caroline Vuyadinov


    I graduated from St. Vladamir's Orthodox Theological Seminary in Crestwood, New York with a Master of Divinity.  I trained as a chaplain following graduation and worked with a wide variety of people. 

    When I moved to Canada, I began work in a women's halfway house in Hamilton, Ontario which worked with women in conflict with the law on a federal level.  I became the program manager and  loved working alongside the women, creating their plans for their reintegration back to the community.  I also worked as a liaison with the parole board, parole officers and other community service providers.

    Upon my return to the United States, I worked in the Death Care Industry as a Family Service Counselor, which lead me to become a green burial advocate. I co-founded Midwest Green Burial Society with Juliann Salinas. I speak  to community groups and have developed practical seminars for a variety of audiences.  I have been interviewed on a national podcast and was featured on a WGN spot dealing with green burial. 

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