There are mothers who have had to suffer the loss of a child. On Mother’s day, their pain might be great. Often overlooked on Mother’s Day are those who continue struggle to become a mother. On Mother’s Day the pain of not being a mother can become acute. Remember those who grieve for any reason on Mother’s Day and be kind.
It’s that time of year again when we all rush out to purchase flowers for our mothers to show them how much we love them and how grateful we are for all they do. Well, many of us do. My dad was a bit old fashioned. He would make sure that Mom and each of his daughters had a corsage for Mother’s Day. People would ask why we had flowers and dad taught us to say that we wore them to honor our Mother. Before the modern era flowers had a code. For Mothers Day you would wear a colored flower if your mother were still living and a white flower if she were not. Mother’s Day was about our mothers not necessarily about us as mothers. Mother’s Day is about honoring the women who have given birth, and nurtured humans throughout time. On Mother’s Day we look backwards to those who have come before us and have shaped our lives in so many wonderful ways. For some of us, we have lost our mothers and grandmothers and we miss them especially on Mother’s Day. Mother’s Day is for us to remember them all as part of the great chain of life.
There are mothers who have had to suffer the loss of a child. On Mother’s day, their pain might be great. Often overlooked on Mother’s Day are those who continue struggle to become a mother. On Mother’s Day the pain of not being a mother can become acute. Remember those who grieve for any reason on Mother’s Day and be kind.
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Humans are funny. Maybe humans in North America are even more funny. Perhaps my topic brings out the unusual logic of North Americans. I do not know. What I do know is that once the topic of death comes up, I am liable to hear some unusual comments. I have heard many times “If I die…” From banker I heard, “Should you die….” I had a client once say to me while preparing for a burial, “I never thought it would come to this…” It is as if many of us somehow think that things will be different for us. Perhaps the order of nature will be overthrown and we will not have to face our death or those we love. I understand that the topic of death makes people feel uncomfortable. I understand that we do not like thinking that one day our lives will be entrusted to story and memory. I had a professor who often told us, “One day you will be as flat as the ground.” Granted, it is not a cheery message, but I was always glad for the reality check. Sometimes reality is not so cheery and from time to time we do well to look reality in the face. The truth of reality is we are born and we die. We just don’t always know the ending of our lives. We don’t always get the chance to do all the things we had hoped to do. We may not even die the death we hope for. One day we will die. That is just the reality of life. We may as well live our life well.
When someone we love dies, we experience a loss – a true loss. Many of us talk about preserving and honoring the memory of someone we love who dies. We talk about a peaceful death or transition. Death is not always that peaceful transition maybe we all hope it might be. I for one do not want to die a painful death. Sounds just very unpleasant. Well, death is unpleasant. Even if the death is long expected or an end to a long painful battle, death is not usually something we look forward to. In death, we find a loss – a deep true loss. Even for those who believe in an afterlife, death brings a finality that cannot be fixed. Death causes a break in a relationship, and a break that cannot be mended but must be lived through. I think many of us focus on remembering and honoring the lives of our loved ones and urge others to do so because the loss that death brings is so painful. We do not like being reminded of the pain in ourselves, let alone in someone else. At the death of a loved one we face a tragedy we can never truly prepare for nor truly completely recover from. Death brings a certain finality that we each need to grapple with. Each grieving process may look different because each person has had a different relationship with the one who has died. We must recognize that at death a tragedy on some level has occurred. Things will not be the same, because they can never be the same. We do ourselves and those we serve a disservice to not acknowledge the tragedy of death. It takes a certain bravery to look at pain in others and ourselves. I think if we are to aid those in facing death and grief, we must accept this truth that with death comes tragedy. When we see those deep in grief, stop and remember that the pain of loss may run deep. Give others time to figure out a way to live life without the person they love. The process may take time, but it is a process that may never see a resolution.
Saturday marks Earth Day and many will take time to consider the health of the earth. I have participated in several Earth Day events. One time, my partner in green burial and I had a booth at an Earth Day event. We had many very interesting conversations, but our favourite of the day was a troop of girl scouts. The leader led from behind and encouraged the girls to ask us what our booth was about. Well, I explained about green burial just a bit, and the look of the faces of the girls and their leader was priceless. Most people at Earth Day events hope to find recycling or save the species booths; most are not expecting a green burial booth. Maybe they should. Maybe we need to take a look at how we are dying in North America. When we might need medical intervention, do we consider that at some point we might need to just let go and cease extraneous care? Have we each considered the impact of these interventions on ourselves, those who love us and the environment? When we are faced with planning a funeral and burial, have we looked at our options? Do we know our rights? Can we make informed decisions for our family and can we choose the greener options? Are these important to us? On Earth Day, perhaps we can take a small moment before we head off to a recycling event and ponder what it means to have an earth friendly death and burial. Green Burial Hacks Embalming More on Embalming Cremation Green? Cremation Hacks Many of the Christian faith are making preparations for Easter (or Pascha) this week. As many of my usual readers know, I am an Orthodox Christian. Today, I thought I would share a recipe that has been used in my family long before we were in the Orthodox Church. When I was young, we had friends who were Russian Orthodox. I remember one Easter we went to their home for Pascha. What I remember most about the day was that the Matushka (priest wife) had made this enormous Cheese Pascha. It had to be two feet tall. I did not like it at first because I don’t like candied fruit. Along the years, I have found that I love it, but without the candied fruit. As a matter of fact, when I eat yellow raisins I think of Pascha. My mother made Cheese Pascha every year afterward for our home and for our parish. I grew to love it. What is so remarkable about Cheese Pascha to me is that we form it in the shape of a tomb, mark it with the letters XB – the Slavonic initials for Christ is Risen. We make it sweet to remind us Christians that we believe death no longer separates us - death has lost its sting.
Martha Lynch’s Famous Cheese Pascha (two methods) Works best with ingredients at room temperature Old School: Cream together: 1lb cream cheese 1 cup confectioner sugar Push through a sieve: 6 hard-boiled egg yolks – one by one Beat in: ½ lb whipped sweet butter 6 hard-boiled egg yolks Add in: ½ cup seedless yellow raisins ½ cup candied fruit ½ cup chopped nuts 1 tsp. vanilla Zest of one lemon Place in dome like mold. Line with plastic wrap for easy removal. Set aside some raisins and nuts to decorate. New Modern Method (my new twist on a great recipe): Follow the same proportions. In a food processor blend in: egg yolks, butter, cream cheese, and confectioner sugar (in that order) Fold in the raisins; fruit (I never use them. I don’t like candied fruit. I double the raisins) nuts, vanilla and zest of tangerine. Place in dome like mold. Line with plastic wrap for easy removal. Set aside some raisins and nuts to decorate Sitting at a church potluck last week, a man I know started telling the table what American Death Care Industry did to the human body was a disgrace. I agreed and added that it was totally unnecessary. Our companions looked utterly shocked and dismayed and the topic went no further. Ok, so the setting might not have been a great one, but I doubt very much that the outcome would have changed if we were all waiting for a bus or out in the garden chitchatting. I have learned from bitter experience that some folks just do not want to talk about death and death care. I understand. Talking about death brings up uncomfortable memories that we might not want to talk about. We do not wish to think about the fact that one day we will be no longer enjoying the life we have now, and we do not want to think about our beloved ones having to deal with our death – both emotionally and physically.
Americans are optimistic by nature, so death strikes many of us as some kind of defeat. I cannot count the times I have heard, “If I die.” The Death Care Industry knows this. It clouds the process in fancy obfuscations to make people feel comfortable enough to purchase a funeral or burial plan before they die. The industry uses the term “time of need” when talking about a person’s death. The sales pitch might go like this, “You can purchase this vault today it will be available at today’s price for the “time of need.” The person will think surely I do not need the vault today. I am glad it is purchased at today’s price for the “time of need” in the future. The whole process is called “preneed sales” and it fuels the industry. Purchase before you need. What is this need they speak of? It is our own death. If they spoke about death instead of need, who would sit down with them, hand over their money, and complete a plan for their loved ones for the time of need somewhere in the future. Few would be comfortable enough to do so. A funeral sales pitch surely includes a pitch for embalming. What else is embalming if not a total negation of the natural process of death? Here we take a natural body, drain it of blood and replace the blood with chemicals. The industry can only guarantee preservation of the body for five days. What are we doing as a society when it comes to embalming? Why do we need to hang on to the bodies of our loved ones pumped full of unnatural chemicals? I don’t know. If the potential client does not choose embalming, then the sales person offers cremation as the other option of dealing with a body in death. Cremation uses a tremendous amount of energy (about the same amount of fuel it take to drive 600 miles) to cremate a human body. Both these processes distance our loved ones from our bodies in death. The body often is quickly taken away by the industry’s service providers and brought to a facility and a stranger, in whatever fashion the family has decided upon, prepares the body. We have separated ourselves so totally from the natural process of death that we cannot talk about it. Death, which is horrible on so many levels, gets pushed aside so that when we meet the death of someone we love, we might not have the vocabulary to discuss what is happening, and what we need to happen. The alternative death care industry returns the power to families who face the death of a loved one. Death Doulas assist families in the care of the body and the legal process that follows death. The green burial movement connects the body back to the earth from where we come and to which we belong. Often people in our society forget that we are made to be part of nature and that our bodies are natural and biodegradable. The alternative death care industry promotes connectedness to life as well as allowing for a natural and simple way to deal with death that does not separate us from each other nor tries to hide that we are dealing with death, not something else. Next time people around you are talking about death, notice what terms they use. Be bold and enter into the conversation. Maybe even use the word death or dead. Changing people’s mindset is so important. Just keep in mind the tenderness of the topic. Some people cannot be moved to change. Some, however, might be willing. The more you speak honestly, openly and gently about death, the more you will learn how to talk about it and the more you can gage your audience. Change might be slow, but never hesitate to tell the truth. So, you want to prepay for your burial. Preparing for death is an act of love and one that I advocate doing. If you decide to “prepay”, you might notice on your “agreement”(contract) that the money is divided into two columns. One column indicates the money the industry can access immediately. The other column indicates the money that is set aside in trust for you- money they cannot access unless the items are used or delivered. Usually the money that the industry can access is money for services, the other are things needed such as vaults, coffins or memorials. The industry cannot use money for coffins, vaults and the like are put in trust for future use. When the sales person says you can lock in today’s price so that your heirs do not have to pay the price of the future, this is what they are talking about. The trust holds the money until the time of need, unless they can deliver the items to you. The industry will “deliver” or warehouse items before use so that they can access the money set aside in the trust. This term is called Constructive Delivery.
You probably do not have a vault hanging out in your back yard perhaps masquerading as a picnic table, nor have you seen headstones at your neighbor’s house. The fact remains, however if you have a “preneed” plan that includes such things, the company might have already accessed the money because they have either installed the vault in your plot or your memorial you “predesigned” in sitting in a warehouse somewhere. Vaults can crack over time. A person might change his or her mind about what goes on the memorial stone. You wouldn’t ask a young person to pick out the kind of dishes he or she might want as an adult. We change our minds over time. As with most things involving the death care industry, you must do your own research. You must have a good grasp of the laws that pertain to your particular state including constructive delivery. Do not be afraid to ask the funeral home or the family service counselor (sales person) how the money is dealt with in the contract. The truth is the sales person might not know the answer. The Job of the Family Service Counselor is to bring in more sales and should not be considered an authority on consumers’ rights. A funeral director has had more education and should be able to give better answers. Here what you need to know:
For your reading pleasure What the Industry has to say on the subject My dad loved genealogy. His love for discovering his family’s history is probably one of the reasons I love to visit cemeteries. Dad would take us to a wide variety of cemeteries in Southern Indiana to check out dates on headstones. I remember seeing huge family Bibles on my father’s bookshelves as well. He told me that people used to keep family history in these huge books. I love the idea of holding family history in the one book that was held dear in a household. Today, we do not usually use these family Bibles to keep family histories. Today we have websites that offer us the chance to check out censes in formation and more recently, DNA tests to see where our DNA came from. I saw somewhere recently in passing that it’s not the DNA that tells you who you are or where you come from, it’s those who claim you. Much of our North American society no longer maintains strong ties to family. Once we started moving away from the farms and into the city, we no longer lived among generations of family members. I’m currently residing in the smallest community I have lived since the age of ten. I am constantly amazed when people start to talk about people and from what family they come. As a mater of fact, I love city living and the feeling of being able to create my own story that does not depend on what other people might have thought of my grandmother. I love knowing family stories and who came together to create the next generation of us. I love knowing that my grandmother, born in 1906 had a master’s degree. My other grandmother had schooling following high school. Both worked outside the home. I love knowing that we as a family have value women’s education and respect the work they do inside and outside the home. These stories among the rest have helped to form who I am and how I see the world. Whether we grow up in a small community or a large city, these family stories and knowing where we come from can help us understand so much in our lives. Some of us do not have the gift of having a family who loves to share stories. Some of us do not know our “back-stories”. Maybe we have chosen to set off on our own, and do not wish to be tethered to the story we came with. In these cases, our stories we live can become the beginning of a new story and a new family of our making. I love the idea that whoever claims us becomes our family. At the core, family is about love, sharing and community. The formation of whatever family we belong to becomes part of who we are. Preserving these stories for those who come after us, and who might love knowing how they came to be a part of the story becomes so important. We might not have huge family Bibles. We might not have many family photos. Most of us have digital means to preserve our stories as well as the old fashioned ways. Remember with everything else, if it exists in only one place it does not really exist. Tell the stories, so those who hear can remember. Write the stories, so those who come after can still have access to them. Preserve them digitally and if you can in their original forms. Honor those who claim us as their own, and claim others along the road. In the end, the stories we make become part of the larger whole, which is family, and community. These last longer than we do and can carry our stories along to the next generation. Last week I was sharing with someone about my dog’s death and how I demanded the body so I could bury him in our garden. This man’s eyes got very big and he looked uncomfortable. I said to him, “What do you think might happen?” He said, “I don’t know!” I did not press the topic further because I have learned that people will ask when they are ready to know, and that death is a tough topic for many people. I am always surprised by people’s distressed reaction to the simple things surrounding death care. For that reason, an industry has grown up to assist people with death and the many details that come along with dealing with it.
I find the conventional death care industry a strange place. The industry grew up around the urbanization of North America. People left the farms and moved to the cities. Their homes became smaller so they could not hold their wakes. They also did not have much in the way of land to bury their loved ones. The industry moved in to fill the need. I find the notion of a funeral director a curious one. I get that people need assistance when their loved one dies. There are many details that must be attended to at the time of death. When someone we love dies, many of us go to a funeral director that eier comes recommended to us or to one that our family has used before. Most of us do not preshop and find a director who will suit our needs. Often the person we hand over the details of our loved ones death is someone we do not know well. What is so lacking in much of the North American view on death care is community. Few pastors go with the family to a funeral director or even hold their own meeting to have a conversation about what might be expected in a particular faith community. Many North Americans are not connected to a spiritual community or service community at all and are left to figure things out on their own. I don’t know what solution to offer. We live in a fractured society. Many people feel disenfranchised so much in their everyday life. Many have no idea what options they do have at the time of death. The alternative death care industry has a lot of work to do. We must keep on educating the public when we can and as often as we can. Intellectually we all know that one day we will die. In our minds we all know this. For many of us the topic of death is not an easy topic to think about let alone talk about. Even when life is rough, and life can become very rough, most of us want to keep on living. This knowledge that we will one day die is just not the most comfortable thought. This is probably why so many do not plan for their death. There are many ways to plan for one’s death. You can make the plans for who will care for your body and what will happen to it. You can plan for the memorial service or event. What most folks do not consider is that planning for your death can be planning for your life. What does that mean? We live our lives sometimes from moment to moment. We do not always take the time to look at each moment our lives as part of a whole. Sometimes it can be helpful to take a step back and look at the major events in our lives and see what we learned from them or what motivated our choices that lead to those events. In doing this, we might be able to see our core values. Are we motivated by acquiring knowledge? Do we have a real passion for beauty? Do we love to acquire things? Are we very protective of those we love? What dreams have we dreamed and how have they played out in our lives? What kinds of things hinder us? What kinds of things do we allow to hinder us? These are what will make up the stories told about us when we die. What kind of story do we want to leave behind? That is the real question. While no one can control what other people think of us, we can hope to leave behind good stories that people will share once we are gone. We might as well try to make our lives the kind of story we want told. Granted, sometimes life gives us a strange and wonderfully difficult turn, but it is what we do with these roadblocks and in some cases tragedies that makes us who we are and shows our true character. Perhaps, we can take the time and have a look at our life so far and see what kind of story we are leaving behind and if this is the kind of story we want told. |
Caroline Vuyadinov
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