Preparing for Anniversaries

I realize we have entered June only when I feel this great lingering sadness.   Dad died nine years ago at the end of June. In June I have to face Father’s Day, his birthday (this year on the same day) and the anniversary of his death. It feels like a rat-tat-tat of grief throughout the month. I have lived through a few of these Junes. I know what to expect now, but that has not always been so.  A few years back, I tried to ignore the grief and it only came out in odd ways.  My back went out and my sleep was terrible.  I tried not looking at the grief, but realized I was just making myself sick with grief.  One year my friend suggested I have a memorial for him at church. It helped me a lot to have something to focus on and prepare for.  This year, when I began to feel that old familiar feeling, I remembered that and called the church to set up the memorial for Dad. The challenge this year is that we have changed parishes and I needed to know how they did things.  I set the date for the memorial. I do not feel so uncomfortable because I have taken action to deal with my grief.

I have a tradition to follow that works for me.  For me having this tradition means that I do not have to create my own way. I do not pretend that this works for everybody.  I know people who enjoy making their own rituals and practices.  If you know that an anniversary is coming up and that you find it uncomfortable, discover a way to make it less uncomfortable.  You could visit the grave.  Not everyone has a grave and even if there is a grave, you might not live nearby the grave. In this case, choose something else.  You could hold a gathering with you family or friends to remember your loved one.  I know one family that sets the birthday aside and they gather for a meal to share stories.  You could also do something special that reminds you of the person.  If they loved nature, be in nature.  If they were an urban lover, go to their favourite spots.  The thing is to take action on an anniversary.  That action can be what you feel will work for you – even if it ends up being a peaceful moment standing in your bedroom. Be creative with your love for the person who has died.  When someone dies, we do not stop loving the person, we need to figure a way to live without their physical presence. This can take time to figure out.  It took years for me to acknowledge that June caused me difficulty and that ignoring my grief was just not the way to go.  Be gentle with yourself.  Grief is not fun.  Sometimes it takes a while to figure out what works best for us.  Figure what works for you and do this as an act of love for your loved one and an act of love for yourself.  Your loved one would probably not want you to be in anymore pain than is necessary.